Support from readers like you keeps The Journal open.
You are visiting us because we have something you value. Independent, unbiased news that tells the truth. Advertising revenue goes some way to support our mission, but this year it has not been enough.
If you've seen value in our reporting, please contribute what you can, so we can continue to produce accurate and meaningful journalism. For everyone who needs it.
THE STRANGEST FEELING you’ll probably ever have is willing someone you love to die.
After months of hoping, accepting defeat is the only option left on the table. You want them to be free and feel no pain. And so, you wait in this weird pre-death limbo.
Dad didn’t smoke and barely drank. He was very active – a farmer.
Dad on the farm
After a few weeks of symptoms – that could easily be put down to several other minor issues – he was diagnosed with a type of cancer I had to Google the spelling of: oesophageal. As the doctor informed us, it’s often associated with smokers and heavy drinkers who are overweight.
As I said, Dad never smoked, hardly ever drank alcohol and was far from overweight.
It was a shock, but then again lots of people get cancer and lots of people survive.
Before we knew Dad was sick, I had began the common post-college ritual – flights to South East Asia were booked and my working visa for Australia was sorted (months before we knew anything was wrong).
As fate would have it, the day I was due to fly out was the same day Dad had an appointment with a specialist in Dublin: 1 September 2012. After hours of sitting around, we heard the three worst words in the English language: It has spread.
I spent the next few months in Sligo and, bar some Christmas work in Penneys, was gainfully unemployed. I wouldn’t take back a moment of those months.
After the initial shock of the diagnosis dulled, fight mode kicked in and treatment began. He responded well and had a good Christmas. Hope was there.
When the treatment stopped working, the doctor assured us there were other options and they’d try a new type of chemo. It didn’t work. Again, the doctors said we’d go back to the drawing board.
On a Friday evening at our house, a nurse told us:
A week is a long time in your father’s life.
It was the first time anyone had been that honest about what was happening. The truth hit. I was mad at the doctors and nurses for what felt like them deceiving us over the past few weeks. But what were they supposed to say? ‘He’s dying’ is too blunt.
All the positive, hopeful language is what you’re supposed to say so you say it. In hindsight, we were in denial. But you can talk away any symptom or sign if the truth is too painful.
In the months while he was sick, Dad had conversations with us about what would happen if he died. He and I sat one night in the dark watching a David Attenborough documentary and mused on the meaning of life. Spoiler alert: Neither of us knew.
A countdown kicked in once the nurse said what she said. It was agonising, but also a beautiful period that many people don’t get before someone they love dies. We cried and we laughed and we talked.
As Dad himself pointed out, if he had been hit by a car and died instantly, we would have never had the chance to say how much we loved each other. Nothing was left unsaid and he died at peace.
All signs point to me being born with a fringe.
It was 1am on Monday morning went he went and the house was soon filled with neighbours. Then the funeral process kicked in – picking the readings and the coffin and the suit.
As the writer in the family, the eulogy was my job. It’s a strange, difficult thing to write – you have to sum up 60 years of life in a few minutes. It should be respectful and funny, but not too funny. At the time, I didn’t know I’d get to perfect the technique in the coming year.
In the days and weeks after, the house is full of relatives and neighbours and sandwiches. It’s all very surreal and what just happened doesn’t hit you until much later. That was my experience anyway.
Even now, my primary coping tactic is not thinking about it. When I do, I sob within about three seconds flat. In those moments when it hits me that he’s gone, I find it hard to breathe. Until I take up acting, the crying-on-cue thing will remain a largely useless trait. But I can picture myself as ‘weeping girl #4′ in some depressing film.
Humour is another helpful tactic – it’s kind of like the mental equivalent of jazz hands, akin to shouting: ‘I’m actually grand! Don’t worry about me! Don’t be awkward around me! Let’s pretend none of this is happening!’
You can make fun of grief when you’re grieving, you get a free pass.
