How late is too late for potty training? We asked the experts

TO THE CASUAL observer I probably look like an over-protective parent, lurking near my son as he races up rope ladders and down slides at our local park. But I’m not waiting to catch him should he fall. I’m staying close by to pull his trousers up so no one sees he’s wearing a nappy.

My son will soon turn three and despite our best efforts, he isn’t toilet trained. Neither reward charts nor pointing out his pals in ‘big boy pants’ has worked. Our three days spent inside in pursuit of conquering the toilet left me ready to lose my mind. I’m at a loss. He’s a clever boy and he knows when he needs to go. He just won’t sit on a potty or toilet. He’s perfectly happy staying in his nappy and doesn’t get why I’m not.

Potty training expert, Amanda Jenner from Potty Training Academy gets some 50 enquiries a week from parents, many of them mums and dads worrying their toddler isn’t toilet trained by the age that they should be. “I hear daily from parents who have really struggled with toilet training and they feel embarrassed,” she says.

Judgmental parents

“The reason they find it stressful is because it’s a very emotive subject – I would say it’s one of the most difficult milestones to achieve – and there’s not much support given.

“There are also lots of judgemental parents out there but my advice is: don’t compare your child to others, every child achieves their milestone at different times.”

All well and good, but even she reckons there’s such a thing as ‘too old’. “If your child has reached four years old and isn’t toilet trained, then this could cause health and emotional issues if they’re starting school.”

I take some solace in knowing I’m not alone. Several of my friends’ sons weren’t trained until after three and in general boys can find the experience trickier than girls thanks to what Amanda refers to as ‘extra bits that need tucking down when sat on the toilet or potty’. She also reckons that better, cheaper, more readily available nappies and the pressures of working parenthood have contributed to pushing back the start date for toilet training.

Working lives

“It’s not a case of children letting go later, it’s a case of changes to our social and working lives which are having an impact,” she explains. “Parents also don’t have as much support as the previous generation.”

But I know there will be many who feel that I really need to take charge and show my son who’s boss when it comes to wrestling him out of nappies.

Experts believe whilst you parents can (and must) take the lead on toilet training, they can’t force the issue. It requires both parties’ commitment. “You cannot force your child to work with you,” says Sheena Mitchell, pharmacist at Milltown totalhealth Pharmacy in Dublin 6 and author of the award winning WonderBaba blog.

Shutterstock / sico manzer Shutterstock / sico manzer / sico manzer

“You can encourage them and support them, but you can never succeed fully with force. If promoting positivity with reward charts and little treats such as stickers or a tiny chocolate doesn’t succeed in getting them onboard then it is possible you just have to wait it out.”

“My advice would be to revisit in a month and try again,” agrees Amanda. “Do not persist as this will only make them regress.” In extreme cases, this might mean delaying a Montessori start date rather than fighting a losing battle.

Rather than get fixated on age or when everyone else is doing it, the key thing is to watch out for signs of readiness. Sheena says:

These include: less frequent urination – not less volume but more consistent gaps; showing interest in the potty or toilet; awareness of bowel motions coming before they happen; awareness of urination after it happens (knowing the puddle on the floor came from them!) and attempting to sit on the toilet and doing a few successful pees without formal toilet training starting.

In terms of tricks to encourage potty training she recommends letting kids pick out their own big girl/ boy pants, having the potty around and talking about it a few weeks before starting training, making reward charts and reading books or watching YouTube videos on the subject together.

Amanda, meanwhile, recommends avoiding these key mistakes:

• Scolding your child or continuing if they’re distressed
• Confusing nappies and pants (pull-up pants might be better left for nighttime)
• Inconsistencies: once you’ve decided to start potty training, stick with it
• Tackling night-time and day time training together

“I’ve learned there are only two key mistakes: a lack of consistency and a lack of positivity,” adds Sheena who has a toilet training guide on her blog. “I advise having three full days to hibernate indoors and two full weeks to avoid major excursions, trips or events,” she adds.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be at home for the next few days. I only hope the rest of my team is ready to get onboard.

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