MATERNITY BOOKS TEND to focus on the softer side of pregnancy – the ‘glow’, the sense of joy at feeling a baby’s first kick, and bewildering suggestions about making a cast of your pregnant belly.
But what about The Rage?
As my due date nears, my mood status has slowly advanced from somewhat tetchy to out-and-out furious. I don’t want to be the crazy pregnant lady, but certain occurrences just keep ticking me off.
Here’s a small selection of things I have found particularly infuriating of late…
1. Inane pregnancy chit-chat
‘Not long now!’
‘That baby looks like it’ll be out any day now!’
‘Still no baby?’
I’m sure it’s well meant but just shut up, especially when it comes to that last one. If you want me to stay on the right side of cordial don’t even think about texting to ask, ‘Any news?’
2. Kate Middleton
Any celebrity who is ‘rocking their post-pregnancy style’ is enough to bring out The Rage, really. Throughout the later stages of Kate’s third pregnancy I began to feel personally affronted by her neat bump and endlessly tasteful wardrobe of maternity garb.
3. Every item of maternity clothing I own
Who knew the mere sight of the leggings I’ve now worn 100,000,000 times could evoke such feelings of loathing? I bet this never happens to the Duchess of Cambridge.
4. My husband
The logical side of my brain knows that he’s not being annoying. But now the way he eats, the way he loads the dishwasher, and the fact that he’s not pregnant and I am all send me slightly mental.
5. Shoelaces
Now impossible to tie over my bump, and yet the indignity of having to ask someone to do them for you is even more hideous than having untied laces.
6. Peeing
Every hour. Day and night. It’s just not fair.
7. Trying to roll over in bed
Until becoming pregnant I never knew that changing positions in bed could be so hellish. Or that it would take approximately eight cushions to make me comfy. And that the second I got comfy I’d need to get up to pee.
8. Dilating charts
If I see another visual aid showing me how much my cervix has to dilate I’m going to lose my mind. Someone put one up on social media recently illustrating that down below would have to widen to roughly the size of a large Easter egg to allow a baby to come out. Well, that’s chocolate ruined for me.
9. Pregnancy insomnia
I’m permanently tired, and every second person is telling me to ‘bank sleep’ before baby gets here. Yet every night without fail I’m awake at 5am staring at the ceiling. Where is the justice?
10. All the amateur bump experts
This is a specific strand of infuriating pregnancy chat where everyone feels compelled to tell the pregnant mother whether she’s far off/what the baby’s gender is, all depending on how high or low her bump is. Not accurate, not helpful and not welcome.
11. The gap between my top and the top of my trousers
I’ll be damned if I’m buying any more pregnancy clothes at this point but my God, the bit where my top and trousers don’t meet is letting in some chilly air.
12. Pregnancy apps
I got a notification last week cheerfully telling me that now is the week I should have baby’s nursery completed. Just sod off.
13. Pubic hair
Pruning of the lady garden tends to move down the priority list during pregnancy. Way, way down. I know I shouldn’t care if my maintenance routine has fallen behind,. but because of the stupid, hair-hating Western culture we live in, it’s just one more thing stressing me out.
14. Fingers too fat for rings
I bet Kate Middleton had nice slender hands all through HER pregnancy.
15. People asking if I’ll have any more
Let’s focus on getting this one out first, shall we?
16. Figuring out how to build baby furniture
It’s a rite of passage to sit sobbing on the floor, holding a screwdriver and a tear-sodden instruction manual for a co-sleeper, yes? With my brain at half power right now, everything seems more difficult. Which brings me too…
17. My inability to remember anything
Baby brain is a real thing and it’s massively irritating. Especially when you do a full shop at Tesco only to realise you’ve not brought your purse.
18. All the worst pregnancy symptoms coming back for an encore
Thought you’d seen the last of nausea, heartburn and leg cramps? Surprise! They’ve all decided to seize these final days of pregnancy to make a return to the stage.
Have a parenting issue you need advice on? Can’t figure out if you’re right or wrong? In our new Am I Being Unreasonable? feature, we’re asking other parents to weigh in on reader dilemmas. Drop us a line with your dilemma on family@thejournal.ie.
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