EACH WEEK IN our series, Am I Being A Bad Parent?, we hear from a reader who can’t figure out what to do about a tricky parenting situation.
To get a balanced view, we put the dilemma to a group of Irish parents, keeping things anonymous to encourage honest answers.
Navigating a strained adult relationship with a parent can be difficult, and especially so if you have children of your own. Suddenly, there’s a grandparent-grandchild dynamic to consider too.
This week, one reader if wondering how to proceed after a relationship breakdown with her mother – should she accept that her kids may not see their grandmother any longer, or attempt to keep that connection going for their sake?
Have a parenting question you’d like some other mums and dads to weigh in on? Let us know anonymously here!
I’ve never gotten along with my mother, but our relationship has worsened in recent years. Last month we had a massive argument and a lot of old stuff came up. We haven’t spoken since, and I can’t see us resolving things this time. My kids absolutely adore her – and she adores them. They’ve been asking about her but I don’t know how to involve her in their lives when we aren’t speaking. Am I being a bad parent by cutting my kids off from their grandmother?
Yes, I do think you’re being unreasonable. If your kids have a healthy, positive relationship with their grandmother, I think it’s really important to try to preserve that as far as is possible. This is your conflict, not theirs. That might mean swallowing your own pride and making contact with her for the sake of your kids, even if it is painful. If that’s definitely not an option for you right now, do you have siblings or a partner who would be willing to take responsibility for organising a meetup between your mum and the kids, so you don’t need to be there?
You’re being unreasonable by cutting them off. It’s a very difficult situation but long term, in the best case scenario, a shared interest in your kids might be a route to some kind of (even limited) reconciliation. But even if that doesn’t happen, they are likely to learn the full story when they’re old enough to make their own decisions – and I think enabling them to make those decisions is probably the right thing to do.
No, I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Although it may be hard, it would be understandable if you were to cut them off at least temporarily from a family member who you have a bad relationship with. The kids won’t be happy if mum is miserable every time granny comes around. If the kids are asking about her, maybe you could tell them in an age-appropriate way that you are both upset and that none of you will be seeing her for the moment. Telling them they will never see her again would be too much. Assuming that it is a personality thing and not an abusive relationship, hopefully over time you and she will make up or find a way to get along for the sake of the children. Relationships with grandparents are very important and as you said, they adore each other.
You’re both being unreasonable. If you want their grandmother to be involved in their lives – and she wants to be involved in theirs – you both have to work together to make that happen if your own relationship is strained. It’s not a one-way street, and you both have to do what’s best for the children.
So what’s the final tally? Is this reader being unreasonable?
No – 1
Yes – 3
Tell us your thoughts in the comments! Have a parenting question you want answered? Let us know anonymously in our survey here and we’ll put it to the real-life experts: your fellow mums and dads.
Fancy a luxury family getaway to Cork’s five-star Castlemartyr Resort? Enter right here – and don’t forget to subscribe to our Family Newsletter below!
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
have your say