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OUTSIDE I CAN hear gleeful whoops of delight as my toddler races up and down the lawn with his granny and granddad. It’s a nice sound, because it’s not just my son who is letting out peals of laughter, but also my own parents, who sound like they’re genuinely enjoying themselves. Or perhaps that’s just what my guilty conscience wants to hear…
My husband and I are one of a growing cohort of couples reliant on the crèche of granny and granddad to look after their offspring. It’s estimated that, in Ireland today, almost one-third of people aged 50+ provide care to a child or grandchild at least weekly. Their assistance is invaluable – without my parents, I simply could not work – but do we pay them? Do we heck.
Yet the awkward conversation about money is one that psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, founder of Solamh parent child relationship clinic, reckons we all need to be having from the get-go. “Don’t assume grandparents are happy to provide your childcare for free,” she says. “But also don’t offend them by assuming they do expect to be paid. Talk about it.”
At the very least she advises showing you value their contribution by dropping off groceries, vouchers or treating them to a weekend away once in a while. An approach my husband and I have adopted, but still feels like a drop in the ocean compared to what we would be forking out for professional care.
Even if payment isn’t an issue – hours still present a challenge. While a paid nanny is obliged to do certain hours (or risk being fired) an unpaid nana has no such obligation. As a freelance journalist, my work is erratic but I’ve learned to swerve jobs that come on a Tuesday and clash with granny’s pilates and grandpa’s golf. According to Peter Kavanagh, head of communications at Active Retirement Ireland, this is a wise lesson to learn. “I’ve heard people say they’ve had to cancel plans, not take part in activities or go on holidays because they’re needed for childcare. And it’s a huge concern to us that they might not be having the retirement they hoped for,” he reports.
Grandparents who feel obliged to take on full-time childcare don’t always fare well. In 2015, researchers at Trinity College found that providing high levels (over 60 hours per month) of childcare had a negative impact on grandparents’ mental health.
“We need to value retirement as an important stage of life. It’s an important time to discover yourself and make new friends. It shouldn’t be viewed as ‘idleness’,” adds Peter.
“As much as you might love your grandchildren, asking a retired person to go back to work, doing 40 unpaid hours or more a week… I can see why some people would get upset. Having an element of choice matters.”
At Age and Opportunity’s Changing Gears pre-retirement course, they cover the topic of saying ‘no’ to childcare demands. “It’s important that older people are able to take on the role of grandparent in the way they want and that that wish is respected,” says Anne Kearney, communications and marketing manager.
Happily, both she and Kavanagh agree that in the vast majority of cases, the set-up can, and does, work. Grandparents feel actively involved in their grandchildren’s lives – not the standoffish figure that their own grandparents might have represented to them. Most love spending time with their grandchildren, helping their own kids and contributing to the economy in this way.
But navigating the perks and pitfalls of the crèche of granny and grandpa doesn’t begin and end with keeping grandparents happy. As a parent, it can feel like a minefield when your own parenting practices deviate from how you were raised – and you brace yourself for the occasional ‘you turned out ok’/ ‘did I do such a terrible job’ battle.
Not too long ago I emerged from my office to find Granny and my two-year-old, elbow deep in pink Angel Delight. Never mind that dinner was looming, never mind that I try to steer him away from the most sugary, chemically engineered products known to man, NEVER MIND THAT SHE WOULD HAVE GONE CRAZY IF MY GRANNY HAD DONE THIS WITH ME AS A CHILD (*breathe*)
The other side of my brain was chanting ‘your child is happy’ ‘your child is cared for’ ‘you are getting to work without paying for childcare’, so I bit my tongue.
“Respect is important,” says Fortune. “Parents must respect the favour the grandparents are doing in providing this help, and grandparents must respect the child’s parents’ position and not undermine their parenting.”
Again, the important thing in the best interests of the child (and everyone’s sanity) is communication. “Be open and honest about boundaries. Childcare should complement not conflict with parenting style. Clear communication should ensure the children can’t play parents and grandparents off each other.”
I agree with this in general, but I also reckon there’s a time for holding your tongue and picking your battles – because, as tricky as the challenges are, the benefits are so much bigger.
The central one being that no-one else would love my son as much as his grandparents and provide this level of care – even if I could pay thousands of euro. Which makes those happy whoops outside pretty priceless to me.
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Everybody should ban/boycott the rag! Hillsborough was enough of a reason on its own
@Soccer T’s: Some people still believe in freedom of the press believe it or not.
@Soccer T’s: some of us still believe in the freedom of the press believe it or not.
