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The mind-shattering boredom and bemusement of watching a man be crowned king

Attending a celebration of the monarchy simply makes it more incomprehensible.

Carl Kinsella reports from London

GIVEN THE SHEER scale of the attendance, I expected the Hyde Park coronation fanzone to be abuzz with excitement.

On the way in, it seemed to me an unholy throng of people. It felt like a capacity Croke Park crowd. Lined with food trucks, people picnicking despite the rain, and a palpable sense of dehydration, the set-up was little different to a music festival. 

Only there was no music. No singing. No buzz of any kind. Nobody was paying any attention to the big screen – on which the entire ceremony would be broadcast – while it showed the eight living Prime Ministers filing into the Westminster Abbey.

Prime Ministers of Canada and Australia were shown similar disinterest. Instead of doing any journalism I found myself writing chants for the ignored world leaders (My lover’s got no money, he’s got his Albanese).

Then: Prince Andrew. Dry as a bone. I braced myself. Surely. Surely now the crowd would react. There are simply so many things one could say, or scream, or chant about this man. There was nothing. Maybe it was up to me. Maybe they’re just waiting for a leader. Maybe they’d regard me as a hero. I thought better of it.

The announcer kept it to one line: “A rare public appearance for the Duke of York.” Indeed.

britains-prince-harry-duke-of-sussex-and-prince-andrew-leave-westminster-abbey-following-the-coronation-ceremony-of-britains-king-charles-and-queen-camilla-in-london-saturday-may-6-2023-toby Alamy Stock Photo Alamy Stock Photo

Even the arrival of Prince Harry, a now much-maligned figure for his choice to publicly criticise his family, was completely ignored.

I thought hard about how an enormous Irish crowd would react in a situation like this. Gathered tens of thousands strong, with access to beer, watching divisive public figures in fancy dress on a big screen.

I believe it would be messy, it would be funny. It would be, for want of a better word, mad. This was none of those things.

The first cheers – cheers which I would describe as respectful, or polite – were for the king’s golden chariot as it began its journey from Buckingham Palace, and for the arrival of William and Kate. There was also a crowd-wide rendition of God Save The King that briefly triggered my fight or flight response, but soon that, too, was over without much fuss. 

The ceremony began, and any illusions I’d been under that the British would be watching in wonderment, with rapt attention, or tears in their eyes, were snuffed out for good. This was mass, plain and simple. I was at mass. English mass, outside, in the rain.

By 22 minutes in, I was praying for Just Stop Oil to storm the abbey and throw soup over the orb. Please, God, just let them soup the orb.

Having failed to obtain a programme, I didn’t know which parts of the ceremony would be best for me to skip out on and go have a wander. I chose my moments carefully. When the third person started repeating the spiel about “paying homage” I decided I was probably safe to explore. 

I walked from the very front of the crowd to the back, standing in different spots and striking up very few conversations. I asked one woman, probably without the necessary journalistic tact, why she liked the monarchy so much. My tone must not have been great, because her immediate reply was “The best strategy is: if you don’t have anything nice to say, best not to say anything at all”. 

While Twitter was excited by all sorts of things – Penny Mordaunt holding a big sword, Charles reading one of his oaths off a card, Charles getting stripped off and oiled to the Champions League music – the atmosphere in Hyde Park remained muted. Pleased. 

Part of me had hoped the crowd would cheer the orb in the same way the world fell in love with the little car that drove the ball out onto the pitch during Euro 2020. No such luck. Maybe if they’d had the little car bring him the orb. 

royal-fans-watch-the-britains-king-charles-iii-coronation-ceremony-on-a-screen-in-hyde-park-in-london-saturday-may-6-2023-ap-photoemilio-morenatti Alamy Stock Photo Alamy Stock Photo

Less than an outpouring of national pride, it seemed more so that this was just something for people to do of a Saturday morning. A reason to come together and (I use this term loosely) celebrate.

It was impossible not to be struck by what society could accomplish if it came together for something useful, or productive, in the name of pretty much anything other than a man riding through town in a golden chariot that he won in a lottery of birth. 

It’s not a very profound sentiment, but it was a hard one to ignore. Between the plastic union jacks bearing the logo of The Sun, a small girl in a Camilla Parker Bowles mask that I will see in my nightmares until the day I die, and the utter lack of atmosphere, I couldn’t help but wonder what this was all for. Why anybody would be content for society to be arranged this way and not some other way. 

