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2018 WAS THE year that I got control of my social anxiety and I got into improv.
The two events were related.
Social anxiety is too clinical a phrase – it sounds like a rash you get a cream for but what social anxiety really is – is people-terror.
It’s the feeling that you’re about to be found out, but not knowing your crime; that you’re always under exam; of exhaustion from preparing to fight an enemy that never arrives.
I’ve failed job interviews, turned down opportunities and ruined relationships because of anxiety.
But, while knowing that I shouldn’t allow anxiety to control my life and despite having the support of loving family and friends, and the kind of stability that should have given me all the confidence in the world, I couldn’t stop doing it on my own.
Getting better
My path to getting better began in late 2017.
After a new job failed to make me happy, I decided to go to therapy for the first time. I ended up doing CBT.
CBT stands for Cut the Bullshit Therapy, otherwise known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
You speak to someone who is open and attentive and at first just listens to you, sort of like a good friend (except this person is being paid by the hour and so you don’t feel guilty about it) but then asks you to cut the bullshit and challenges you to notice and change your behaviour.
Some of it is unpleasant – spending an hour thinking about the things you’ve built your personality around avoiding is just as horrible as it sounds. But, as I began to apply her strategies and saw the improvements in my life, I began to look forward to every session.
If someone reading this suffers from anxiety, I encourage you to try CBT. I can’t promise that it will work for you. It takes a long time and often isn’t fun but I can say that it worked for me. It changed my life.
Out of my comfort zone
CBT gave me the confidence to get out of my comfort zone. I took a short improv course at the Crescent Arts Centre and in February 2018 I decided to take Paul Mone’s class at the Belfast Accidental Theatre.
In the very first improv class, he laid out some basic rules: Everything that happens on stage is a gift and so you should accept whatever is on the stage, he said.
These are antithetical to an anxious person, whose default is to look at a situation and think about how it can go wrong. If it has already gone wrong, to think how it could become a catastrophe.
Another golden rule of improv is to trust yourself - which is something I found very difficult. I have a long memory of every mistake I have ever made and amnesia about my strengths.
In some ways, anxiety is the fear of making mistakes; in improv, mistakes are not only inevitable but frequent and even beneficial.
Poor social focus
One of the problems with social anxiety, with looking at what you are doing wrong, with constantly reviewing your performance in social situations, and questioning every decision you make, is that you are always focusing on yourself and you don’t pay enough attention to other people.
Your attempt, to be as good as you can be at being social, backfires.
You are at a party and you are so worried about picking up someone’s name that you fail to listen to their story. You’re so intent on listening to their story that you forget to respond to it with an anecdote of your own.
You try to focus on what someone is saying, but all you can hear is the voice in your head giving your actions a one-star review. You drop eye contact so that you can pay attention to your thoughts. You feel like a little social worm, gnawing at the canopies and reflexively tearing up the beer label, in order to take your mind away from the moment.
Consider, in contrast, the social butterfly who of course is at the same party.
The butterfly is wandering around flapping her graceful wings. Her proboscis is slurping up Kopparberg drinks (for the sugar) at an alarming rate. She has antennae that are brushing against the ceiling.
She isn’t perfect by any means, but she never considers how she looks to others, while she is floating around the room, pollinating conversation with anecdotes and careful listening.
The social butterfly can easily pay attention to the other guests because she isn’t distracting herself by reviewing her own performance.
Going on stage
Improv is about training yourself to cope with the unexpected, by being aware of what is happening and then reacting. Or, as the slogan goes, “Yes, and ….”
I finished that first term of classes with a show in front of an audience of strangers.
Before the show, I got terrible nausea. I started to fill with gas and to burp rapidly. My heart rate exploded. I was sure I was about to throw up.
Once I got on stage, I felt fine.
Since then, I’ve done maybe a dozen shows or more. I’ve never had the same pre-show nerves.
I find myself less nervous in improv because there is so much else to pay attention to:
What is my partner doing? How do I respond to what she has just said? How does this fit into the rest of the scene?
And I realised, just as good improv is always about collaborating with your partner, good socialising isn’t about you being interesting so much as it is about everyone involved attending to each other.
So now, in real life, I try to apply the techniques of improv.
Recently, my sister got married and I was not looking forward to the after-party: a whole day of being social with strangers, of doing the work of being friendly. But it went much better than I thought possible. Whenever I got lost in a conversation, I didn’t look inward and attack myself – I knew that was a distraction.
Instead, I re-focused on what the other person was saying. It was a tiring day, but I enjoyed it. I wasn’t the social butterfly at the party, but neither was I the worm.