Anne Enright has a great line about bereavement in The Gathering – your grief is comparable to your farts: Basically, you can happily dwell in your own, but, dear god, you want nothing to do with someone else’s.
Nobody knows what to say when somebody dies. And that’s okay. To try and make situations with friends less awkward I had some stock answers for when they would sympathise about my Dad: “You didn’t kill him … did you?,” I’d say. Or…
It could be worse, everyone could die.
Advertisement
Then everyone died.
Really.
Six months later, it was my granny. Then my friend. Then my granda.
About seven billion people didn’t die, but that was largely irrelevant at that time. It was a fucking shit year.
As the family’s writer-in-residence it fell to me to advise on what should or shouldn’t be included in the eulogies and, in some cases, write and deliver them.
Trying to do justice to a person’s life is not a straightforward thing to do – whether they lived until 89 or 23. When a person has died of old age it can be easier to accept than when they were taken unexpectedly, but there is no easy death and no easy grieving.
Memories
Lots of things remind me of my dad. I got his thumbs, for instance. Every time I see a black Toyota Corolla I still, for a split second, assume he’s driving it.
I wish I took more photos of and with my dad. I wish he could pick me up from the train one more time – and carry my suitcase to the car even though it has wheels. I wish I could talk to him about the farm, the weather, the marriage referendum, Mayo not reaching another All-Ireland final. I wish I could talk to him about anything.
Above all, I wish he got to be a grandfather. He would have been SO good at that.
I’m very aware of the fact this grief is not mine alone – it belongs to many people. We all deal with loss in our own ways – some openly, some silently. Whether you’ve loved someone for minutes or decades, parting is not easy.
Shortly after Dad died, one of my sisters said she was going to run the Dublin City Marathon to raise funds for cancer services in Sligo General Hospital. She asked my sisters, mum and I if we wanted to do it too. I hated running – to be fair I’d never really tried running so it was an assumption, but a fair enough one to make.
I’m sharing this fact because this was a really big deal for me mentally.
A marathon seemed like a genuinely impossible task. Having to run a lot and for prolonged periods seemed like a way of making a bad situation worse, but I couldn’t really say no. What would my reason be? ‘I’m actually pro-cancer, but you work away.’
In the end it was actually one of the best things we’ve ever done.
People stop asking how you are
It’s been over three years since Dad died. People usually stop asking how you are within the first few months, or once the first anniversary rolls around.
Sometimes I wish people would ask me about him, sometimes it might be best they don’t (see previous paragraph re weeping). There’s no handbook for any of this stuff.
Sometimes you’re told, by well-meaning people, ‘It gets better with time.’ In my experience this didn’t really happen. It’s true, to a point. You get on with your life. You’ll be happy, you’ll have fun. But your heart will always be a little bit broken – and that’s okay.
For anyone who is recently bereaved, don’t feel the need to get over it. Just let it be. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to shout, shout. If you want to laugh, laugh. There is no right way to grieve – whether it’s been three days, three years or 33 years.
The grief I feel a couple of years on is deeper in many ways. When I lost people I loved in quick succession everything happened so fast there was an unrealness to it. The more time that passes, the more it sinks in.
Call someone
I’m not special. Everyone has or will feel like this at some point – probably several times. People die all the time. Other people keep living. That’s life.
People are taken from this life at all ages and for all types of reasons. My dad was a wonderful person, so was my granny and my granda and my friend. I was lucky to have had them and I miss them every day.
There is no end point with grief. You won’t suddenly be okay – and that’s okay too. The main thing I’ve learned from being bereaved is to appreciate the people you love and make sure they know that you love them.
If there’s someone you want to hang out with, arrange it. If there’s someone you should forgive, forgive them. If there’s someone you should call, call them today.
Over the next five days, Last Rites will look at death and dying in Ireland in the same way that Irish people do: with sadness, celebration, sombreness, humour and irreverence.
