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'As a child of an alcoholic, I am damaged'

A reader talks about their experiences in the wake of the establishment of a government Group on Alcohol Harm

Following on from our article on the effect of parents’ abuse of alcohol on their children, one reader sent in her experiences of growing up with an alcoholic father.

THERE WERE A lot of camels’ backs broken in our house. Nothing ever came of it until the very last one. The camels just lay there broken, eventually pushed away into the recesses and hidden for the time being.

The worst one occurred when I was 22. It was a hot, hazy summer’s day and I was walking home from work in a local bistro. I reached the bottom of the estate which stretched upwards over a hill. At the top of that hill, I could make out a figure.

He was swaying to and fro on the brink of falling hard with every step. He was wearing a dark shirt and what seemed to be light-coloured trousers. But something had darkened an area on the back of them. When I peered closer, it was obvious. The man had defecated himself.

That man stumbling home stained with his own faeces, passing the neighbours and children of our estate, was my father.

I cannot explain the emotion that ripped through me at that moment. Shame is the label we give it; but this struck through to my core – it was deeper and darker, damaging and lasting.

It was my father. I am linked to him. He was part of me.

The tears welled up instantly when I realised it was him and I put my head down as neighbours drove by. I walked an alternative route home that day, the back way around the estate, slowly.

When I got home, he was in the bathroom and the tap was running. He came out and went to bed for the rest of the day and night. He left his trousers in the bath. I cleaned the mess up.

Petrified

My mother had separated from him several months before and he had no-one else. My brother was a young teenager and my sister lived abroad. I took care of him.

He eventually began to have alcohol-induced seizures.

I will never forget the first one. It happened when the electricity had been cut off due to non-payment.

I was awoken by a loud thud, followed by violent shaking and gasping/smacking sounds. The sounds were coming from my father. I ran downstairs to get a torch and ran back to his bedroom. I was petrified but I opened the door. I could hear him struggling for breath.

I shone the torch on his face and I screamed and cried as I knelt beside him. He was the colour of candle-wax and was wet with sweat. His eyes were rolling and he was stiff but shaking.

I was sure he was dying. I rang emergency and was told someone would be with me soon.

The seizure lasted for maybe another minute, minute and a half, but it felt like hours with a solitary torch in the dark. I tried to embrace him and begged him not to die.

The paramedics came and took him to the hospital and he recovered. This was the final incident of the many that came before in their different rotten guises.

It was not long after this that he finally reached his ‘rock bottom’ and went into rehab. He fully recovered and was released from the programme the same day my new son and I were released from hospital – a beautiful time.

Damaged

As a child of an alcoholic, I am damaged.

I read the recent article in TheJournal.ie (“You feel invisible”- the Irish children suffering from their parents’ alcohol abuse of alcohol). The injury and hurt resurfaced as raw as the days they were inflicted as I read the quotes from those children.

Reading the article, I became that child again, worrying about my father falling down the stairs, covering my ears to stifle the sound of my parents’ fighting, hoping my drunk father wouldn’t turn up for my graduation mass.

I am positive that those other children of alcoholic parents, now adults, experienced the same pain reading that article. The memories and the emotion remain raw and vicious.

As a child of an alcoholic, I am a damaged adult. I don’t have healthy coping mechanisms so I naturally turned to drink.

Trying to move on

The concept of ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ didn’t hold water when I was growing up. You either drank like my father or lashed out like my mother in order to temper the distemper.

I have never considered counselling as I loathe the thought of me being some type of victim. I hate being the centre of attention and I blow-up when I try to open up.

The most poignant part of all this is that I am now a parent. I have stopped drinking and I am trying to write about my bad memories. I have a very supportive and loving husband. It all helps, but it is difficult.

I can see now that I’m a parent that my parents weren’t bad people; they were just like me, caught in a vicious circle that I managed to escape.

I can look at my memories in an objective way and understand their point of view to a certain extent. But I will never be able to reconcile my memories with their perspectives. Never.

Curbing the harm

I am glad that Frances Black is shining a light on this hidden hurt. However, I believe the new Public Health (Alcohol) Bill will do little to curb this type of harm.

I believe the approach has to come from the bottom up and the top down, discursively and culturally. Discourse about drinking in this country needs to move out into an open forum. It needs to be de-stigmatised and people who experience harm from alcohol abuse need to speak out loud about it, unafraid and unashamed.