Before the ceremony had even begun, protestors were arrested for ‘conspiracy to cause public nuisance’. They hadn’t even started protesting yet. This was in keeping with the Metropolitan Police’s strange midweek announcement that their ‘tolerance for any disruption, whether through protest or otherwise’ would be ‘low.’

That background might provide something of a context for the strange atmosphere in Hyde Park today. It is hard, consciously or otherwise, to be enthusiastic about something you have no say in. How much can you truly love a monarch?

Maybe it’s a cultural quirk that, as an Irishman, is simply beyond my grasp. On today’s evidence, I am fine with that.

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64 Comments
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    Mute Fi Wyse
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    May 6th 2023, 4:03 PM

    I thought it was a nice service. I’ve worked for a company based in the UK for 18 years, I love a bit of pomp and ceremony especially the military aspect of it. It’s a great day for the British colleagues and friends. And let’s face it, any excuse to have a bit of cake! I don’t care about the past, I only care about what’s in front of me before anybody starts with the political muck.

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    Mute Terry Fagan
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    May 6th 2023, 6:06 PM

    @Fi Wyse: Fair play.

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    Mute Larry Whelan
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    May 6th 2023, 6:30 PM

    @Fi Wyse: Well
    Said..that country has propped up our Republic for years providing work our emigrants going back decades.
    Long live the King.

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    Mute EMcD
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    May 6th 2023, 8:52 PM

    @Fi Wyse: We’ll said!The begrudgery is alive and kicking in a lot of people here it seems.

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    Mute Fi Wyse
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    May 6th 2023, 8:59 PM

    @EMcD: I’m only annoyed we are not getting the bank holiday lol, we closed for William and Kates wedding but we have amalgamated with the Irish branch now so those perks are sadly gone!

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    Mute Shelly Levine
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    May 6th 2023, 4:05 PM

    Excellent article Carl, bualadh bos.

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    Mute Ann Basquille Smith
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    May 6th 2023, 3:53 PM

    Hilarious piece of journalism

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    Mute Murph11
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    May 6th 2023, 4:33 PM

    Seeing this article i headed straight to the comments. First comment from Rob encouraged me to actually read it and im so glad i did. A very well written and hilarious article. It gave me a laugh which i needed.

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    Mute Ned
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    May 6th 2023, 3:48 PM

    That sums it up I would say.

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    Mute Jack Ryan
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    May 6th 2023, 4:17 PM

    Great article

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    Mute Sean O Toole
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    May 6th 2023, 4:53 PM

    Brilliant funny piece
    Well done

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    Mute Fionn Ó Fúraigh
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    May 6th 2023, 5:07 PM

    Great, well written article. Sums it up really.

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    Mute Rory Wilson
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    May 6th 2023, 4:35 PM

    Carl, you wanted music, singing, Buzz – - Carl, you were at the Coronation, not the concert! That’s tomorrow and it’s in Windsor, not Hyde Park.

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    Mute itzme
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    May 6th 2023, 4:30 PM

    Leo picking his nose again was the highlight of the day.

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    Mute Teresa O'Halloran
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    May 6th 2023, 6:53 PM

    @itzme: you need this to get out more

    47
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    Mute Emer McDonnell
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    May 6th 2023, 5:58 PM

    Cringeful article! The usual im Irish arent we great fun altogether! It was a historical moment and I thought the music for the service was just beautiful! Maybe look at how we react when an American president visits here to talk about his ‘Irishness” we couldnt kiss his a** enough. But keep on ridiculing our closest neighboours.

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    Mute Brendan Luke Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 6:42 PM

    @Emer McDonnell: in fairness there are plenty of our nearest neighbours who despise Charles and the whole pantomime too.

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    Mute EMcD
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    May 6th 2023, 6:55 PM

    @Brendan Luke Ferron: True, but they don’t behave the way we do when an American president decides to grace us with a visit.

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    Mute EMcD
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    May 6th 2023, 8:49 PM

    @Brendan Luke Ferron: I forgot to say despise is way too harsh, they may be republicans and anti monarchy but to despise someone (who I personally think comes across as a kind individual) is just nasty and cruel!

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    Mute Brendan Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 8:54 PM

    @EMcD: I doubt his ex wife thought him a kind individual. The English I know have no time for him.

