IT’S THE MOST wonderful time of the year but also a time filled with potential stress and strife, particularly for couples.
In the run-up to Christmas, there may be arguments brewing about where to spend the holiday, who to invite to Christmas dinner, and anxiety over the potential for sensitive issues to be brought up during festive get-togethers.
David Kavanagh is a well-known relationship counsellor and systemic family therapist.
Speaking to The Journal, he said he works with couples, children, families, and individuals dealing with “all sorts of challenges like bereavement, addictions, stress-related problems, the whole gamut”.
Christmas at mine or yours?
Kavanagh was asked if he had any advice for couples who are torn on where to spend Christmas, in scenarios where one person really wants to be at their family home, while the other is adamant Christmas should be spent at theirs.
“One of the fundamental skills that distinguishes couples who are successful, from couples who just can’t make it work, is the ability to compromise,” said Kavanagh.
Kavanagh is of the opinion that if a long-term couple trusts one another, “then there’s no reason why he, for example, can’t spend Christmas Day with his nuclear family so to speak, and she spends Christmas day with her nuclear family, if that’s what they choose to do”.
“We don’t always have to spend Christmas Day or Christmas Eve or whatever it is, with our husband or wife or long term partner. We have the ability as adults to spend time with whoever we want. We can take turns, we can go to his parents this year, and her parents next year.
“Or we can divide up the holiday so we spend Christmas Eve and St Stephens’s day with his family and Christmas day with her family. There’s a range of things we can do. It’s about being flexible. It’s about compromise.”
Kavanagh then adds that “people who do marriage or long-term relationships really well” are those who don’t “suffer from rigidity” and “go with the flow”.
“The struggle for power in relationships can be challenging, where both parties are struggling with rigid thinking. So unless you’re in laws are terrible people and you really can’t stand being in their company because of things they’re going to say or do, then is it all that important that you insist that you have the same family tradition this year as you had last year?”
“If it means so much to your partner that they do their family tradition, why not just let them do that? Often in relationships where there’s a struggle for power, they both make themselves miserable, rather than make one of them happy. So they go for a lose-lose result, rather than a win-lose.”
“So the husband, for example, goes to the wife’s family for Christmas, but he’s miserable. He’s sulking and not really been playing board games. He’s on his phone the whole time. He’s now making her Christmas miserable, even though physically he’s present.
“What was the point in going, you were better off just staying with your own family, rather than bringing your misery to her family. Just give a little you’ll get a lot more back in return.”
However, Kavanagh adds that the wider family also have to respect these individual reasons.
“With new couples and new married couples, there’s all that confusion around where do you go for the first Christmas and tradition might say you go to one family first.
“The wider family have to make allowances for where people choose to spend their Christmas, it’s not that big a deal and it’s only it’s only as big a deal as people make it for themselves.”
“I think Irish parents have a great ability to shame with language and shame with huffing and puffing and to shame the people for their decisions, which I think is sad. I don’t think we should do that, we should just take it that people have the ability to make decisions for themselves and that’s your choice.”
“Life is quite short. You need to make the most of what we have. So why cause stress and arguments for other people because they choose to do something that they know is going to make them happy.
“More and more parents and grandparents are realising that traditions are what we make them out to be. They don’t have to be things that society enforces upon us.”
Meeting the in-laws
Kavanagh also advises that good communication is key when an introverted partner is facing the prospect of meeting a whole new family for the first time.
“I’ve had a situation where I’ve gone to a girlfriend’s dinner on Christmas Day and there were around 15 people standing up and getting served a buffet.
“That was completely weird for me because I come from a family of four, so I was overwhelmed and I didn’t know what to do or who to speak to, I was completely out of my depth. So it’s important in those situations that your partner, if that’s you, is supportive and takes you aside and just checks in with you because it can be overwhelming.
“We always think that our version of family is the normal version of family. And it’s not until you’ve had a couple of playdates when you’re a child that you realise, ‘wait, these people do family completely differently than we do family’.
“That can be revisited then when you go on a Christmas excursion with your in-laws, and it’s very overwhelming for some people, especially if they don’t have a huge amount of confidence and they’re in a group of loud chatty people.
“Unless that’s communicated in advance and unless there’s support there, from the person whose family the introvert is visiting, it can be very stressful and can put a huge strain on the relationship. That’s where a little bit of sensitivity from the extroverted person to the introverted person goes a long way and can make a big difference.”
