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IT IS AS palpable as it is indescribable. This bloody emotion that Just. Won’t. Go. Away. Which bores down into you like a corkscrew, right into your very core, and hollows you out, and fills the hole that’s left behind with something just a little less solid, a little less complete than what was there before.
Some fill the hole with busyness. Some with work. Some with social lives. With booze. With relationships. Me? I guess I try and fill the hole with words. And I suppose that as emotional crutches go, I’ve heard of worse.
Even now every time I think about it, it never fails to wind me. Startle me. Stop me in my tracks. And I wonder will I ever, ever, get used to it? As the initial tears of shock dry up, what’s left behind slowly sinks down into you. And makes the life that’s left behind just that little bit heavier that it was before. Will I ever adjust, I wonder to myself, to the fact that my mother is gone?
Here I go again, nearly a decade later, talking about grief. Would I ever just get over myself…
Despite all these years, the pain is still here
Every time I write a piece about missing my mother I always think afterwards, ‘Well, tick. There’s that particular subject covered off. Right, what’s next?’. And then a couple of months later I seem to always find myself back in front of this computer screen, writing about it again, somehow trying to make sense of the fact that she is no longer around, without wanting to appear to be overly sentimental about it. Or self indulgent. Or just plain pathetic.
And I’m acutely aware of the fact that she is dead YEARS, and I find myself self-conscious about the fact that, despite this passage of time, despite all those years that have rolled by, all those words I have spoken and written, I still feel a gap where she once was, which I can’t quite find anything to fill. And I feel like I’ve somehow failed. Parents die. Children move on. So why can’t I?
And yet here I am again. Trying to get whatever I feel inside out onto this page. Because all I really know is that keeping ‘it’ inside, does me no good at all. So out it all comes. Roll out the dredger. Churn it all up. Again. It’s all still in there, simmering away beneath the surface. Whether I like it or not. And maybe, just maybe, the odd ‘churn’, the odd wallow, the odd ‘Feeling Sorry For Meself’ session, will help me reconcile myself to the facts before me. Because ignoring them certainly isn’t.
Unfortunately, grief does not follow a defined trajectory
‘Would she ever just get over it!’ my imaginary reader responds, and that thought makes me want to shut up instantly. Because, rest assured, oh pragmatic one, the judge inside me thinks the very same thing. Thinks that nigh on eight years later, this is a subject that I should no longer need to ‘address’ in any shape, manner or form. So for all those out there who may raise their eyes to heaven, rest assured, a very large part of me entirely agrees your views on said subject. ‘Would I ever j-u-s-t b-l-o-o-d-y m-o-v-e o-n…’
But another, kinder, part of me is not so self-critical. Recognises that this is how I feel about missing my mother. Still. And that that is ok. That, unfortunately, grief does not follow a defined trajectory. However inconvenient that may be. That time may be a great healer, but there’s no formula for how long. And if Mr & Mrs Judge do not agree, or are irritated, or annoyed, or aggrieved, at me bringing up the subject again, head off now and click on the ‘Latest’ button. And for anyone else out there who might equally struggle on occasion, sure stick around and we might just find some common ground.
The truth of it is that the part of me that misses her is more powerful than the part of me that feels self-conscious about that fact. I’m just thankful for the likes of Michael Harding. Who single handed make it socially acceptable to just ‘dwell’. Think. To allow the past in to disrupt the present. Even when we don’t want it to. Even when it is inconvenient, and upsetting, and a sheer bloody nuisance. Emotions can be very annoying when they won’t behave themselves.
I think the thing that irritates me most about grief is its sheer unpredictability. The randomness with which it strikes. The fact that it catches you unawares. It jumps out at you when you least expect it. And punches you in the guts. And because the severity with which it hits is in no way linked to how long it is since the person went, we then feel that we have to hide our reaction, because to a large part of us, alongside the outside world, it doesn’t seem logical, or proportionate, or socially acceptable.
The moments I really miss her
Certain random moments grate. Unexpectantly.