@Charlie Hebdo:
the sun is not freedom of press it is rupert murdoch and the belief system. There is a huge difference between cutting edge analysis and insulting, lazy and vindictive journalism.
@Charlie Hebdo: and some of us believe in the truth
@ktsiwot: I am no fan of the Sun but I believe in freedom of the press for all news outlets, not just the ones I like or agree with.
@Charlie Hebdo: freedom of the press to insult and incite a whole community through disgusting narrow minded racist and elitist articles? Absolutely.
And in turn we should all exercise our right to boycott this sensationalist braindead rag of pure tripe.
Agreed?
@Charlie Hebdo: Did I say they should be closed down or anything like that? No I said that people/individuals should make the choice to boycott the rag. The more that boycott them the less viable their business model.
“Everybody should ban/boycott the rag! ”
Ban ≠ Boycott.
Reading comments here it appears “everyone” already boycotts it and have done for years.
@Charlie Hebdo: You’re looking for drama where there is none. If I had said that the paper should be shut down, you would have a valid point but I’m afraid you will have to find your drama elsewhere today. People/ organisations being encouraged to ban/boycott is not censorship!!
@Charlie Hebdo: I don’t think “everyone” comments on the journal but I may be wrong.
@Charlie Hebdo: Using “Freedom of the Press” as a means of defending The Sun is an insult to real journalists who risk their lives or livelihoods to report the truth. This guy was a glorified troll looking to insult and degrade people for the sake of it.
If you can’t see the difference you are an utter fool.
@Soccer T’s: You probably are wrong as you’ve been wrong in all your other commentary, there’s a pattern emerging.
@Charlie Hebdo: Aha maybe the trend is your lack of understanding/education. Nice try!
@Ricky Spanish: should the right of freedom of the press only apply to outlets you like or agree with?
“insult to real journalists who risk their lives or livelihoods to report the truth”
FYI very few journalists risk their lives anymore, case in point thejournal.ie
“insult to real journalists who risk their lives or livelihoods to report the truth”
Any journalist working for the Sun would meet your criteria just by being in Liverpool, Ricky.
@Charlie Hebdo: And Charlie was responsible for the deaths of so many innocents including his own workers and I am sure in the KKK.English Defence League HQ MacKenzie is a true patriot.
@Charlie Hebdo: they can print what they want. I also have the freedom to not buy or read the rag. Well done everton.
@Charlie Hebdo: I think you’re wilfully missing the point in order to soap-box. No one’s calling for The Sun to be banned. Simply Everton FC are availing of their own right to reply and offering a rebuttal. That they, a private company, are choosing not to engage with another private company whose practices they fundamentally disagree with, is hardly tantamount to shutting down the press.
@Charlie Hebdo: Some of the most thought provoking and enlightening journalism comes from points of view I disagree with. This article was neither of those things. What exactly has this guy added to the public discourse with this article? It’s trash and people have every right to voice their criticism without being accused of harming the freedom of the Press.
@Fergal O’ Reilly: ” No one’s calling for The Sun to be banned” . . . The OP called for it to be banned and that is what my original comment was responding to. also Everton have banned the newspaper.
@Charlie Hebdo: Believe it or not, some people don’t want gutter journalism.
@Charlie Hebdo: Maybe you struggle with basic language but if you would like to re-read my original comment you will find that I did not call for the Sun to be banned. I said that people and organisations should make that decision. If I had said that “the sun should be closed down or banned” you would have a very valid point but it’s obvious that you are just grandstanding for the sake of it.
@Charlie Hebdo:
Wow charlie, you really are going all out to defend the sun. How on Earth did you find yourself in such an unenviable position. The sun paper is in no way being censored or discouraged from printing its tripe, EFC have simply decided that they don’t want the suns product on their private property. Like a children’s food store might choose not to sell rat poison on their shelves. But all of this has already been explained to you, but you seem unwilling or unable to process sensible explanations or arguments. You seem dogged in your defence of one of the most disgusting papers ever to go to print. Are you proud of yourself? Is anyone proud of you?
@Peedur Dante: To be fair to him he’s defending freedom of the press rather than the Sun specifically
@Soccer T’s:
And I’m pointing out to him that the freedom of the press is not being attacked here. This is a different matter all together. He is confusedly arguing that EFC’s actions towards the sun constitutes an attack on the free press. This is not the case, and if he felt so passionately about the freedom of press why not comment on an article about vladimir putin rather then defend the sun so vigorously.
@Soccer T’s: Labour Party and Tory party should be treated like sc€m for this and the other covers ups.
Don’t have anything against British people but their government are consistently awful.