We will examine everything from awkward giggles at a funeral to not knowing what to say to a friend who has been bereaved when ‘sorry for your loss’ seems inadequate. If you have a story about your own experiences you’d like to share, please send a couple of sentences to News Editor Sinéad O’Carroll on sinead@thejournal.ie or reporter Órla Ryan on orla@thejournal.ie.
Does Ireland need more data centres in the near future? Yes, says Taoiseach
25 mins ago
310
Belfast
'Calculating' teacher who groomed and sexually abused teenage pupil jailed for two years
42 mins ago
2.4k
Ireland Funds gala
Members of Enoch Burke's family forcibly removed from gala dinner in Washington DC after disrupting speech
Jane Matthews
Reports from Washington DC
17 hrs ago
94.2k
Your Cookies. Your Choice.
Cookies help provide our news service while also enabling the advertising needed to fund this work.
We categorise cookies as Necessary, Performance (used to analyse the site performance) and Targeting (used to target advertising which helps us keep this service free).
We and our 157 partners store and access personal data, like browsing data or unique identifiers, on your device. Selecting Accept All enables tracking technologies to support the purposes shown under we and our partners process data to provide. If trackers are disabled, some content and ads you see may not be as relevant to you. You can resurface this menu to change your choices or withdraw consent at any time by clicking the Cookie Preferences link on the bottom of the webpage .Your choices will have effect within our Website. For more details, refer to our Privacy Policy.
We and our vendors process data for the following purposes:
Use precise geolocation data. Actively scan device characteristics for identification. Store and/or access information on a device. Personalised advertising and content, advertising and content measurement, audience research and services development.
Cookies Preference Centre
We process your data to deliver content or advertisements and measure the delivery of such content or advertisements to extract insights about our website. We share this information with our partners on the basis of consent. You may exercise your right to consent, based on a specific purpose below or at a partner level in the link under each purpose. Some vendors may process your data based on their legitimate interests, which does not require your consent. You cannot object to tracking technologies placed to ensure security, prevent fraud, fix errors, or deliver and present advertising and content, and precise geolocation data and active scanning of device characteristics for identification may be used to support this purpose. This exception does not apply to targeted advertising. These choices will be signaled to our vendors participating in the Transparency and Consent Framework.
Manage Consent Preferences
Necessary Cookies
Always Active
These cookies are necessary for the website to function and cannot be switched off in our systems. They are usually only set in response to actions made by you which amount to a request for services, such as setting your privacy preferences, logging in or filling in forms. You can set your browser to block or alert you about these cookies, but some parts of the site will not then work.
Targeting Cookies
These cookies may be set through our site by our advertising partners. They may be used by those companies to build a profile of your interests and show you relevant adverts on other sites. They do not store directly personal information, but are based on uniquely identifying your browser and internet device. If you do not allow these cookies, you will experience less targeted advertising.
Functional Cookies
These cookies enable the website to provide enhanced functionality and personalisation. They may be set by us or by third party providers whose services we have added to our pages. If you do not allow these cookies then these services may not function properly.
Performance Cookies
These cookies allow us to count visits and traffic sources so we can measure and improve the performance of our site. They help us to know which pages are the most and least popular and see how visitors move around the site. All information these cookies collect is aggregated and therefore anonymous. If you do not allow these cookies we will not be able to monitor our performance.
Store and/or access information on a device 109 partners can use this purpose
Cookies, device or similar online identifiers (e.g. login-based identifiers, randomly assigned identifiers, network based identifiers) together with other information (e.g. browser type and information, language, screen size, supported technologies etc.) can be stored or read on your device to recognise it each time it connects to an app or to a website, for one or several of the purposes presented here.
Personalised advertising and content, advertising and content measurement, audience research and services development 141 partners can use this purpose
Use limited data to select advertising 111 partners can use this purpose
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times an ad is presented to you).
Create profiles for personalised advertising 83 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service (such as forms you submit, content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (for example, information from your previous activity on this service and other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (that might include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present advertising that appears more relevant based on your possible interests by this and other entities.