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    Mute Ross Nolan
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    May 6th 2023, 5:31 PM

    Whatever you think about Charles as a person or monarchy in general I find it far less tiresome than a relentlessly smug, sneering pseudo-ironic take on our neighbours masquerading as something insightful.

    What makes it worse is that the papers are full of exactly the same stuff which makes me think that far being original or edgy the journalist is on the exact save wavelength as all his peers.

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    Mute Liz O'Neill
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    May 6th 2023, 6:02 PM

    Well,you know what? You weren’t invited. If you didn’t like the show you should have gone to somebody else’s party.

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    Mute Rochelle Hart
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    May 6th 2023, 6:21 PM

    Great article!

    Spectacles like today strike me as something only citizens who have endured centuries of brainwashing from their glorious supreme leaders could pass off as normal or cause for celebration. All very strange.

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    Mute Teresa O'Halloran
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    May 6th 2023, 6:59 PM

    Why go, if you know you are just going there to jeer? You could stayed at home twiddling your thumbs.

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    Mute Larry Whelan
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    May 6th 2023, 6:27 PM

    Show Respect for the traditions of another country..
    Whats you prefer Russian way .

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    Mute Rochelle Hart
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    May 6th 2023, 7:47 PM

    @Larry Whelan: Those “traditions” which involve parading stolen jewels and trinkets from South Africa and India to impress the peasants of their wealth and power as a man being anointed by oil from apartheid Israel is declared as “chosen by God” to rule over them.

    You don’t have to respect anything so morally disgusting.

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    Mute Victor Feldman
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    May 6th 2023, 8:11 PM

    @Rochelle Hart: all the srories in the NT Took place in israel and not ROME.

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    Mute Donal Desmond
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    May 7th 2023, 10:17 AM

    @Larry Whelan: The Russians had the right idea when they dealt with the Tsar.

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    Mute Catherine Doyle
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    May 6th 2023, 5:49 PM

    Loved your article.

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    Mute Jim O'Sullivan
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    May 6th 2023, 3:49 PM

    Why does a religion get involved with this ridicules nonsense and then expect to be taken seriously

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    Mute Aidan Bergin
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    May 7th 2023, 2:50 PM

    @Jim O’Sullivan: as if religion was not absurd nonsense as well.

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    Mute zephyrum
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    May 6th 2023, 4:38 PM

    Seeing something like this is like a scene from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

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    Mute Pat Barry
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    May 6th 2023, 4:44 PM

    @zephyrum: A proper circus – “The Greatest Showman”?

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    Mute Brendan Luke Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 6:39 PM

    Good article that sums up well the whole nonsense of the thing. No doubt there will be a few of the usual West Brit crowd giving out though!!

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    Mute honey badger
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    May 6th 2023, 7:02 PM

    @Brendan Luke Ferron: Michelle O’Neill seemed to enjoy herself thankfully. Typical west brit.

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    Mute Brendan Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 7:06 PM

    @honey badger: Thats up to her, not sure what that has to do with my comment though?

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    Mute Hotirish
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    May 6th 2023, 7:53 PM

    @Brendan Ferron: how do you have a profile ‘Brendan Ferron’ and in the same comments section there’s a ‘Brendan Luke Ferron’? Coincidence no doubt!!

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    Mute Brendan Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 8:29 PM

    @Hotirish: logged in on fb on phone, google on laptop, only noticed that now.

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    Mute Sharon Clifford
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    May 6th 2023, 5:46 PM

    Worst episode of game of thrones ever!!

    108
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    Mute Paulco
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    May 6th 2023, 5:25 PM

    This how the Rich control you…

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    Mute Mick Hyland
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    May 7th 2023, 12:12 AM

    @Paulco: what? How?

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    Mute June Gallagher
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    May 6th 2023, 7:41 PM

    So small minded and prejudicial. Any other country, religion or cultural ceremony and this would not have even been printed. Don’t forget Ireland had a monarchy too, a very long, rich historical tradition, and the English royal family are direct descendants of the last high king of Ireland. Is it really so difficult to have some respect for another country or the descendants of your own? This article is ignorant in extremus, soup the orb? Seriously? Shame on you. You’re an embarrassment to the country, like mr. snot picker, no respect or decorum always an embarrassment. And nobody finds it ridiculous to have politicians hanging out backstage at a kylie minogue gig with men in pig masks or snogging young lads in night clubs. This country has gone to the dogs. Civilisation is devolving. Shameful. Long live the king.

