We need your help now
Support from readers like you keeps The Journal open.
You are visiting us because we have something you value. Independent, unbiased news that tells the truth. Advertising revenue goes some way to support our mission, but this year it has not been enough.
If you've seen value in our reporting, please contribute what you can, so we can continue to produce accurate and meaningful journalism. For everyone who needs it.
Sign in. It’s quick, free and it’s up to you.
An account is an optional way to support the work we do. Find out more.
By continuing, you are indicating that you accept our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy.
WHEN I FIRST dislocated my knee caps I was on a 105 bus service coming home from a shopping trip with my fellow 15-year-old pals.
We had dropped all the coinage we had on bits and pieces from Claire’s and Penney’s, and a Starbucks frappuccino drink that somehow cost a fiver. We were high off whatever the hell they put in a frappuccino and we were headed home. Life was good. Or so I thought.
Before I knew it I was lying on the sticky floor of the bus, where no human had ever dared venture before.
My Penney’s bits were scattered down the aisle as the other passengers pretended there was something incredibly interesting out the window, and my friends looked like how I felt – mortified.
My left leg wouldn’t move and when I looked down it looked like it was on backwards, like a Barbie doll at the hands of a ruthless toddler.
I don’t remember much of the journey back home. The bus made every single one of its stops as passengers hopped over me and winced as they thought to themselves: “where is that girl’s kneecap?”. They winced again, even harder, when they realised it was behind me.
After what felt like the longest bus journey ever (the 109a bus to Kells included!), I saw ambulance lights through blurry eyes, then nothing…then a hospital ward. I woke up thinking: “Jesus, what do they put in those frappuccinos?”
Toxic relationship
That was the beginning of the most toxic relationship of my twenties, me and my kneecaps. From then on they kept trying to leave me, but they always came crawling back. Well, metaphorically speaking of course.
These knees don’t let me do anything other than walk slowly and carefully. Doctors have had different opinions about my knees over the years. They’re quite the controversial pair – a bit like Jedward.
Medical professionals couldn’t figure out what the story was with them, but they were also somewhat intrigued. With each dislocation came a new theory. Maybe I would grow out of it, or I just needed a bit of exercise, or maybe it’s a hormonal issue, somehow… Just women’s issues, eh?
I’ve still tried to live my best life. I cut knee holes in all my jeans so I could still wear them. I go to concerts (I enjoy them from the back though. I can’t risk getting swept up in a mosh pit screaming: “PLEASE BE CAREFUL OF MY KNEES!”…again).
My boyfriend drives me to my physio appointment every two weeks. It’s beneficial for my knees but really it’s an excuse for us to try a new coffee shop and sing Harry Styles songs all the way there and back.
Stand-up comedy
I still perform stand-up comedy at pubs and venues across the country nearly every night of the week.
Stand-up comedy has been my life for a long time now. And before you burst a vein trying to come up with a stand-up, sit-down knee joke, let me save you the trouble – I’ve heard them all. The worst was when someone, before a gig, told me to “Break a leg! Or a knee!” Seriously.
Stand-up is my oldest friend, my diary, my therapist. I could be standing on stage with a room full of people, my knees barely holding my body weight. But as soon as I get that first laugh, that first ripple of chuckles and cackles reverberating back at me, I might as well be floating.
Moments before I went in for surgery I got a gig offer and part of me, well I’ll be honest, every inch of me, wanted to run out of the hospital, ring a taxi and be on stage within the hour.
After my surgery I still performed: I had to. I was limping onto the stage. I’d toss the crutches into my boyfriend’s car so no one would be any the wiser, and wait in the wings so it would be the shortest walk possible to the mic.
The worst is still when you have to weave through the crowd to get there – the amount of twisting and turning involved, I’d probably be safer crowd surfing up to the mic.
For the longest time I hid my issue from my audiences. I just let them believe I was an average girl with perfectly normal kneecaps.
Sometimes I find myself slipping (physically, of course); that’s always a risk with dodgy knees. But also in my own head.
I find myself wishing I could drive a car, or be in the middle of the mosh pit, or just not cry every time I get an x-ray. That’s when I stop and I write. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes not so much, but it always helps. And I can do it sitting down which is always a bonus.
By writing this show, I’ve been able to reclaim my experience the best way I know how. Ever since that first dislocation I’ve laughed more about it than I’ve cried.
I laughed when I couldn’t get oat milk from the hospital trolley (even when I offered the extra 30 cents); I laughed at the nurse offering me a picture of my x-ray for my Instagram; and I laughed when they drew a big red arrow on my skin before surgery with a note that read: “THIS KNEE PLEASE”.