GPs need to be aware of the issue and offer help to both the patients who have a drinking problem and the families affected by it.

Schools should address it as an issue that affects the mental health of a child, and offer avenues for children to seek help. All children should be educated about alcoholism and its effects in school, particularly familial alcoholism.

Once a forum exists and there is a comfort level in speaking out about the issue, I believe this is when radical change could be achieved, just like with depression. People now have more understanding of depression and are able to speak about it more openly.

Judgements cannot and should not be made on those who are struggling. Tuts, eye-rolls, and whispers are like lashes of a whip to a child and they are not forgotten.

Get help

It needs to be said that I love my parents dearly. They both tried their best and I know they love/loved me.

My father since passed away. We had five glorious alcohol-free years and his grandson has beautiful memories of him. He was a beautiful person, poisoned, and my mother is the bravest person I know.

Childhood should be a happy time and we all only get one. So to all parents with a drink problem, look at your children and remember that. Get help.

The author has chosen to remain anonymous.

Read: “You feel invisible” – the Irish children suffering from their parents’ abuse of alcohol

Read: Ireland has the highest alcohol prices in the EU (almost double the average)

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    Mute ph
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:01 PM

    So well written. This story is startlingly similar to my childhood. I’m a 48 year old man now and the memories of my childhood with my alcoholic father still haunt me. He drank until the day he died, there was never any respite. I was an only child and I couldn’t leave home quick enough to escape him. Unfortunately my mother died before him and I was thrust back into having to care for him, be it cleaning up his defecated trousers and bed clothes or emptying his overflowing piss bucket. Wouldn’t wish that life on anyone and can only hope that as a society there is more awareness now of the damage that alcohol does to families.

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    Mute Marc Power
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    Jul 10th 2016, 10:13 PM

    Ph….sorry sounds soppy but a big hug to you

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    Mute Marguerite Hoiby
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    Jul 11th 2016, 2:32 PM

    Ph sounds horrendous, he was a v fortunate father to have someone like you to look after him. Hope the rest of your life is a happy one, you so deserve it. Good luck.

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    Mute John Mullan
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    Jul 10th 2016, 8:57 PM

    Too many people in Ireland think that the alcohol problem is one big laugh. Only a bit of craic. They don’t see how it turns half the nation into emotional cripples, both addicts and their victims

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    Mute Marc Power
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    Jul 10th 2016, 8:57 PM

    Can totally relate. Hope you’re OK and happy in the knowledge that you weren’t the problem

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    Mute Paul Cullen
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    Jul 10th 2016, 8:59 PM

    Well written honest article, glad you have come out the other side and are doing well, best of luck in the future!!

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    Mute Bernie King
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:50 PM

    This article hit a cord with me, i lost my dad only Febuary gone but to me i lost him long before that,alcohol is the devil it has destroyed my life, my siblings life.It took our dad away, I’ve never knew what it was like to have a loving dad,it took it away from me

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    Mute Marc Power
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:42 PM

    Bernie….sorry…again sounds soppy but a big hug to you

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    Mute Denise Daly
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    Jul 12th 2016, 12:18 AM

    Sorry to hear that Bernice. I’m still living the nightmare with a violent alcoholic mother who I have had to care for for the last 14 years since my dad died. 3 months ago I was forced to move out and leave her to her own devices. Now she’s alone and living in squalor and I fear that she’s going to die in that sad pathetic state alone.

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    Mute Maria Hickey-Fagan
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    Jul 11th 2016, 2:55 AM

    Heartbreaking and scarily familiar. I got two sober adult years with my dad before he passed away from cancer that was discovered at the same time he was told that he didn’t need a liver transplant after all as it had started working again. Losing my mother at the age of 48 ripped him apart so I could never be mad with him. Just a sad little girl who effectively lost both parents on that frosty February day in 1989. I drink occasionally but I hate alcohol. I hate that every event is an excuse to drink. I hate a culture that presumes you’re pregnant if you’re not drinking because, like, why wouldn’t you drink otherwise? I hate it.

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    Mute Caroline
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    Jul 10th 2016, 10:28 PM

    My mam died the 9/01/2016 and she was in hospital a few days before her passing and the doctor and nurses had no time for her because she was an alcoholic , not drunk when she arrived ..

