I HAVE NEVER been the shouting type. In an argument with my husband, I might talk him to death, but it would take quite a lot to get me fired up enough to really raise my voice.
And then I became a parent of two extremely active toddlers whose reaction to their first winter in Ireland was to climb everything, always.
They mixed that with other typical toddler behaviour, like throwing whole bowls of Cheerios with milk (that’s the 18-month-old’s protest of choice) or refusing naps only to whine for hours instead (the three-year-old’s trick du jour).
It’s hard to admit, but, understandably, I found my patience wearing thin, resorting to raising my voice (or just plain shouting) at my tiny indoor gymnasts.
Losing your patience with kids is not graceful or admirable, but it’s at the very least normal when you’re in the thick of raising children. There aren’t many out there who’ll test your limits the way your own kids do.
I am making an effort to build my tolerance, though. Some studies show that shouting at kids is is counterproductive, and that it could serve to create greater discipline problems later in life. Recalling that nugget of information in moments of high tension usually motivates me to come up with a different solution.
Beyond that, I’ve turned to other parents for advice. Here’s what they told me…
1. Don’t react just because your child does
Jude, dad to a three-year-old, has taken to the parenting books for extra wisdom when it comes to finding reserves of patience and reports that his biggest takeaway is admitting his weakness first. “I’ve learned I am not patient and that I don’t need to react when [my daughter] does,” says Jude.
2. Avoid your own outbursts by picking a set response
Buy yourself a few extra seconds (and some extra patience too) by turning to a set phrase first. “When my daughter responds with ‘No, not doing that’ it immediately triggers my shout reflex. I have trained myself to stop and say, ‘It’s okay that you’re upset.’ That gives me time to think of a healthier approach for both of us.”
3. Stop expecting 100% obedience all the time
Adjusting our own expectations of our kids can help extend our levels of patience when they’re acting up. Cara, mum to a toddler explains: “When I feel myself getting shouty and frustrated, I let go and accept she probably won’t do what I want so I should adjust my expectations pronto. I don’t stop my directions, but I do change the way I say it.”
4. Find a tool to calm yourself down quickly
Taylor has two children under two, and keeps essential oils handy to help calm herself during heated moments, “I rub them them behind my ears or cup a few drops in my hand and take a deep breath.” If oils aren’t your thing, familiarise yourself with some simple breathing exercises like the 4-7-8 technique.
5. Just step away from the situation, literally
Putting physical distance between yourself and your kid is a helpful measure when you feel yourself fraying. Veteran mum Sally-Anne practiced herself into self-discipline in the early years with her children, now ten and twelve. “I had to really teach myself to walk away and take a minute.” Mum Sydney agrees: “My own mother always recommended I set the baby down when my patience was wearing thin.”
6. Tell your child what you need their co-operation for, and why
Keeping your kids in the loop can encourage them to stay on your side. Thomasina, mum to a three-year-old, says, “Before we start a task, I tell her what’s going on and what we need to do. She even now says to her dad, ‘You need to work with us, Dadda, we need to get ready.’” Empowering kids to be part of the solution is always a step in the right direction.
7. If in doubt, make the whole thing a game
Paula, a parent of one playschooler, takes the Mary Poppins approach to a challenging task. “Parents often lose patience putting kids’ coats and shoes on so I try to make a game of it with [my daughter] so she eventually learns to do the dressing by herself.” That’s a double whammy of parenting help — keeping everyone cool and getting out the door faster.
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