Kavanagh also recommends using “safe words or expressions” to let others know when they feel overwhelmed.
“Some coaches recommended people use safe words or safe expressions to get that message across to their partner, ‘I’m not happy here, we need to just go and get some fresh air’.
“At the same time, there is no point in being angry afterwards with your partner for the fact that you felt uncomfortable if you haven’t communicated to them your discomfort, that’s just not fair.
“So I think that’s where a lot of people get themselves into trouble as couples. They feel angry or upset, but don’t do anything about it in the moment it’s happening. They just take it out on their partners after the event has happened and that’s not useful either.
“Because what was your partner supposed to do if you hadn’t communicated that there was discomfort there? Sometimes Irish people tend to grin and bear it and then be angry with their husband or wife on the way home in the car. That’s not okay, that’s unfair.”
Kavanagh also recommends being careful around alcohol consumption if you’re an extrovert with a “sensitive” introverted partner.
“If you’re an extrovert and you’re having a few drinks in your family house and there’s a sing-song, you’re not going to really be able to tune into the discomfort that your sensitive, introverted partner is going to be experiencing.
“And because alcohol has been consumed, you’re probably not going to be very receptive of your partner.”
Prepare for potential conflict
Kavanagh has also advised people to steel themselves for awkward encounters with family they only meet over Christmas, if they anticipate there will be strife.
“So if you know there’s going to be an uncle, for example, who will be coming and they’re probably going to try and stir things up and say something that’s going to be nasty, I think it’s important to know in advance it’s going to happen.
“Don’t be surprised that he or she said that very same thing you knew they were going to say, be ready for it. Answering back in a light hearted, slightly friendly but slightly dismissive way is probably the best approach without getting stuck into defending yourself.
“If you’re granny or your uncle has a problem with the fact that you’re still single after five years of your marriage ending or whatever, that’s their problem. We don’t have to justify the fact that we haven’t found somebody, we can just be within ourselves and be confident.
“But we can respond in a light hearted way that doesn’t inflame the situation or make things worse. Having a level head and knowing it’s coming, and then just being assertive back in but in a friendly way is probably the best strategy that I can think of.”
But what if this hypothetical uncle starts saying things we deeply disagree with?
“If somebody comes to my Christmas party and starts telling me that Donald Trump is the best thing that ever happened to America, and I disagree vehemently with that; am I really going to change that person’s opinion on Christmas Eve or St Stephen’s night if I start having an argument about how bad I think Donald Trump was for America and for the world.
“I’m probably not going to change anything. All I’m going to do is give air to somebody who wants to blow on hot air and give extra spark to a fire that doesn’t need to be lit.
“I can let somebody talk about whatever their opinion is, and I don’t have to agree with them, and I can just appease them because I don’t need to have an argument. If I need to have an argument then I’m going to choose to counteract what the person is saying, but I don’t need to do that Christmas night.
“As adults, we have that capacity to choose one approach versus a different approach. So why would you start an argument with somebody when you don’t need to have an argument.”
Christmas Dinner stress
The relationship therapist also offered tips for keeping calm while overseeing several pots and saucepans while making Christmas dinner.
“Asking for help is very important, if help is available. If you’re trying to manage four different saucepans at the same time, and you have two or three teenage kids floating around, ask them to help.
“There’s no reason why families can’t cook Christmas dinner. I don’t like the idea that one person has to do everything, it’s unfair and puts the person who’s responsible under a huge amount of stress.
“I would prefer if adults chose to delegate out various different parts of the cooking experience if they know that their partners are competent to do that. And let’s face it, anyone can watch a saucepan.
“I don’t know what professional chefs do to cope with the stress but I think it’s whatever you have found in the past that works for you. Whether it’s mindfulness, or just literally like lighting a candle for 60 seconds in a dark room and just breathing for yourself to cope.
“I mean 60 seconds is not a huge amount of time. We often think we don’t have it but if stuff is in the oven and the saucepan is on the boil, we can take 60 seconds for ourselves just to re-center and to refocus.
“That’s really important because otherwise, the dinner happens, the cooking happens, and you’re not even present for it because you’re just trying to get it over and done with which makes really unenjoyable.”
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