Necessary at this stage
The time to move was two weeks ago
@Mel Fitzpatrick: where did you do your medical training Mel? Did you specialize in the control of global pandemics?
@Mel Fitzpatrick: Do tell, are you as qualified as the good Dr? If you were in control with all the facts at your hands, would you have waited until now or do you have the same gut instinct as Trump?
@Mel Fitzpatrick: I’m going to side with the experts on this one and not urself. Hats off to all involved, from the Dail to the front line worker’s. “Ni neart go cur le cheile”.
@Mel Fitzpatrick: EXACTLY
@Mel Fitzpatrick: Thanks Mel thats a very useful comment
@Emma Dobbyn: being a medical expert is trumped by being an economics adviser.
@Peter McGlynn: ireland Inc.
@Mel Fitzpatrick: if there was work in the bed Mel I’d say you would sleep on the floor, typical shinners comment
@Peter McGlynn: Peter why are you always against main stream opinions? Do you have the inside scoop on how to fix the Covid 19 nobody knows, I for you need to have a job to pay my bills in “Ireland inc” as you call it! Unfortunately for the government to pay for the social welfare in this country they need tax payers not just tax spongers
@Tim Otoole: Social or corporate?
@Daniel Kelly: both!!
@Emma Dobbyn: Have you got a medical qualification to state otherwise?
@Mel Fitzpatrick: Great to see we have people who are on the journal who know more than the experts. The amount of armchair medics is staggering.
@Emma Dobbyn: watch yourself here Emma. Lots of medical experts around these parts
@The Exhibition Guy – Stephan Murtagh: what degree does harris have. Talk about being brain washed. Any fool could have told you that this was too late. Letting 3000 Italian fans here was idiotic. But yeah, why not blame the bystander that had the right to criticise.
@Mel Fitzpatrick: Well said, Mel. In fact, when they cancelled the Ireland v Italy game, was the time to stop flights from Italy, and commence lockdown. Friends it Italy cannot understand why we waited so long.
@Mel Fitzpatrick: Ah good old Mel.Can you also send me next week euro millions numbers? Only I live in the real world and the money trees don’t seem to be bearing fruit.
@Emma Dobbyn: do you think all decisions were taken purely on a medical basis? All over the country people were worried about the people coming back from Cheltenham, if it was obvious to them it should have been obvious to experts. That’s of course assuming all decisions were taken on a, welfare of the people stance. It can even be brought back to the Ireland Italy game, and the fact the Italian fans still came over then. What was the expert medical advice then from the control of global paramedics committee.
@The Exhibition Guy – Stephan Murtagh: what global pandemic experts are you referring too. This is of course assuming that all the experts contributing to the decisions made, came from a medical background. It’s a bit early in the day to start clapping people on the back when we don’t even know where this will end. When was it too soon to act.
@Emma Dobbyn: as much as the good doctor has experience of working on building sites ! Seen his press conference he stuttering and advising it was possible for social distance whilst working on building sites . That was the greatest load of bo##ks I’ve ever heard .
This contagion stays alive on surfaces form hours to days depending on the surface . Public transport was a mass spreader , the doctor was wrong just a mouthpiece for Leo .
This disease knows no boundary’s it’s unpredictable and you should never try predict the unpredictable , you do the unpredictable and the shut down has come too late and the contagion well out of control & watch the number of fatality increase daily ,the old in care homes , the sick , the homeless & the underprivileged . Leo and co have failed and failed us
@Emma Dobbyn: Bull…you dont need to be an expert to see the obvious. This is clearly economics over the people who have and will die during the pandemic. The evidence from Italy was there for all to see.
@Eugene Foley: all the early cases were from Irish people returning from Italy. As for Cheltenham the irish people going to and from. The government doesn’t have the power to stop stupid
I gave Simon Harris my Number two in the last election. I imagine he got a transfer off me. People were not happy when Wicklow returned him but maybe that tune is changing.
@Modern Irish Dad: Speaking of maybe’s. Maybe he should have closed the airport’s and ports straight away after the first case reached our Island? Maybe this would have contained the spread in Ireland?
@Mark Edwards: so who do you think is the right person for the job then?
@Modern Irish Dad: I know lots of people who would do a better job than him. He’s been a complete disaster. Seriously you can’t remember several votes on no confidence in him? You can’t remember the cervical check or over run on the children’s hospital to name a few? This is typical Irishness. This could be a great country but people like SH waste so much with their foolishness.
@Modern Irish Dad: not a time for points scoring. In my opinion he didn’t deserve to be re-elected but he’s still there now and handling this crisis as well as could be expected.
@Mark Edwards: Mr Edwards you are correct. Yet he has shown some decorum in the last number of days.