That’s why I’ve written Ashes to Ashmore, because the jokes, the humour, much like my knees, kept popping out. And I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
Ashes to Ashmore premieres at the The Workman’s Club (The Vintage Room) as part of Dublin Fringe Festival 2022, September 12 – 22.
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
FF now showing concern about the health system is enough to give thousands heart attacks. When did this new concern for people in hospital start?. For 20 years, they have focused on jobs for the boys and giving contracts in the health sector to friends companies, often to ones that were set up especially to get the contract.
Is it any wonder our health system is a vastly wasteful and over managed one.
HSE says it’ll have a €500m overspend, and is already 50% of the way there by May 31. Howlin is living in an alternative reality if he thinks it’ll come in on target.
it says 500 billion on this…free private jets for everyone in the hse???
A great way to save money is not to deliver treatment or surgery people need. Since the NTPF was scrapped & replaced with the SDU (Special Delivery Unit) thousands upon thousands of very sick people have been abandoned by the HSE & left in limbo. The reason they were being treated under the NTPF scheme was because they had been waiting exorbitant lengths of time for surgery in public hospitals. Then it was scrapped & they went back onto public waiting lists. I was due to have neurosurgery just before it was scrapped & was transferred back to Beaumont hospital as a so called ‘urgent’ case. A year later I finally get to see a neurosurgeon (2 weeks ago) who confirmed i need surgery but as they are running way over capacity they can only handle emergency cases. I have to wait until I am seriously ill before they can operate (being unable to walk or function is not serious enough!) They will NOT put me on a waiting list as then I can apply to have it done in Europe so I’m left in no mans land. What’s even more disgusting is that if I had health insurance I soul be over the surgery by now and probably back in work. But I had to give it up as I was too sick to work & could afford it!!!!
So if the HSE fails to come in on budget will Reilly lose a gold star or will his salary be docked for failing to do his job?
Wheres it coming from the bag of jumping beans??
This government are cowards the same as the last they won’t do what needs to be done
Scrap the CPA ,while protecting the low earners ie those below 40k ,we have hospital consultants earning 3times what they do on Germany .The top man in the HSE earns 400k more than OBAMA and MERKEL put together
We have 500 staff in HR in the HSE another 600 in the dept of health discussing policy
We could protect the nurses and doctors the people we need and get rid of half the pen pushers,but that takes guts,guts to take on the unions and scrap Croke park but this government is gutless except when it came to easy decisions were people were not unionised such as attacking the unmarried mothers or the disability allowance
Predictive text…..’if I had health insurance I would be over surgery’….and I had to give it up because I couldn’t afford it!!
The health system is a poison chalice for whoever is there. If we had an endless amount off cash we would still have a weak system. doc and nurses are doin fantastic work all over the country considering the pressure they are under
If anyone i care about that is sick and suffers even more at the hands of this little piglet then he better mind where he walks he is not a man he is a weasel..they let there sick suffer elderly die and young and disabled fight for basic human rights Howlin is not a real person he is a sick minded weasel no wonder he chewed he’s way to the top he is surrounded by other vermon that gnaw at the heart and soul of this country and the good people who live here ..he is not Irish and he’s not a man he gave his nuts away along time ago just like his country id rather struggle than be like them.. my parents would be sickened if i turned out like him and his vermon..looking at them makes me feel better about myself…
HSE needs to spend money to retain basic services. Who cares if they miss these ‘targets’… We must invest in our services in order to grow our economy. These targets can be disregarded because the real culprits (Banks) should suffer any cuts. We have a deficit of 1000% of GDP because of bailing our ponzi Banks. Let the bondholders burn.
Unfortunately most of the bond holders have been paid off at this stage Rob. Even the unsecured senior bond holders I believe €1 billion was paid over to some of the last bond holders last week. That money could have gone to the health service now it money gone for good never to be recovered. Strange priorities in need in Leinster House.
They could also save a few million a year if they stopped fluoridating the water supply and made parents responsible for their childrens oral health. It all adds up.
sorry. . “allowed parents to be responsible” for their childrens oral health.
*deed
Use precise geolocation data. Actively scan device characteristics for identification. Store and/or access information on a device. Personalised advertising and content, advertising and content measurement, audience research and services development.
These cookies are necessary for the website to function and cannot be switched off in our systems. They are usually only set in response to actions made by you which amount to a request for services, such as setting your privacy preferences, logging in or filling in forms. You can set your browser to block or alert you about these cookies, but some parts of the site will not then work.
