EACH WEEK IN our series, Am I Being A Bad Parent?, we hear from a reader who can’t figure out what to do about a tricky parenting situation.
To get a balanced view, we put the dilemma to a group of Irish parents, keeping things anonymous to encourage honest answers.
Working to establish trust with your child can be a difficult and sometimes thankless process – especially as they get older and gain independence.
This week, one reader is wondering if she’s being too lenient on her teenage son after he threw a house party behind her back.
Have a parenting question you’d like some other mums and dads to weigh in on? Let us know anonymously here!
My 16-year-old son threw a house party when we were away. We had no idea that he threw a party until one of our neighbours unknowingly asked us about a crowd being in the house. We’ve never had an issue with trust before, so this is totally new ground for us. I think that us confronting him and expressing our disappointment is punishment enough, but my partner thinks he should be grounded. I’d prefer for us to keep a good relationship with him instead of making him feel isolated. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to punish him?
I’m really not sure if you’re being unreasonable. It depends on whether you had ever told him that he was not allowed to throw a party when you were not there. If not, then it is hardly his fault. If you did tell him, then he directly went against you and there should be repercussions.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would imagine that seeing his parents disappointed in him will be enough of a kick up the bum to stop him doing it again. However, there are other approaches you could take to let him know that actions have consequences (aside from grounding him). For example, let him know that next time you are away a relative is going to have to stay with him, and that this is a direct result of him throwing the party. You could also explain to him that you have decided not to ground him but that once trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild it.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. If parties aren’t something you’ve discussed before, I think an additional punishment is probably more likely to undermine trust than build it at this stage. Which begs the question: are you happy for him to throw parties while you’re away, perhaps if he lets you know in advance and under certain conditions decided by you? This could be an opportunity to come to agreement on a structure in a relatively amicable way. Then it will be his responsibility as well as yours to keep to that structure, if he wants to keep having parties.
Yes, you are being unreasonable. This may be the first time that you’ve had an issue with trust, but it’s likely that your son knew what he was risking by throwing a party behind your back. I understand that you don’t want to make him feel isolated, but I do think that some form of penalty has to be put in place in order to show him that his actions have consequences.
So what’s the final tally? Is this reader being unreasonable?
No – 2
Maybe – 1
Yes – 1
Tell us your thoughts in the comments! Have a parenting question you want answered? Let us know anonymously in our survey here and we’ll put it to the real-life experts: your fellow mums and dads.
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