    She was in so many rehabs but the last one was John of gods were she left because of boredom there was nothing to keep her brain active and my mam needed that eh computer courses or something …

    I also had asked for Leo vadkar help but heard nothing back , i also asked a td help bout her partner drinking and driving and he didn’t wana get involved.

    It a disgrace for pubs to keep serving well known alcoholic even when you beg them not to serve them ..

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 10:35 PM

    Caroline my heart bleeds for you love. The funny thing about having an alcoholic parent we always love them.

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    Mute Caroline
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:10 PM

    Ah definitely we love them lots , they don’t ask to be alcoholic xx

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:25 PM

    I know that, my grand dad was an alcoholic too…people don’t ask to be alcoholics…but their kids plight goes ignored….

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    Mute Denise Daly
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    Jul 12th 2016, 12:20 AM

    John of God’s rehab is pure waste of time and hugely expensive. I’d love to know the relapse rate after their “course”.

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 10:01 PM

    This is so true. So many people affected. The stigma of saying to somebody my mother or father is or was an alcoholic is shocking. We need support. Does anybody feel that we got and get zero support?

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    Mute Joe Smith
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:29 PM

    Check out FSN (family support network) They’re excellent or try alanon

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    Mute Gwen Denny
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    Jul 12th 2016, 9:47 PM

    I don’t feel the stigma so much now Maire but I remember as a child walking down a school corridor thinking nobody knew what had happened in our house the night before . We were never told not to say anything but then it was just the done thing to stay quiet . Saw it all my childhood until he stopped when I was 19 but affected to this day by it . And I just thanked God that my mam was as fantastic a mother as she was god love her

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    Mute Uncle Monty
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:05 PM

    I wonder how many stories like this we will be hearing regarding weed in years to come?

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:08 PM

    No known fatalities vs thousands every year in this country alone.

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    Mute Uncle Monty
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:14 PM

    Indeed, Dave. The hypocrisy would make you puke.

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    Mute Demise Grad
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:12 PM

    Dave still not good parenting for kids to be around emotionally dampened stoned adults. Not a good example to set re mind altering substances.

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    Mute SMARTRecoveryCarrick
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    Jul 10th 2016, 9:38 PM

    A powerful description of the realities that are endured around the country and reason for everyone to shout out about alcohol abuse.

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    Mute Phillip O'Brien
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    Jul 11th 2016, 1:46 AM

    A moving and well written piece.
    My father died in 2001 from an alcohol related disease after years of heavy drinking. He was never once violent but was absent because he drank and slept.
    Being an only child it was a very difficult time as I was expected to take sides and there was no one to share this with as we were in a tiny parish where secrets were to be kept.
    It took about eleven years before I could start to grieve for him as I had numbed myself to what had happened to survive it.
    Counselling, talking and writing are what helped me along this road.

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    Mute Ian Moloney
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    Jul 11th 2016, 2:31 AM

    Working in the area , I never met anyone with an alcoholic parent who said their childhood was happy. The happy joyous cool drinkers in the tv ads go home and beat up the wives and kids in real life.

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    Mute William Boyd
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    Jul 11th 2016, 6:23 AM

    Thats only true in some cases Ian many alcoholics never lay a hand on their wife and kids.

    You can be perfectly sober and be a wife beater!.

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    Mute Gwen Denny
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    Jul 12th 2016, 9:40 PM

    That’s very true . My father would come home every weekend and cause terror in our house but he never laid his hands on us kids , only on my poor mother as he knew if he touched a hair on our heads she would kill him . So as much as I was not physically harmed , it has 100% affected me and my life . I don’t drink , I can still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach if I hear someone argue with drink on them . My father drank until I was 19 and I’m 43 now and I still can’t forgive him even though he has in fairness been sober since 1991. My mother died suddenly aged 46 god love her and even now God forgive me I find it hard sometimes to accept he is here and she is not . She deserved a happy life not him . I don’t think any child of an alcoholic can say they have not been affected

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    Mute Terry Cahill
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    Jul 11th 2016, 7:17 AM

    Yeah… a bit of craic… heavy drinking and the fallout… just Irish… even when there was a piece about where we stand in the alcohol stakes worldwide and the damage you still got the mindless, apathetic comments like I’m drunk reading this, ignoring the pain and suffering and the poverty … inflicted by one member of a family on the whole family sometimes. We love being “praised” for our non violent drunkenness when we travel… and we never realise that the drinking reputation we have is a source
    of amusements, not admiration , but it is in the home , at the heart of the family, where this scourge destroys and scars the delicate balance of growing up, growing up to be responsible children, parents, and citizens. God knows it is hard enough without the sledge hammer of an alcoholic parent.

