ON MY FIRST summer holiday after I started to work full-time I went on an exotic and very expensive holiday to the Caribbean. Instead of relaxing, though, I spent every day of it avoiding the pool area for fear of being judged by “the beautiful people” who would no doubt be there.
It was only on the very last day when I braved the pool that I realised “the beautiful people” were sunburnt Europeans just like me — there to enjoy themselves and not to look down their noses at little old me!
I made myself far too important in THEIR story, much to my regret.
I reached half a century this year and realised once I got to middle age that what other people think of me really isn’t any of my business… I just wish I had come to that realisation when I was much younger and didn’t waste so much time worrying about what everybody else’s opinion of me was.
According to a poll carried out by The Journal in June of this year, 47.2% of respondents said they planned to go abroad on holiday this summer, while another 30% said they planned to go abroad on holiday after the summer months.
Only 8% said they would holiday in Ireland this year and 13% said they would not take a holiday this year at all, so even taking the rising cost of living into account, it’s safe to say the vast majority of us will have some kind of break away from our homes this summer.
Whether that’s to the Costa Del Courtown or the Costa Del Sol…we are packing our bags and getting away from it all this summer.
We work hard to save for holidays. According to a survey carried out in 2023 by Wise, Irish people spend on average €2,800 on summer holidays, with 50% of us dipping into savings to go abroad.
So, with all that hard work and sacrifice just for a summer holiday…why then do so many of us fall into that miserable trap of stressing about what our fellow holidaymakers will think of our swimsuit-clad bodies on those sunny sandy beaches?
Swimsuit anxiety is very real and has been fairly comprehensively researched over the years. A study in 2016 by Planet Fitness for example of 1000 Americans found that 33% of respondents would “rather go to the dentist than wear a swimsuit” while 46% of respondents said they did not feel confident in a swimsuit… but here is the interesting part…76% of respondents said they are more critical of their own appearance in a swimsuit than that of others.
So, we can deduce that any time we venture out to the beach or the pool, in our swimsuit of choice…the vast majority of others there, will be far too busy critiquing their own appearance to be noticing ours. And the small minority who are inclined to judge… do we really have to care what they think? Is it really that important?
Body image anxiety is a symptom of low self-worth, and one of the worst habits those with low self-worth find hard to kick is playing the comparison game. It is of course a game you can never win because success, beauty and personal wealth are subjective.
Comparison tends to feed our inner critic. That is when it really starts to get its claws into our mental health.
If you are inclined to be anxious about how others perceive you, whether it’s body image or something else, there are a few tried and tested cognitive shifters that might help…
Self-esteem inventory:
Write a list of everything you like about how you look, who you are, what you have achieved, tough things you have gotten yourself through, times when you helped someone and times when someone complimented you.
Anti-bullying inventory:
This one can be tough to do, but very effective. Spend some time writing down a list of common self-criticisms, things you have rarely or never heard from anyone else but commonly think about yourself. Take a good look at that list and ask yourself if these are things you would find yourself saying to a good friend, or your child… if the answer is no… you are most likely bullying yourself… stop doing that, it’s never ever going to achieve any positive results.
Self-acceptance:
One of my favourite quotes is from the “father” of person-centred psychotherapy, Carl Rogers, “It is only when I accept myself as I am, that I can change”. Maybe the most important journey you need to go on this summer is the journey to self-acceptance? We are all a very unique, amazingly complex combination of flesh, blood, bone, muscle, thoughts, feelings, behaviours and experiences – maybe that should be celebrated. Rather than worrying about what everybody else thinks of one tiny dimension of who we are?
I want to spend a little bit of time looking at the kind of people who are inclined to judge and criticise others, whether they have been asked for their opinion or not. We don’t really scrutinise those people enough!
Judgemental people, just like those of us who fear their judgement, usually have their own version of low self-worth, they have gotten into a habit of judging others somewhere along the line with the subconscious belief that it will improve their own poor self-perception.
Indeed, the only people I have ever met who are inclined to pass remarks on someone’s appearance are usually people who have very deep-seated issues with their own appearance and lack the self-awareness to realise what they are doing, unfortunately.
Psychology Today has covered this issue in several very well-written pieces in the last few years, including “The Dark Side of Self-esteem” by David Hanscom MD in 2020 and
“Why do we judge other people?” by Dana Harron Psy.D. in 2021.
Research from the Journal of Behavioural and Experimental Economics in 2015 also suggests that the happier someone is, the less judgemental they will be. Is it really any of our business what someone other than ourselves may think of us, what we look like, in the tiny glimpse of us they see while we are relaxing on holiday?
It’s like asking someone to accurately describe a whole book based on reading one sentence of it… it’s probably not going to be very accurate or nuanced, so I wonder if we place far too much importance on other people’s opinions of us in general?
If you or someone you know would like to talk to a professional therapist, make sure they are qualified and accredited. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy at www.iacp.ie has a searchable register of qualified, accredited, and experienced counsellors and psychotherapists nationwide.
Maxine Walsh is an IACP Accredited Counsellor, couples coach, and Psychotherapist based in Tallaght, Dublin, Ireland.
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