LAST NIGHT AT dinner, while my six year old was informing us that he would absolutely not be eating the dinner I had slaved over, but would have toast instead, I had an out of body experience.
As I floated over myself, observing me – a grown ass woman – pleading and cajoling with my child (“If you eat a bit of roast chicken and mashed potato I’ll get you toast then, okay?”) I knew something had to change.
I blame my parenting model for all of this. I have an overwhelming need to make sure that my children feel no pain, hurt or disappointment ever, and sometimes I think I may be doing them a disservice.
Clinical psychologist Dr Eddie Murphy is known for his behavioural work on RTÉ’s Operation Transformation. Crucially, he’s a dad to two boys himself, and is my first port of call for some advice.
Setting boundaries
Thankfully, Dr Murphy reassures me that I’m not ruining my kids’ lives with my soft parenting tactics. “You have to give yourself a bit of a break,” he says, recommending I start small with some new and healthy boundaries.
That “Okay?” I tend to use while cajoling gives my kids the power to argue the toss on every single thing I say to them. By finishing a sentence with a question I am including them in the decision-making process; giving them an option to decide not to clean up their toys, go to bed or do anything they don’t want to do, for that matter.
“Children like routine,” says Dr Murphy. “The most important thing that we can do for our children is to establish healthy limits.”
Fun vs firm
So is it a total no-no to ask my children their opinion along the way? There’s a balance, says Dr Murphy:
The challenge for parents is to hit the sweet spot between sensitivity and strictness. Sensitivity is our ability to be attuned to our children’s needs and strictness is our capacity to set boundaries.”
There are four archetypal parents, as Dr Murphy explains:
1. The indulger: This parent is super-sensitive but has no strictness, resulting in kids with poor motivation and potential behavioural difficulties at home and school.
2. The strict parent: A parent who is big on strictness, but is not sensitive to their child’s needs, will raise very well-disciplined children… with crushingly low self esteem and the potential for depression in later life.
3. The uninvolved parent: This parent is “neither strict nor sensitive,” says Dr Murphy. “As a result, children can grow up with no boundaries and can be quite anxious. Children need parents to be parents – not friends.”
4. The authoritative parent: This is the type of parent we should all aim to be. A parent who is both demanding and responsive raises self-assured children with healthy boundaries. Authoritative parents expect certain behaviors from their children but are also sensitive to their emotional needs.
As well as laying down boundaries, Dr Murphy suggests identifying situations that can fulfill a child’s emotional needs and strengthen their coping abilities, without overwhelming them.
“Sports is a wonderful way to do it,” he says.
I coach kids under eight and nine. Sports teach kids how to bounce back after losing. It makes them aware that they can’t win every time.
So is the idea of a perfect parent realistic? Not at all, says Dr Murphy. “We’re all human – but what we do know is that with rules, roles and responsibilities, children are more settled and are less anxious.”
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