ALEXANDRA POTTER SAYS she can’t remember the first time she made herself sick but it quickly went from once a week to every meal.
“My earliest memory is when I was about 12 in first year, that’s when I made my first connection with body image and weight and self worth.
“I went shopping with my aunt and I remember standing in the dressing room and thinking God that looks awful, I look horrific.
“I remember looking at other girls in the shop and I remember comparing myself to them and thinking they’re slimmer, I’m fatter and things like that.
“I was more sensitive than I realised and things that I thought didn’t affect me, subconsciously did.”
The 17-year-old described to Ryan Tubridy on 2FM how how she was bullied in school and hated it. She said things got worse in third year.
A lot of the time you could starve yourself during the day and then in the evening instead of eating a normal portion of food you could completely overload…eat two or three amounts of what you should eat and then those feelings of guilt are so strong that you feel you need to make up for it.
“It started off two or three times a week but by Christmas I was sick almost every time I ate.
“You feel you can’t control some aspects of your life but you can control what you put into your body.
Alexandra also described how she was bullied in school for being sporty.
I was never into make-up or the fake tan, I did my own thing and I stuck out for it. I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke and I suppose they thought ‘we’ll put her back in her place’.
“They did…they made me feel worthless. I had no feelings of acceptance from others.”
Found out
Alexandra said her sister first figured out something was wrong and went to her parents.
“I remember it was a Saturday night, they came in from a night out and it all came out, tears everything, the whole lot. Mostly me [crying] saying I don’t know how it started, I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know how deep I am in this.
Up to that point I was trying to keep myself in and be cool and calm but I was nothing of the sort.
Her parents brought her to the doctors and she was transferred onto a therapy clinic. When asked how it felt when she was found out, Alexandra said:
There was a sense of relieve, I was leaving little hints hoping they would find out.
“At the same time I was worried what people were going to think about me.”
Alexandra did sessions with a therapist which she found very helpful, but the therapist wasn’t trained in ways to treat anorexia and bulimia.
Last year Alexandra went into transition year and joined a fitness centre to get her fitness back up, she wrote an article that was published on TheJournal.ie but she wasn’t doing as well as she seemed. She says, “it was all too quick”.
‘Ongoing battle’
“I wasn’t anorexic but I definitely went that way about it. I had to cycle to and from work, if I didn’t do it those feelings of guilt would be overpowering.
“I couldn’t miss a session at the fitness centre, I had to go, I couldn’t miss camogie training, I couldn’t miss football, I had to do it.
I suppose I still felt like I wasn’t happy with myself and I deserved these feelings of guilt. It was just an ongoing battle.
“In order to recover you have to want to recover, you feel like the condition is your friend and it’s there for you but you need to break that cycle.
“I went to a few sessions with a clinic in Dublin and that was really good but the expense was too much.
“The train was €30 and the session was €80 an hour. They were definitely on the same page but I had to stop going because I just couldn’t afford it.
“But I had the right tools and a great family support…I’m definitely in a better situation than I was.
“I think I have [the balance] right but sometimes I think I have to do it but I just need to take a step back and put things in perspective.
“There’s myths out there that once you have an eating disorder you’ll always have an eating disorder and that’s complete and utter rubbish, you might always have tendency.
“I know when I get older I have a very obsessive personality, if I get it in my head I will do it…at the same time that can be a good thing., I just need to be careful I don’t overdo it.”
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