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SHOULD YOU BE after a meaningful relationship, a fling or to ‘get out there’ and experience new things with new people, guess what? There’s an app for that.
Along with most single girls in London, I have tried them all, Tinder, Happn, Jswipe, the list is endless. 30 year old female, GSOH, WLTM similar male with no live-in ex-girlfriends, commitment issues or bodies in the garden. What could go wrong?
Well, several months and several apps later I have found that they all have a familiar thread running through them; a steady barrage of photos that will turn us off quicker than you can say ‘duck lips with snake hips’.
‘A picture paints a thousands words’: In 2015 never was a truer word spoken. In this era of dating apps, your photos are your mating call. Trust me, wrong set of snaps can be as detrimental as the tag line “4ft 8. Interests include my mother, Victorian dolls and cardigans”.
If you’re wondering why your photos haven’t been getting your desired result… Ring the bell, school’s back in.
Here are the worst Tinder crimes that I’ve seen in my time swiping left.
The Bed Selfie
The Aim: “Oh what a hunk, look at him all rugged and wrapped in cotton. Push over and make room.”
Reality: After sending a screen shot to our Whatsapp group ‘Tinder twats’, we cannot escape thoughts of you trying to get your pose right, propping yourself up, t-shirt on, t-shirt off, eyes squinting, smile, no smile, filtering and the ones of you topless and alone in your little bed on a Sunday morning that didn’t make the cut but you so eagerly took while holding your breath. Just stop it.
Date Warning: Should you manage to actual meet the Bed Selfier (notorious for using apps for ego boosts only), avoid like the cake your boss made while she was off with food poisoning.
The Topless Selfi
The Aim: “What a hunk, look at him all rugged and muscular. I just want him to bench-press me”
Reality: Man, does this guy have any friends/ interesting things to do/jumpers? Dating apps are filled with guys doing fun things with friends, indulging in their hobbies, jumping out of helicopters, skydiving and you think you in a pair of grey tracksuit pants in your mam’s hallway is going to cut it.
Date Warning: It will be all about him. Just him. Oh and how much he likes grilled chicken, protein shakes, Ibiza, the lads and hashtags. Be warned, he wears pastels, hair gel and shares pictures of David Beckham on Facebook.
The Telfie (toilet selfie)
The Aim: “Wow, great angles”
Reality: This guy has put up a picture of himself having a poo. The lighting in your jacks is flattering and you want to indulge us in it. Doll, the tiled wall behind you, frosted window and the Duck bottle cap are a huge give away.
Date Warning: Even if he has five other pictures that include him rescuing children from a fire, winning a Nobel prize or anything else that could swing the balance back in his favour – never touch his phone.
The Faux Sleeping Selfie:
Not even going there. You and the guy that sends selfies as his Tinder Moments need to join the queue waiting for the rest of us to care. We’ll send sandwiches.
The Ex-girlfriend Selfie
The Aim: “Ride”
The Reality: Listen, just because you’ve cropped her out we can see her manicure, the rosé on the table, the two glasses. Never doubt our ability to know everything. Instantly. I am of the opinion that we need just three women, after 6 bottles of wine, to succeed in locating all of ISIS.
The Date: If most of his pictures are basically a visual history of his last relationship, he hasn’t been single long enough to take new pictures. There’ll be tears and they wont be his.
The Animal/Grandma/Baby Selfie
Aim: “Stand up guy! Holding Granny’s hand, making that baby giggle, cuddling that cute, little doggie woggie. I just want to rip all his clothes off, have winter walks, bake him bread. Be still, my beating womb.”
Reality: This guy will stop at absolutely NOTHING to get a ride on Tinder. He made that poor woman stand for over a minute with knackered knees until his beard looked good.
Date Warning: The ‘Prop Selfie’ guy is one to be wary of. RUN. Unless that is, you’ve a hankering for an STI.
The Suit Selfie
The Aim: “Well if it isn’t himself, James bloody Bond.”
The Reality: People that have to wear a suit to work don’t actually think it’s that big of deal. Just so you know next time you’re in the toilets in Dundrum shopping centre taking a lunch snap, check yourself.
Date Warning: You’ll find out that when he said he works in finance he actually meant that he’s the only one on the late shift that’s allowed to cash up. Oh and he’s four years younger than advertised.
The Gym Changing Room Selfie
Veins. Veins. Vain.
Delta Bravo is a single Irish woman on the London dating scene, armed with sarcasm and wine – and making bad decisions so you don’t have to.
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