How you can trust a government to do good abroad when they even have such disdain for their own people.
The double standards in the press here w.r.t British parties is galling.
@Soccer T’s: best selling paper in England and the sun is printed in Knowsley in Liverpool so as to boycotting it not all Liverpool is so you all wasting your time just get over yourself and move on , great paper buy it everyday.
@Brian OConnor:
If you buy the sun everyday and consider it a great paper, all I can do is pity you.
Good news. Horrible publication and an even more horrible man.
Everton fans don’t buy that rag, as it insulted their family members. The Mail, Express any rag of a paper owned by Rubert Murdoch.
@Ossi Fritsche: the family that use to own the mail owned Everton for many many years.
How anyone still buys that rag defies belief..
@SteveW: Low IQ, so low in fact that they can’t even use a smartphone.
28 years late is better than never. They should have shown solidarity with Liverpool over their articles on Hillsborough
@Alan Lawlor: Huh? What you talking about? Everton have never shown anything but solidarity with Liverpool.
@Alan Lawlor: ya… because everton hasn’t shown enough support over the years. .. wind your neck in lad
@Alan Lawlor: Alan Liverpool only banned the Sun 2 months ago so Everton should get no criticism here.
@Alan Lawlor: still going on about that.
@Alan Lawlor: A bit of an ill informed comment. Everton football club and supporters have ALWAYS shown solidarity with LFC in the fight for justice for the 96 fans that died at Hillsborough.
https://youtu.be/Nmzu29eRhMU
@Alan Lawlor: and stupidest comment of the week goes to…..You.
@Alan Lawlor: Troll.
Haven’t read that rag in years. The article was published to upset Liverpudlians on the eve of the anniversary of the Hillsborough tragedy and does not surprise me one little bit. The editor should be fired for publishing it and the author should be shot for….just being himself.
The Sun is only one of two publications that I’ve actually wiped my ar$e with.
@Muiris O’Daltuin: My sympathies to your butthole. It’ll never be the same again.
@Muiris O’Daltuin: better not download the app then.
@J.D. Finnerty: It was no Andrex quilts, thats for sure. Cheap paper for cheap words.
I thought the sun was a great news paper. Both it and the Daily mail are often only a euro. Which is a quarter the price of smoke pellets for testing newly installed stoves. I honestly used to buy them for that until I realised I was supporting them by buying it, so now I pay more for another news paper just to burn.
@Bilbo Baggins: you are a modern day Joan of Arc.
Great news rag of a ‘paper’
What I don’t understand is why The Sun is still going, when everybody claims to not buy it.
The Sun like all of Rupert Murdoch’s publications and TV outlets are pure dirt.
Says a lot about the eNglish, when this is their most popular paper.
300k a year for a colume! I’m in the wrong line of business. No wonder he’s on holiday
I automatically assume that anyone who gathers their information from outlets like the sun, daily mail, etc. are buffoons whose opinion should be ignored at all costs.
Their 99% rags most of them but that sc$m is on another level
This sets a very dangerous precedent and creates a chilling effect for all sports journalists. Restricting the free press is dangerous.
@Charlie Hebdo: demanding the press reports the truth seems reasonable
@Charlie Hebdo: what he wrote was nothing got to do with sports journalism. Allowing these views are more dangerous. We have a right to free press alright but not the opinion and ramblings of a spiteful hateful person.
@Joe Travers: in other words Joe you just disagree/dislike his views and want them suppressed, freedom of the press should apply to all news outlets not just the ones you like or agree with.
@Charlie Hebdo: dangerous precedent my ar$e. You’re still living in the 70s are ya when journalists actually reported News rather than deliberately incite hatred, persecute and vilify persons of their own choosing and sensationalise tragic stories.
In fact small gestures like this might actually prompt editors to be more responsible in their reporting.
Unlikely though.
@Charlie Hebdo: Err just to educate you, Kelvin Mc Kenzie the author of the offending article, is not a sports journalist.It must be dizzy up on your high horse.
It may be a loathsome publication but I think a complete ban on it or its employees sets a dangerous precedent. Sanitised news/reporting only results in dumbed down information.
Everton ban the sun from its stadium…it’s going to a dull aul place without any sun!!
Jesus what a stupid pc world we live in,so what the sun said something bad about someone what’s new, ppl these days need to grow up and grow a pair
The paper is a rag, it must be said, and that phrase, “Any publicity is good publicity.”, makes me think they won’t care one bit about all this, and might actually be secretly delighted their paper is in the news.
A comic of a newspaper….actually that’s not fair on comics…a pure gutter rag…
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