The doting granny who collects the little girl your daughter’s age from the creche. She wears a ‘good winter coat’ my mother would have liked. Spits on her hanky to wipe the smudge of jam smeared across the four years old’s cheek. And you remember how your own mother used to do the same to you. And how that care and attention would no doubt have been lavished on the next generation. Had she been given the chance.
Or when my son looks at me with those huge, adorable eyes, and occasionally, quite out of the blue, the thought of her likely reaction to him brings a lump to my throat. The kind that makes you feel like you’ve inadvertently swallowed a lemon. Whole.
The scent of ‘L’Air de Temps’ in the perfume department. You stumble into it randomly, and the smell of it near knocks you sideways with its potency. Because, isn’t there something about a person’s smell, that invades your very being and evokes them like nothing else can?
A song on the radio. Whoever it is that is on between midday and one o’clock of a midweek morning on Radio 1 is an absolute no-go area for me. For if Karen Carpenter or Neil Diamond were to be allowed to interrupt my morning, God knows where I’d be. A strong cup of tea would, at the very least, be required.
Or my own personal Achilles heel, the time I most feel her absence is when I am sick. I mean really sick. The handful of occasions when some infection or other has had me bedbound since she died have been the lowest points for me.
If you were to chart my grieving ‘progress’, you’d see a slow and steady incline, punctuated by dramatic slides when the odd bacterial infection chooses me as its latest victim. Then, at those times when you are at your most weak, your most vulnerable, your most needy, you feel an absence in the room as palpable as if the window was open blowing a cool chill over your feverish body. Your independence, your adulthood, your confidence deserts you, and at the grand old age of 38, you still just want your mum.
At those times you need to be mothered. Cosseted. Minded. Like only a mother can. You need the person who will instinctively care for you beside you then. Because That Is What Mothers Do. And the absence of that figure, that support, that emotional crutch in times of difficulty, that is when you grieve. That is when you feel what you are missing. That is when it hurts like a bitch. On an entirely different level to that which your paracetamol is taking care of.
It’s like a small but distinctive piece of you was taken away the day they died, and it never quite grow backs. A stump. It heals, obviously, in a manner of speaking, but never quite manages to fulfil the function it once did. Never quite feels the same again.
I am getting there. Slowly.
I feel tired after writing this. Drained. Dredging it up again is uncomfortable, unpleasant, ‘not nice’, like a meal that hasn’t sat quite right. I guess that’s why people don’t tend to do it. Better to keep it buried, perhaps. But I also feel calmer. Better. Less distracted, and ironically more focused on the life that persists around me, for having actually acknowledged the elephant in the room. Drained the wound. Massaged the cramp.
And more self-aware. A little sad, but calm. Resigned to it. Less angry, less annoyed at the world, less bitter about what was taken away. And maybe one small step closer to ‘acceptance’? Maybe. Or maybe not.
That’s the thing about ‘life goes on’. It does. It’s just that you tend to still miss the life you once had. No matter how hard you try not to. And I feel bad for the great life I have around me now. That I still carry this feeling with me. Sorry, life. I am getting there. Slowly. I promise. I just need the odd moan now and again to get me through. And you just happen to be here to listen.
Claire Micks is an occasional writer. Read her columns for TheJournal.ie here.
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“Nuns! Reverse reverse reverse”
As she says herself, the Nun “was concerned about [what] the complainant would do with children whose parents did not want them to take religion classes”.
Is the implication here that the candidate was to ignore the wishes of the parents entirely, because religious education shoudn’t have an opt-out? Astonishing.
Should we all be Homo sapiens now Sister?
Another good reason why church control of schools must end. They have divested 1 in around 3 years!
And that one was a church of Ireland school!
And why are there phoney boards running the recruitment and not the DOE . Major changes are required .
….because, like every other system and process in this country, central government do not want the responsibility which would make the liable in any court case…… imagine what this person would have been awarded if it was the state that was found to be discriminatory
Good point Adrian. She got what she deserved, no more no less. It’s up to the parents to put pressure on the schools. When you make the state run it you disempower the parents. Look at the USA. Parents have no control whatsoever. They don’t even get to choose which public school they go to in a lot of states.