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    Mute Liz O'Neill
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    May 6th 2023, 8:17 PM

    @June Gallagher: If this writer had written in such a way about any other country he would have been held to account for abject racism. Deplorable journalism.

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    Mute Brendan Ferron
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    May 6th 2023, 8:44 PM

    @Liz O’Neill: I don’t think any group has been more critical of todays pantomime than English, Scots and Welsh. Protest up and down the country.

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    Mute Sean Walsh
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    May 6th 2023, 8:59 PM

    @June Gallagher: The writer probably rushed the article, so that he could see his favourite ENGLISH football team on TV.

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    Mute William Slevin
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    May 6th 2023, 4:18 PM

    What we’re you expecting lol most ceremonies are boring…

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    Mute Clementine Varo
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    May 6th 2023, 7:31 PM

    The fact that certain people found this article ‘hilarious’ concerns me. Any ideas here? I’ll go first : Jason Byrne fans?

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    Mute FixoUZLA
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    May 6th 2023, 5:10 PM

    Being King is so over-rated .

    52
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    Mute Maurice Byrne
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    May 7th 2023, 12:13 AM

    Dear Carl, please grow up, the coronation is the pinnacle of an neighbouring country’s essence in its monarchy, belief, culture and nothing to do with us. I’m not a royalist by any means, just a respectable moderate. Your article a cheap shot to try gain attention for yourself, unfortunately without any respect to or for our nexdoor neighbour. Imagine moving to Britain and writing about our Presidential ceremony in a similar vein

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    Mute Matt Donovan
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    May 7th 2023, 8:14 AM

    @Maurice Byrne: Well said.

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    Mute Marie B
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    May 6th 2023, 6:57 PM

    Typical uncultured ,small, immature… mindset.

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    Mute Brian Farrell
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    May 6th 2023, 5:43 PM

    Based on the Mets zero tolerance for protesters disrupting, I’m hoping the next time insulate England, stop oil or whomever block the M25 that King Charles is in the blocked traffic.

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    Mute Andy Gibson
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    May 6th 2023, 8:25 PM

    What an ignorant, shoddy piece of ‘journalism’.

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    Mute Joan Grennan
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    May 6th 2023, 9:39 PM

    It had a very false vibe to it .How could it be otherwise when the so called queen is an imposter , and 2 great elephants in the room Harry ,the king’s son and Andrew his very own brother were there but at the same time not there .Penny Mordaunt looked fab ,Camilla glowing like a very satisfied cat , Ann the most regal of all ,and the 2 guys who did the signing for the deaf an entertainment themselves ,full of enthusiasm and expression .A female commentator invented a new.verb coronated and poor Charlie looked wrecked .

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    Mute indh2004
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    May 7th 2023, 8:15 AM

    Terrible journalism. Disappointed that this was allowed to be published. With all the negative views and hatred expressed about the neighbours, why then do people still opt to move there! Stay back in ireland and continue to live your perfect lives

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    Mute Liam Byrne
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    May 6th 2023, 10:12 PM

    Feck! I thought it was gonna be the omnibus of Coronation Street, wait! I don’t look at either. Chewing gum for the eyes as father Ted said.

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    Mute Simran Collops
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    May 7th 2023, 7:19 AM

    I often read when I am bored. Many years ago, I recall being given an English essay to write about being bored.
    This article reminds me of that. Exquisitely descriptive, but ultimately pointless pastime.

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    Mute Neil Brooks
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    May 8th 2023, 2:59 PM

    Everyone who reads the journal is aware that by and large most of its journalists hate Britain and the British . So the article is not a surprise, whoever the fact that hundreds of millions people watched the ceremony in over a hundred countries live means they at least enjoyed the whole event, as did the vast majority of British people in Britain and northern island. The journalist concerned needs to wipe that chip off his shoulder.

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    Mute AnthonyK
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    May 7th 2023, 2:30 AM

    Long live Cromwell

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    Mute I9AQcjXs
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    May 8th 2023, 8:16 AM

    These people are psychotic elites that think of you as less than cattle can people stop fawning over them like there some decent old family that hasn’t raped and pillaged the whole world!

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