These cookies may be set through our site by our advertising partners. They may be used by those companies to build a profile of your interests and show you relevant adverts on other sites. They do not store directly personal information, but are based on uniquely identifying your browser and internet device. If you do not allow these cookies, you will experience less targeted advertising.
These cookies enable the website to provide enhanced functionality and personalisation. They may be set by us or by third party providers whose services we have added to our pages. If you do not allow these cookies then these services may not function properly.
These cookies allow us to count visits and traffic sources so we can measure and improve the performance of our site. They help us to know which pages are the most and least popular and see how visitors move around the site. All information these cookies collect is aggregated and therefore anonymous. If you do not allow these cookies we will not be able to monitor our performance.
Cookies, device or similar online identifiers (e.g. login-based identifiers, randomly assigned identifiers, network based identifiers) together with other information (e.g. browser type and information, language, screen size, supported technologies etc.) can be stored or read on your device to recognise it each time it connects to an app or to a website, for one or several of the purposes presented here.
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times an ad is presented to you).
Information about your activity on this service (such as forms you submit, content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (for example, information from your previous activity on this service and other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (that might include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present advertising that appears more relevant based on your possible interests by this and other entities.
Advertising presented to you on this service can be based on your advertising profiles, which can reflect your activity on this service or other websites or apps (like the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects.
Information about your activity on this service (for instance, forms you submit, non-advertising content you look at) can be stored and combined with other information about you (such as your previous activity on this service or other websites or apps) or similar users. This is then used to build or improve a profile about you (which might for example include possible interests and personal aspects). Your profile can be used (also later) to present content that appears more relevant based on your possible interests, such as by adapting the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find content that matches your interests.
Content presented to you on this service can be based on your content personalisation profiles, which can reflect your activity on this or other services (for instance, the forms you submit, content you look at), possible interests and personal aspects. This can for example be used to adapt the order in which content is shown to you, so that it is even easier for you to find (non-advertising) content that matches your interests.
Information regarding which advertising is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine how well an advert has worked for you or other users and whether the goals of the advertising were reached. For instance, whether you saw an ad, whether you clicked on it, whether it led you to buy a product or visit a website, etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of advertising campaigns.
Information regarding which content is presented to you and how you interact with it can be used to determine whether the (non-advertising) content e.g. reached its intended audience and matched your interests. For instance, whether you read an article, watch a video, listen to a podcast or look at a product description, how long you spent on this service and the web pages you visit etc. This is very helpful to understand the relevance of (non-advertising) content that is shown to you.
Reports can be generated based on the combination of data sets (like user profiles, statistics, market research, analytics data) regarding your interactions and those of other users with advertising or (non-advertising) content to identify common characteristics (for instance, to determine which target audiences are more receptive to an ad campaign or to certain contents).
Information about your activity on this service, such as your interaction with ads or content, can be very helpful to improve products and services and to build new products and services based on user interactions, the type of audience, etc. This specific purpose does not include the development or improvement of user profiles and identifiers.
Content presented to you on this service can be based on limited data, such as the website or app you are using, your non-precise location, your device type, or which content you are (or have been) interacting with (for example, to limit the number of times a video or an article is presented to you).
With your acceptance, your precise location (within a radius of less than 500 metres) may be used in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
With your acceptance, certain characteristics specific to your device might be requested and used to distinguish it from other devices (such as the installed fonts or plugins, the resolution of your screen) in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
Your data can be used to monitor for and prevent unusual and possibly fraudulent activity (for example, regarding advertising, ad clicks by bots), and ensure systems and processes work properly and securely. It can also be used to correct any problems you, the publisher or the advertiser may encounter in the delivery of content and ads and in your interaction with them.
Certain information (like an IP address or device capabilities) is used to ensure the technical compatibility of the content or advertising, and to facilitate the transmission of the content or ad to your device.
Information about your activity on this service may be matched and combined with other information relating to you and originating from various sources (for instance your activity on a separate online service, your use of a loyalty card in-store, or your answers to a survey), in support of the purposes explained in this notice.
In support of the purposes explained in this notice, your device might be considered as likely linked to other devices that belong to you or your household (for instance because you are logged in to the same service on both your phone and your computer, or because you may use the same Internet connection on both devices).
Your device might be distinguished from other devices based on information it automatically sends when accessing the Internet (for instance, the IP address of your Internet connection or the type of browser you are using) in support of the purposes exposed in this notice.
The choices you make regarding the purposes and entities listed in this notice are saved and made available to those entities in the form of digital signals (such as a string of characters). This is necessary in order to enable both this service and those entities to respect such choices.
have your say