Actually, primary school Boards have no control over recruitment, thanks to Dept Ed regulations. Recruitment is controlled by the Patron – usually the local Bishop for catholic schools
“Saying that the person who was offered the job was considerably younger and less experienced”
Surely that’s discrimination in itself??
Exactly. More experience doesn’t mean you’re better.
That was just one statement in what was probably a very long case. If there was a good reason to skip over the more experienced one they probably would have given it in evidence.
The most homophobic people out there, are generally, closet homosexuals themselves. That nun probably plays the banjo while watching Ellen de Generes in her room.
True, when I hear priests on the tv my gaydar goes mental, they’re ashamed of themselves for being gay, sad situation really.
Ye the most anti semite people are usually closet jews.
Most people that call other people anti-semitic claim to be pro free speech but are actually anti free speech and also need to look up the term semite. You know nothing jon snow.
Lord Flynn. It was a joke, I was been jovial.. Enjoy it
Oy gevalt. You outed me!
Communist and hard left Jews can be anti-Semitic.
In fairness, I think the lady in question had a lucky escape not getting the position if the interview process was anything to go by
She was already working in the school though. Humiliating to have someone less qualified put in above you.
If the person was better, smarter, more capable, they SHOULD have been put in above her.
Sure look at the numbskulls in Govt, they mistake corruption for being smart and they’re above us in power and wealth. But they have more EXPERIENCE than us in the Dail. Yet a kindergarten child would run the country better.
Schools are not the same as government. If she was manifestly incompetent then the nuns would have argued that. Since the court couldn’t find any good reason not to give her the job they went with the most likely option.
Wonderful transcription typo there: ‘…accommodating children of different faiths and nuns’.
Yeah, that was my fault. Quite the typo! It’s been fixed now.
I’m sure you pursued the appropriate avenues Tordelback, by sending a “Send a correction” to the author also?
Not at all, I thought it was way too good to miss!
Change it back, change it back.
Why does the church have anything to do with educating our children!!
Jack, spot on, they’re just a bunch of Homos :)
“Our”? It’s up to you where you send your kids. Parents can demand an end to religious indoctrination if they so wish and send their kids elsewhere if they’re fail to persuade.
What are those religious FREAKS doing anywhere near education in this day and age? Seriously, it’s high time the church was banned from running schools. The creeps.
I wonder how long a comment would be left up if you called a gay person a freak ? Obviously ok to call the religious freaks though….
There are many gay freaks and religious freaks. It’s fair game to identify people from both groups when the evidence supports the accusation.
One chooses to believe and therefore are open to ridicule. One does not choose to be gay so the same standards cannot be applied.
Says who Luke ? Did you just make up the rules on who it’s ok to insult yourself ? Any more of your rules you would like to share with us ?
Tony doesn’t understand Lukes comment. Awkward…..
Oh I understand it ok. You think you are something special because you are gay. It’s ok for you to ridicule others but nobody can ridicule you. You would be up in arms if were to call you a freak.
Yes Tony I would. Nobody had called you a freak though. You’re not quit following though are you…..
*quite
patronising
While some Nuns were evil bit_hes there lots of Nuns who worked tirelessly on behalf of the poor and the sick were brilliant and I wonder if the Nuns were still in control of our hospitals would the health situation be as bad as it is now?
You mean bad nuns like Mother Teresa. Money mad, spent very little of what she got on the poor. Preferred the poor to suffer and offer it up to her god.
The was a doc on RTE recently which looked at the work being done by nuns in Africa. One spritely old nun was discussing how she helps the local LBGTs and sees them as equal to everyone else. The presenter remarked how the head of her church would disagree with her about the equality to which she replied: “Well, he’s wrong”!
Fair play to her!
What homos was she referring to? homophobes maybe she’s needs to a bit more specific in future.