Use profiles to select personalised advertising 83 partners can use this purpose
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on your advertising profiles, which can reflect your activity on this service or other websites or apps (like the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects.
Create profiles to personalise content 38 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service (for instance, forms you submit, non-advertising content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (such as your previous activity on this service or other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (which might for example include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present content that appears more relevant based on your possible interests, such as by adapting the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find content that matches your interests.
Use profiles to select personalised content 34 partners can use this purpose
Content presented to you on this service can be based on your content personalisation profiles, which can reflect your activity on this or other services (for instance, the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects. This can for example be used to adapt the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find (non-advertising) content that matches your interests.
Measure advertising performance 132 partners can use this purpose
Information regarding which advertising is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine how well an advert has worked for you or other users and whether the goals of the advertising were reached. For instance, whether you saw an ad, whether you clicked on it, whether it led you to buy a product or visit a website, etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of advertising campaigns.
Measure content performance 60 partners can use this purpose
Information regarding which content is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine whether the (non-advertising) content e.g. reached its intended audience and matched your interests. For instance, whether you read an article, watch a video, listen to a podcast or look at a product description, how long you spent on this service and the web pages you visit etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of (non-advertising) content that is shown to you.
Understand audiences through statistics or combinations of data from different sources 74 partners can use this purpose
Reports can be generated based on the combination of data sets (like user profiles, statistics, market research, analytics data) regarding your interactions and those of other users with advertising or (non-advertising) content to identify common characteristics (for instance, to determine which target audiences are more receptive to an ad campaign or to certain contents).
Develop and improve services 83 partners can use this purpose
Information about your activity on this service, such as your interaction with ads or content, can be very helpful to improve products and services and to build new products and services based on user interactions, the type of audience, etc. This specific purpose does not include the development or improvement of user profiles and identifiers.
Use limited data to select content 38 partners can use this purpose
Content presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type, or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times a video or an article is presented to you).
Use precise geolocation data 46 partners can use this special feature
With your acceptance, your precise location (within a radius of less than 500 metres) may be used in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Actively scan device characteristics for identification 27 partners can use this special feature
With your acceptance, certain characteristics specific to your device might be requested and used to distinguish it from other devices (such as the installed fonts or plugins, the resolution of your screen) in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Ensure security, prevent and detect fraud, and fix errors 90 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
Your data can be used to monitor for and prevent unusual and possibly fraudulent activity (for example, regarding advertising, ad clicks by bots), and ensure systems and processes work properly and securely. It can also be used to correct any problems you, the publisher or the advertiser may encounter in the delivery of content and ads and in your interaction with them.
Deliver and present advertising and content 97 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
Certain information (like an IP address or device capabilities) is used to ensure the technical compatibility of the content or advertising, and to facilitate the transmission of the content or ad to your device.
Match and combine data from other data sources 72 partners can use this feature
Always Active
Information about your activity on this service may be matched and combined with other information relating to you and originating from various sources (for instance your activity on a separate online service, your use of a loyalty card in-store, or your answers to a survey), in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Link different devices 53 partners can use this feature
Always Active
In support of the purposes explained in this notice, your device might be considered as likely linked to other devices that belong to you or your household (for instance because you are logged in to the same service on both your phone and your computer, or because you may use the same Internet connection on both devices).
Identify devices based on information transmitted automatically 86 partners can use this feature
Always Active
Your device might be distinguished from other devices based on information it automatically sends when accessing the Internet (for instance, the IP address of your Internet connection or the type of browser you are using) in support of the purposes exposed in this notice.
Save and communicate privacy choices 68 partners can use this special purpose
Always Active
The choices you make regarding the purposes and entities listed in this notice are saved and made available to those entities in the form of digital signals (such as a string of characters). This is necessary in order to enable both this service and those entities to respect such choices.
have your say