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KATE DIED ON the afternoon of the 23 January.
She was born on the 24 January.
Kate is my daughter.
Kate was born still.
Stillborn.
Kate died kicking and screaming, fighting to live in my womb.
When you imagine birth, you imagine life.
The silence of her birth is still ringing in my ears. It is the loudest heartbreak.
The death of a baby before birth is a silent grief.
People can’t mention your bump and the baby that’s gone.
A headstone is the only place on earth (apart from our hearts) where her name is etched.
I grieve daily for the life that never grew up in this world.
I feel her body, I touch her face, I smell her but she is not here.
I recall her fingers, her torso, her long feet.
I held her lifeless body and dreamt of the life she would not have.
I never dreamt of a life without her.
I watch as others born at that time celebrate birthdays, communions, secondary school, first kisses.
My heart lurches for my child who does not get to do the same.
Hollow arms, aching heart.
Babies are meant to be born. Babies are not meant to be dead.
Sadly, thousands of people bury ‘stillborn’ babies every year. Perfectly formed, full term babies that are ‘stillborn’.
Our hearts as parents are not always still. We grieve the life we would have shared with our baby.
“What did you have?” they ask. “I had a girl,” I say.
“What did you call her?”…. “Kate,” I say.
“Is she sleeping well?” they ask. ”Like an angel,” I say.
“How many kids do you have?’ they ask.
That’s the hard one. I have three: one in heaven and two here.
The silence is deafening.
Written by Triona Mc Conkey (McHale)
Mother to Kate, 24/1/2002
Paddy 29/1/2005
Billy 5/7/2006
Triona sent TheJournal.ie this piece after reading Orla Ryan’s personal story ‘Then everyone died’: I lost four people I loved in 14 months. If there is an experience you’d like to share, please mail sinead@thejournal.ie
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Thank you Triona for sharing your story…..It demonstrates the heartache of a stillbirth and one of the most strikin, powerful pieces I have ever read. It will stay with me for a long time to come.
Sorry for your loss. All my problems seem small.
God that’s heart breaking , no parent should ever have to bury a child .
And yet so many have to, that’s the definition of tragedy right there.
I really appreciate that you could write that piece and that I could read it. I’m sure you found it extremely hard. I’m not a father so long but I can’t imagine how I’d survive the loss of my baby. Power to you and I hope can find peace.
Sorry for your loss X
God that’s lovely and so sad and such a tragedy to have to carry a child for 9 months and deliver it stillborn as a Mother my heart aches for you xx
Very moving. I thank god every day for my healthy little girl. Rip kate
16 years ago I had a stillborn. I was only 19 years of age. I still cry at nights or when I go visit his grave the hardest thing I always face each time is turning my back and walking away from the grave to get into my car. I buried my heart that day we don’t get over it we just learn to deal with it but still can have bad days. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world but then I taught one day that if we all feel like this well then we are all together in this world going through this as mothers. We may have smiles on our face in gatherings or laugh with our friends. But at the end of the day when we look up at the sky at night we always think of our little angels in heaven. When I go on an airplane I always look out the window and think this is the closest I’m am getting to him until I meet him again. X
I had a son called stephen he was born asleep that was 25 years ago and I still miss him so much i celebrate stephen birthday every year so I can understand how you are feeling it get better but it takes time its beautiful that you can speak about kate she will be with you every day take each day as it comes so sorry for your loss
What a brave woman to write that Kate will be proud of you Triona. Respect!
You are one brave parent to share your heartbreaking story with us, tragedy shows no mercy to those affected, you have so many people out there who can empathise with you and your family I know that is little consolation, try to be good to yourself. X X X
Thank you for sharing. Truly heartfelt piece.
Beautiful tribute to Kate. I’m lost for words other than to say you are a wonderfully strong woman for sharing your story xx
Here’s a site that I came across lately
https://www.facebook.com/Meeting-Grief-with-Mindfulness-and-Compassion-244213349082032/?fref=ts
Sometimes words fail, and then there are those rare times, such as your beautiful moving tribute to your beautiful girl, and the power of the feeling behind them leave me breathless at your strength and bravery. Those who are truly loved are never forgotten. Deepest love to your whole family x
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you peace and continued love in your heart for your obviously beloved little girl.
I cannot imagine the pain and anguish that is re-lived every day by the parents of a still born child.
Through extended family I have had a glimpse of the suffering endured by the mother of a still born baby. I know of nothing worse a parent can do than bury their baby who did not have a chance to live.
For those that do experience this awful event I can only offer sincere condolences which seems so paltry and ineffective when compared to the loss that has occurred.
Xx
Prayers to every mother who lost children from stillbirth, we loss our much loved and wanted little girl stillbirth at 5 months, gone but never forgotten
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