Homosapiens
Could have been Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus, Homo Heidelbergensis, any of those hairy lads, which would have been a reasonable question – you could be totally wasting valuable contact hours teaching that lot about the sacraments. Who knows if they even have souls, never mind whether Guineys has Communion dresses in their size.
Perhaps the position was for teaching English. The nun was simply concerned about homophones I’m sure.
Just because a person has less experience, doesn’t mean they are less capable. Unless other people in the room heard the nun ask what she allegedly asked about the ‘homos’, we only have someone’s word who could, and did benefit financially from this accusation.
I find people crying that they were discriminated against because of age, or this or that, immature or vain and incapable of accepting that someone else is better than them or they just were not the right person for the job. Sometimes the FACT is, that they were simply not a good fit. It’s a very subjective thing, having more experience doesn’t by default make a person better. It just means the person worked at something a certain way longer, perhaps not even particularly efficiently. Perhaps the school needed new blood, things to be done a different way. Perhaps the other person was an easier person to work with, had more energy and better health, was much more efficient????
We all go for job interviews in which we consider ourselves the very best person for the job, but the panel or HR may not agree, experience or no. The award is, in my opinion, very harsh. We all have to take it on the chin if we don’t get a job we want and we’d be millionaires if we got 50 or 60k everytime we THOUGHT we should have gotten this job or that promotion but someone else beat us to it..
Well said Cathy.
A years wages because someone says a non pc word.
Everyone have to abstain from talking if this cr@p goes on.
We are not talking about the everyday realities of job-seeking here, but about clear and proven discrimination at interview, which the court was right to censure. One of the reasons experienced candidates can be seen as so dangerous by interview panels of the wit and calibre detailed here is that they’ve been battling on long enough to know the difference between a fair interview and a skewed interview. If they are to be denied a role in the classroom as contributors, why should they not do so as challengers? Any education system worth its salt should be able to face up to that. I applaud the teacher who brought the case, and hope there will be more like her in the time to come.
What did you base your conclusion that this was a harsh judgement on, Cathy? Did you read the IT article on the case, showing how interview notes were co-incidentally destroyed by two of board members when the equality complaint was submitted? Did you read the full tribunal case report from the Equality Tribunal, produced by an equality officer who deals with these cases all day every day, and is well aware of the points you make about recruitment?
@cathyhuntyrrell please read the original decision which is linked and see so you still think the same.
@E if you read the original decision you will see that the reason the complainant was awarded so much is not because of the discriminatory comment but because the person who became principal has less qualifications AND experience than her.
70% of Employment cases are settled in favour of the employee.
Do you have a source for this, Jim?
What about the homos
Yes trickytrixster, it appears this question remains unanswered.
Obviously they’re in the process of taking over the country. The next step will be to force everyone to be gay and to have gay men and gay women getting together to have gay babies.
#gayagenda
I for one welcome our new gay overlords. #gayagenda
What about the hummus?
Is anyone surprised. Come on a nun has an attitude to Gay people. Shock horror. Of course she is prejudiced.
I didn’t expect it to be that overt, though.
She should not be in a position to influence the development of children with her bs. If she wants to wear funny clothes and wax lyrical about “the homos”, let her do it in the convent, in the company of a thankfully ever-decreasing population of like-minded simpletons.
When are they going to rename the journal the gaynews.is?
Spot on Archer.
I now know why the company that owns the journal is called “Distilled” Media.
Are they moving to Iceland then?
Who’s account is this €54K compensation money coming from? Is it the church? Or is it Public money intended to pay for running the schools?
Religious orders must be removed from state education involvement without further delay. The religious have their own agenda, obviously, and it is incompatible with secular values and norms. This isn’t an isolated example of religious bigotry. The bigotry is rife in all faith schools.
I think it is pretty safe to say it won’t be the Church anyway.
Taxpayer O’Muggins probably.
It comes from the voluntary contributions’
Well Islamic faith schools are funded by wealthy donors in Saudi Arabia.
So is she still working there as a teacher ?
@joanmurphy the decision is linked at the bottom of the article. Yes she is and the less qualified person is her principal.
