LAST NIGHT THERE was an increasingly familiar sound from my son’s room at 3am.
“Mummmmmyyyyy! I had a bad dream!” went the wail from my three-year-old. Between hiccupped sobs, it transpired that his sleep had been tortured by a dream in which I had burst some bubbles.
This heinous fantasy comes hot on the heels of a host of equally shocking nightmares that he’s woken from in recent months includine one where “Daddy ate my ice lolly,” one where “a boy took my Transformer” and one where “Mummy left me at CBeebies Land”.
The distinctly un-nightmarish nature of the topics makes them funny to relay, of course. There are no monsters, no freaky clowns, no bad people. But when you’re dealing with an inconsolable child in the small hours of the morning, it’s far from amusing for either of you.
I can often trace aspects of the dreams to something that’s happened that day. For instance, we’d been looking at photos of our trip to Cbeebies Land the day before that bad dream. However it’s the frequent and distressed waking up that I find harder to explain. So should I be concerned?
Dreaming is good for you
Not necessarily says Joanna Fortune, clinical psychotherapist at the Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic.
“Dreaming is good for us at any age,” Fortune explains. “It helps us to process things and experiences we haven’t taken time to do in our busy lives.”
This holds true even when the dreams are bad, adds clinical psychologist Dr Dawn Huebner, author of What to Do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Problems With Sleep.
As Dr Huebner explains:
Bad dreams can be upsetting, but they aren’t anything to worry about, in fact they’re entirely developmentally normal and signify an active brain working to sort out complex experiences.
It’s estimated that some 50 per cent of tots aged between three and six will experience frequent nightmares. And whilst they might not be anything to worry about, studies throw up some frequent offenders as triggers for sleep disruption.
Turn off the TV
A Dutch study found that 70 per cent of kids reported their bad dream had been linked to something they’d seen on TV.
Evening or late afternoon screen time, and viewing inappropriate programmes for their age group at any time (even just slapstick cartoons aimed at older children) were also likely to provoke bad dreams.
Other factors include being over-tired, not having a regular night routine or a change in circumstances. Fortune points out that my own chap’s bad dreams have coincided with a new baby being on the way:
The idea of a new baby coming into a family and taking Mammy and Daddy’s attention away can easily get displaced in dream material into a theme of someone stealing, for example. Remember, what’s stressful to a child may not seem remotely stressful to you, so pay attention.
It’s all part of a healthy psyche
Rather than be worried, Fortune says it’s simply a matter of parents figuring out why these kinds of dreams might be happening.
“Don’t see [this kind of dream] as a problem, it shows a healthy psyche working hard to process and work through intense emotional experiences.”
All well and good – but how do a sleepy Mammy and Daddy deal with their son’s healthy psyche at 3am?
When attempts to convince my little lad that the dream isn’t real fail, often we’ll bring him into bed with us. However, according to the experts, I’m going about things wrong on all counts.
“Always acknowledge your child’s fear, but be careful about suggesting that your child is only safe when you are there,” advises Dr Huebner. “Taking a child into your bed or joining him in his bed suggests he can only be safe in your presence.”
Watch your wording
She recommends steering clear of phrases like “It’s ok, Mama/Dada is here”. Instead opt for something more neutral like “You’re safe”, and encourage the use of a plush toy or blanket to help your child feel safe and secure.
Then, talk through the dream. Acknowledge that it might have been scary, and encourage them to imagine a new fun ending.
Ignore the monsters under the bed
Some experts recommend the use of dream catchers or drawing the dream the following day in the hope of giving the child a sense of control, but Dr Huebner isn’t convinced.
“Do not check under the bed for monsters,” she insists. “That suggests there really are monsters that need to be kept out. Instead say, ‘there are no monsters, monsters are just pretend’.”
Another important point to be aware of is the difference between nightmares and night terrors.
“In general nightmares happen in the later part of the night, often during a change in sleep pattern,” explains sleep specialist Niamh O’Reilly, author of No Fuss Baby and Toddler Sleep.
Night terrors tend to happen at the early part of the night and while it may seem like your child has woken up from sleep, they’re actually not awake at all and won’t have any memory of it in the morning.
Kids with night terrors might thrash around bed frantically, screaming and crying. The situation can be hugely distressing for parents to witness but it’s a normal neurological event for toddlers.
Despite this, it’s important to tread carefully, as O’Reilly explains:
Don’t try and wake your toddler. It’ll be even more distressing for them, and there’s generally no point discussing it with the little one the following day as they most likely won’t remember.
Overall, advises Niamh, put the focus on making the bedtime experience relaxed, so that going to sleep is something your child grows to welcome.
“Fear of going to sleep is the last thing you want your little ones to be feeling,” she says. “Instead concentrate on making their sleep space safe and comfortable.”
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