Let’s Talk About Fertility is a series sponsored by Vhi Healthcare that deconstructs the stigma around infertility, inspired by the stories of couples who have experienced it and the doctors and counsellors who see its impact everyday.
“TO BE FACED WITH infertility can be absolutely earth-shattering… You’re dealing with chronic disappointments, sex, financial struggles, and all sorts of other issues.”
As a psychotherapist who specialises in the emotional impact of fertility, Laura Bayoumi has seen the fundamental effect these issues have had on her clients first-hand. She has pinpointed practical things that couples can do to limit it.
Firstly, Bayoumi urges that giving yourselves time to process and discuss your diagnosis together is essential:
I think you need to sit down and let the news settle. Try and be open with each other about how you’re feeling. There’s sometimes a tendency to initially react out of a place of hurt feelings or guilt but you need to try to just be honest about your fears and emotions.
Similarly, Kay Duff, who has worked as a fertility counsellor for almost 15 years, warns that quality time between couples is often one of the first things to go when confronted with fertility issues:
What tends to suffer the most is the time for the relationship, the stress of it can take over a big chunk without couples realising it. It’s taken on so much of their time and attention and reflective space that it takes over it in that way.
To target this, Duff says, “It’s helpful to take stock and assess what’s going on. It’s a big deal. A lot of people try to just go through it like it’s not a big deal.” A central part of this, if they can afford it, is having an open conversation through counselling, says Bayoumi:
Counselling can provide a place where there’s no agenda. Friends and family mean well but they can push what they think you should do. There is a lot of guilt and unspoken emotions involved in infertility. Couples counselling can be a great safe space to deal with that.
However it is advised to attend a counsellor or psychotherapist who has experience in fertility issues, as your needs will differ, as Duff outlines:
A counsellor who knows the area of fertility would be very aware of the time and waiting element of fertility and that some things need to be left alone, whereas an ordinary counsellor would like to get into issues, with fertility it is sometimes too sensitive.
It may sound simple, but one of the most powerful ways to address the toll infertility has had is to make quality time for yourself, says Bayoumi:
Self-care is key to dealing with this huge extra pressure put on you. Try meditation and mindfulness, massages, walks, talking to a friend, cooking, whatever it is that helps you to relax and makes you feel good. I think you have to actively engage in self-care to look after yourself.
Duff extends this self-care to include managing expectations of yourself:
I often see people who are quite overwhelmed or their batteries have run down. They need to take it easier and consider taking time off work. It’s a hard process. If they’re aware of this, they can manage their expectations of themselves and give themselves a little space.
For example, Alison Reede, whose story we shared yesterday, found her stride in meditation and running:
I love my sleep and that was always so important. When that began to suffer, I started to use meditation for fertility from Zita West. I always enjoyed running so I kept my jogging up and that made a huge difference too.
It can certainly be difficult to discuss fertility issues with friends, family and colleagues, but there are two important things to remember with this. Firstly, Bayoumi reminds that you don’t need to weigh in their opinions if it is too much to take:
If you don’t want it to be an open discussion you should say that. Try to know what you want to say and what you need from people around you. Let them know how they can support you.
It can be worthwhile opening up to people if it will make things easier, says Duff:
I think you need to tell people where it’s going to support you. Nobody needs to know but for example if you need to tell your boss in order to go to appointments, it does tend to make things easier.
Something that both psychotherapists noted was the additional emotional strain that can come from the costs of treatment, especially for Duff:
It’s a very tough one. It’s fairly horrendous that we don’t have any free IVF, it will certainly add to your difficulty. It is quite overwhelming especially for couples who have quite normal jobs if they can’t go onto donor stage because they don’t have the money.
Bayoumi echoes this is especially difficult as the years go by:
It can be hugely difficult if you’re in debt knowing that it has to be paid back in future and possibly that you still won’t have a child.
As time goes by and with the right support however, many couples are able to find strength and rebuild their lives, with or without children.
What I would work with is managing the stress by doing self-care, building a support system and allowing yourself the space to feel angry, sad, under pressure, guilty, and in time to process some of the feelings of failure and deep grief in a counselling setting.
Let’s talk about fertility and plan ahead with Vhi Healthcare’s new range of fertility benefits. Vhi Healthcare’s fertility benefits are designed to help you at every stage of your journey, from initial investigations and advice, to counselling and fertility treatment including IVF. For more information, visit vhi.ie/fertility.
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