That would be an ecumenical matter…
Why are people so brainwashed still so actively involved in our childrens education. Also what about the mother and baby homes, what about harboring pedophiles?
Lol
why have an interview at all if they are just supposed to give the job to the most experienced person on paper?!?
Always good for a laugh those auld nuns..
Become a Nun, throw away a perfectly good life, travel backwards 5000 years, live in misery, deny/smother your own sexuality until it distorts, dress like a bat and then spread your misery everywhere you go…..
Its tragic really and they certainly should not be allowed around children or vulnerable adults.
Seems like a fairly good catalyst to review the clause in the employment equality act.
Love to know what answer she gave.
Trainee teachers today have to abide by rule 68 which states that the teaching of jebus snd his flying donkey is more important than any other rule. Trainee teachers actually have to write about this or else they fail.
I’m a qualified primary teacher, though I don’t teach in Ireland. When you’re in teacher training in Ireland, you have the option to take the religious certificate too. It is entirely optional. However, if you don’t have it, that’s 98% of the country’s schools written off the list of potential employers, so effectively everyone takes it. If you do opt to take the test though, you have to spout it all out as if it’s the undeniable and fully backed-up truth. I had to spout out three A4 pages or so in my final exams on how Confession is necessaryto build a relationship with God, or something like that. Cannot remember exactly. I just remember being very proud of my skills in BS.
Confession is still a sacrament that many people use in deepening their relationship with God and as such is very sacred.You may not believe in it as is your right but you could show some respect and refrain from referring to it with disparaging remarks…..you say more that is unflattering about yourself than the church you are so disdainful of.
Shows the need to scrap Section 37 of the Employment Equality Act (the ethos optout).
I think that it provides evidence that there is still antipathy towards LGBT teachers from patrons. But it also shows that despite section 37 it is still possible for the state to slap patrons on the wrist for discrimination.
I don’t think it needs to be scrapped entirely, just redefined so that homophobia or bigotry doesn’t count as an ethos.
The nuns are still at it, the lying biddies.
Why did she get 54 grand and the security guard only 6?? There’s some discrimination right there too!
@amy wallis both equality officers gave half of the maximum award permitted under the employment equality acts. On relation to the security guard he claimed under access to employment where the maximum award is only 13000 while the teacher got half of the maximum ( 2 years salary) under conditions of employment. Ir may not seem fair but thems the rules.
My dad wants to know who pays the award? Will it be garnished from his mass offerings?
If only it were! Unfortunately the tax payers will so the church will get off yet again. The schools are the churches as long as it doesn’t cost them – then they become the States! Convenient eh!
It comes from the voluntary contributions!
In the parish i live in” voluntary” contributions are given in numbered envelopes. And if you fall behind the priest is not shy about pointing it out when you go looking for someone to bury your dead!
She was given compensation for a years salary?
Don’t tell me she was so offended that she became depressed and suicidal. This just stinks of someone making a complaint because they didn’t get the a job. Is she gay, non Catholic or atheist that she felt so offended, or just one of those that goes around feeling offended for everyone else. Was she fired or unable to gain employment as a result?
I agree they school was wrong in the way it was conducted, but the outcome was ridiculous. Plus the damages awarded aren’t from the coffer of the school. Such a precious person.
@hsianloon if you read the full decision you will the reason she got most of the compensation wasn’t because of the discriminatory remark but because the person who became Principal had NO school management experience and was less qualified. She was much younger than the complainant.
Sorry Typo
Everyone will
Just another example as to why religious institutions should have no involvement in education whatsoever.
Why is the school not being named? I would like to know if my children were attending this school!
@Patrick Brennan if a complainat requests anonymity in a sensitve case the Equality Tribunal normally give it. If you read the full decision you will see it is a two-teacher school. Obviously if they named the school, the teacher that took the case would be identified.
Sr. Úfasach and the bould Dermot Clifford in cahoots!!!!! Not surprised at all
Trust them to be stupid or is that just the mold they never grew out off, everyone is made in a mold???
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