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:33 PM

    The author of this article is anonymous. The authors of articles about being gay, having an abortion of suffering from depression aren’t anonymous. What’s wrong with this?

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    Mute Helen Stoker
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    Jul 11th 2016, 6:23 AM

    Shame ! Toxic Shame! Deeply embedded in the very core of Children of Alcoholics who become Adult Children of Alcoholics ! There is help ! Google ACOA and find a group! Reach out to an Addiction Counsellor ot Treatment Centre who run programmes for families of Alcoholics ! With help and becoming WE and not I , the Anoninity will stop …the Shame will end !

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 11th 2016, 9:33 AM

    Thanks Helen.

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    Mute brian boru
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    Jul 11th 2016, 6:25 PM

    The anonymous part is to help the person in recovery not have to deal the stigma. Alcoholism is our nations most popular disease and is a result of our cavalier approach to being the star of every party. Three per cent of people who attend Alcoholics Anonymous manage to remain off alcohol unfortunately.

    The disease is a curse but there is a cure unfortunately it requires the individual to make the decision to fight the disease. So many decide not to fight it for whatever reason and fail and fail badly. No family in ireland has not been touched by this disease on some level. To all those who manage to stay on the program well done and to all those who believe they may need to engage with it good luck. A tough road with massive rewards for you and your family and all those around you.

    Well done to the writer a good piece on this terrible disease.

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:04 PM

    I’m amazed by the low number of comments……it’s worrying

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 10th 2016, 11:23 PM

    Very few comments get thumbs down…I don’t understand….l think that of lot of personal health issues, bullying, car accidents, addictions, the waiting times in A&E and many other issues in Irish society can be put down to alcoholism in Ireland which goes completely ignored….sure a few drinks is only a bit of a laugh….my father is off the road. He was caught thankfully for drunk driving…he was going to kill somebody. It was a relief to us all.

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    Mute Kevin Chip
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    Jul 11th 2016, 4:11 PM

    and they still wont legalise Cannabis

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    Mute Terry Cahill
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    Jul 11th 2016, 7:34 AM

    Maire, you really do not get it !

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    Mute Maire Ui Riain
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    Jul 11th 2016, 9:41 AM

    Get what. What do you want me to get? I appreciate the article is anonymous for a reason because of the shame. I am not criticising the author. I’m saying or at least trying to saying isn’t sad that the families of alcoholics still feel so much shame. I’m not knocking LGBT people, or people suffering from depression who come out and discuss their situations and how they feel…im really delighted that they can come out now and that people are open and supportive. I’m trying to point out that isn’t it sad that we as the kids of alcoholics can’t. Look at the responses and the tweets that fly in on those issues. Look at the number of reads this got and the actual number of responses. That points at an underlying sub text. We still are prisoners of alcoholism. Drink is all great craic. It’s not when your falls into the soup at your holy communion because he’s so plastered. But whatever you cause I don’t get it.

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    Mute Helen Stoker
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    Jul 11th 2016, 2:39 PM

    Just what is Marie not getting please ?

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    Mute Jo Huey
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    Jul 16th 2016, 9:11 AM

    Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. I too am a child of an alcoholic and just finished writing a book about my journey. I too felt it time to speak out. There are groups and support available but people aren’t aware of it. Al-Anon and NACOA do great work for families. I am starting to work on raising awareness and set up an open Facebook group to help those ready to openly talk about it. It’s called Living Proof if you want to join. Thankfully we survived this awful disease and my biggest frustration is how its trivialised in the UK. People joke about drink far too much.

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    Mute John Flood
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    Jul 17th 2016, 9:36 PM

    If you feel you’re an adult child from an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, see http://www.aca.org.

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    Mute John Flood
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    Jul 17th 2016, 9:42 PM
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    Mute Terry Cahill
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    Jul 12th 2016, 5:06 AM

    Brian Boru, well said !

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