LAST UPDATE | 15 Sep
IT’S THE THIRD week back and as I pulled into the car park of work I got a call to say that my younger daughter forgot her lunch. This is very on-brand for her, so I wasn’t worried, she has her bank card for this very reason and I can transfer money if she needs.
Except, she goes on to say that, like her lunchbox, the bank card is also sitting on the counter at home. And, she has no ingredients for Home Ec, and these aren’t sitting on the counter. In fact, it’s the first I’ve heard of them and I can guarantee they will require a quick dash through Tesco.
The level of calm that she brings to the phone call makes me want to headbutt the steering wheel, and I have to say that the relief of them going back to school is very short-lived.
I let everything go over the summer, I’m very loosey-goosey on things like bedtimes, showers and hoovering under the couch. Partly because of who I am as a person and partly because there’s so much else to do, between juggling childcare and work, while finding a balance of days out and activities, but also letting them be bored because it’s good for them and I have a full-time job to maintain, and they might pick up a book for once, and they also need six meals and 17 snacks a day and it all has to be super healthy because everywhere you look is another article about the rise of young people with cancers linked to their diets and… good God, can I just have a minute?
September, when it is on the horizon, looks like it holds all the answers. Someone else minding them for seven hours a day and also sending them home with work to do? I am going to get so much more done. I can already picture that quiet cup of tea, alongside the hum of the dishwasher in a clean house that smells like fresh laundry.
Of course, the September dream never arrives. The mornings are a marathon effort to get everyone up and out the door on time (or on time-ish). The younger one cannot get out of bed in the morning, and rather than get easier as she gets older, it has only ever gotten more difficult as she now has a 14-step beauty routine to complete in an already squeezed window of time. We have told her a hundred times that she has to get the important bits done first, before makeup, but obviously the second we stop watching her the Weetabix spoon is replaced with a contour wand.
The older one found a recipe for pesto eggs on TikTok over the summer, and has made it every morning since. And let me tell you, every single time I have ever complained about the mornings being hard, I didn’t realise that they could be this hard and also smell like fried eggs, olive oil and pesto.
I try so hard to gentle parent in the morning, be Authoritative not Authoritarian (or is it the other way round? I can never remember). I absolutely hate everyone leaving for the day under the dark cloud of a row, so I try to keep everything as peaceful as possible, but also, time keeps ticking and I can’t be late for work, so we really have to leave like right this second or I am going to scream.
Anyway, after I get Rip Van Winkle and Pesto Pete to school, I then have to pretend I haven’t already done a full day, and go to the office to do a day’s work, and then home afterwards to clean the breakfast explosion and prepare a healthy dinner from scratch. And when I finally reach bedtime, it never feels like I’ve done enough, and every side always seems to want more from me.
I just need to do more. If I can just do a little more, everything will be easier. Just keep moving. Wake up at 5 am to get in your exercise before anyone is awake, and then make everyone a healthy home-cooked breakfast and green smoothie, but don’t forget to also look after yourself, do your skincare and prevent all signs of ageing, while maintaining friendships and keeping your relationship alive, baking your own bread and learning new skills so you can level up, while making sure everyone gets their five-a-day, drinks two litres of water and gets eight hours of sleep while holding down a full-time job and running the house.
Easy, right? Having it all, they call it.
I am so sick and tired (and possibly a little burnt out) of trying to cram productivity into every single waking moment. I don’t want to have it all, and I don’t want to see more ‘life hacks’ that can help me do more. I don’t want to know how I can do 17 loads of laundry at once while dusting the bannisters and cleaning a toilet. I don’t want to wake up at 5 am to cram all of my needs into a tiny window before taking on the rest of the day. I don’t want to utilise every moment of the day, and I don’t need anyone trying to help me do more.
I don’t want to make 16 dinners on a Sunday and organise them into neat little containers in the fridge. I want to make each one, slowly and freshly, and without the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don’t want to lie in bed thinking about what I didn’t do that day, or arrive at my destination and realise I don’t remember a second of the drive because I was trying to make a mental list of what I need to do next. I don’t want to work smarter, harder or faster. I want to have that quiet cup of tea in the kitchen, before welcoming the kids back from school, and I want to hear every detail of their day without worrying about what I have to do next. I want to focus on each task throughout the week, trying to find a moment of appreciation for everything and giving each one the attention it deserves. I want to slow right down, and do much less, and focus on enjoying all of the little details more.
Like so many now, I feel like I should be working faster and doing more, but I never seem to make a dent in the workload. Cramming a million things into each day, and then realising another week has gone by in the blink of an eye, and that I was distracted by the next job the entire time. And who are these mythical mothers and fathers who have their acts together, anyway? Are they real, do they exist? I’m not so sure. The reality is, we are all now trying to parent in a hyper-scheduled, hyper-productive world, and it’s exhausting. It’s like we’re being gaslit by our own realities. I’m not sure who to blame for this… feminism, capitalism, neoliberalism, The Euro, social media, ourselves? Who knows, but we are where we are, and it’s a lot.
And when I think about how it feels like only yesterday when my two were tiny babies, it becomes so clear that it all goes so fast, and I really need to slow down, soak up the moments. Time is the most valuable resource, and I am going to stop wasting it in the cult of productivity.
Margaret Lynch is a working mum of two in Kildare.
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