THERE’S NO PARENTING rule book or child-raising manual. For the most part we just have to figure things out on our own, which is easier said than done.
Each week in our new series, Am I Being A Bad Parent?, we hear from a reader who can’t figure out if they’re on the right track with a parenting decision, or if they’ve gotten something 100% wrong. To get a balanced view of the situation, we put the dilemma to a group of Irish parents, keeping things anonymous to encourage honest answers.
Is it ever OK to judge someone else’s parenting style, even in private? There’s another mum I get on great with but every time I see her in the playground she’s feeding her son (aged 18 months) crisps or chocolate to keep him quiet/happy. I know I shouldn’t judge but I can’t help myself, I really worry about his teeth! Am I being unreasonable to cast silent judgements on her parenting?
Yes, you’re being unreasonable, if only in a small way. It’s hard because I think the usual ‘live and let live’ philosophy is undermined a bit when there is a kid (or at least a kid’s future teeth) at stake. But firstly, there is no helpful way to say ‘don’t feed your child crap’, so really the only option is to leave well alone. And secondly, it’s sort of terrifyingly easy to fall into making judgments about other people’s parenting styles and my feeling is that it should be avoided. Even internally.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. As long as it’s silent, consider it part of your natural parental instinct. And bear in mind that not just parents do this. I feel really sad when I see parents feed really small kids complete crap, for example, but I would never say it to them because a. I don’t know their circumstances and b. unless there is abuse involved, I wouldn’t intervene in anyone’s parenting.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. You’re just being human. We’re all judging each other all the time in all sorts of contexts but thankfully most of us learn that you can’t move through the world successfully while proffering your judgments to others out loud – everyone would hate each other. Don’t make the mistake to think that your choices for your kids are always the best choices for other people and their kids. But don’t feel bad about thinking that’s it’s a terrible idea for anyone to consistently feed their kids crap food – that’s just common sense.
No, you’re not being unreasonable – but you should stop anyway. I’m the youngest of many, so have lots of nieces and nephews. Whenever a sibling was raising a kid there’d always be some element of clucking and how they were all doing it wrong from afar. Always disliked it. There but the grace of God and all that. So I would say it isn’t bad parenting, which is so subjective anyway, but is callous behaviour that serves no one well. Focus on your own I reckon.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. I think it’s impossible not to have thoughts like these when you’re a parent, but if you’re keeping those thoughts to yourself, for the sake of your friendship, I don’t see anything wrong with it. It might be a different story if it’s affecting your child’s interaction with the other child, ie if your kid sees them getting treats that you don’t give your child all the time. Maybe then you’d have to bring it up. But silent judgment shouldn’t be something you feel bad about.
Neither yes nor no – but you’re missing the point! If she keeps her children quiet with crisps or chocolate she is a miracle worker!
So what’s the final result? Is our reader being unreasonable?
No – 4
Yes – 1
N/A – 1
Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
Do you have a parenting issue you need advice on? Do you find yourself asking if you’re being unreasonable? Drop us a line with your reader dilemma on family@thejournal.ie.
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