@Aidan: I’m sorry if you thought I was trying to point score. I suppose my declaration of my number 2 vote was rather bold. But I was only trying to make the point that he appears to be doing a good job in regards to the ongoing pandemic. And that people from Wicklow took a lot of slack for putting him back in. He needed a lot of redistributed votes to get over the line.
@Modern Irish Dad: All he’s doing is acting on the expert medical advice he is given. He then relays that to us and we act accordingly (or most of us do). Great. He can parrot information. Doesn’t mean he or his party should be forgiven for the absolute mess they have made of our health services over the past 8-10yrs.
@Tommy Roche: this is what I don’t understand then. If he is acting on behalf of the experts advice why are so many people giving out about the government only going into lockdown now?
@Modern Irish Dad: Thanks for sharing that MID ??????
@Modern Irish Dad: They have failed us on so many fronts & it’s not up for debate.The reacted to late for a pandemic virus that knows no boundary’s , that’s unpredictable and now we pay with death . And that’s the bottom line . They failed us they didn’t lead from the front the way leaders do and make big decisions . They made late deceisions that will cost large numbers of our people passing on , and this should not be forgotten . Leo & Simon and Doctor Tony failed us the Irish people as whole .
I want to see the back of this Goverment after this and put a government in that actually works for the people.
@Modern Irish Dad: Why????????
@Seosamh Snr Nolan: Mr Nolan in your opinion then do you believe they are not following a plan that has been discussed with scientific experts from all around the world? Do you think they are that bad?
@Pauline Fedigan: why did I give him my number 2?
@Frank Mc Caffery: Hello Frank, not sure I understand what you’re trying to say. Not being rude or anything I just don’t get what mid?????? is. This may be my own fault as I find it hard to keep up with text talk.
@Seosamh Snr Nolan: not sure many in Turkey would agree with some of the points made in this article.
@Modern Irish Dad: Also don’t forget it is a country that people may be fearful of a beheading if they break curfew. Not saying it would happen but it may be on people’s mind. So it’s not just solidarity that might be at play.
@Modern Irish Dad: though I am sure it is solidarity too.
@Aidan: after all simple Simon did get re-elected…after the 15th count!!! Only in Ireland.
@Mark Edwards: and what would those isish doctors and nurses coming home to help with do, swim from Canada and Australia?
The irish government have followed the medical advice every step on this journey yet you know better?
@Tommy Roche: or he could do what trump and Boris done and ignored the advice.
@Modern Irish Dad: Saudi Arabia is the most progressive country in the world at this current time ! You can’t comment if it’s only the media you rely on !
@Seosamh Snr Nolan: I think it’s sad it had to end this way Mr Nolan I was enjoying our back and forward but we are just miles apart now that no good will come from us continuing our conversation. I hope you stay safe and I wish you well.
Well done Leo ye are doing a great job and I’m not a Fine Gael man these are huge decisions that ye have been making ,
At the start of this people were worried about the few bob they were losing on a holiday and some of them went to northern Italy looking back wasn’t it pathetic,
All these health care workers doctors and nurses coming home to go to war with a killer wow ,
Talk about pride in your country I salute ye ,
Health care workers when this is over need their wages doubled true heroes ,
Where are all these celebrities in hiding , perspective these people are the role models our kids should be following
Regards
@Paddy Dunne: what was more pathetic was government allowing flights back from Northern Italy without bothering to take any measures for those coming in.
@Toon Army: If only you were running the country I’m sure things would be just great.
@Toon Army: agreed that was a mistake but I’d be more furious with the people from Italy who came over how many people have they consigned to the grave , I would not like to have that on my conscience, also the parents who allowed their kids to go skiing to northern Italy , knowing that people were dying out there and bringing it home earlier than it should have , they will have to live with these decisions, government can only do so much people have to make decisions too we are not sheep
@Ricky Spanish: would it be worse? You can wait a few weeks to answer. When the death toll will be clearer.
@Paddy Dunne: Hardly
@Paddy Dunne: whoever called us a nation of thick Paddys was right. Unbelievable.
Stay safe and virtual hugs to everyone…its now we have to be there for each other
@Damien: give Damien more green thumbs lads, that gave me a laugh
Well why was people not tested as the head of WHO SAID TEST TEST TEST I HAVE FRIENDS AFTER 5 DAYS WAITING FOR TESTS ?
@Alison Corcoran: what?
@Alison Corcoran: WHAT
@Alison Corcoran: what are you talking about? We are testing 4,500 people per day. They changed they criteria because they were getting poor results actually beyond poor 6% positive. That means 94% of people tested didn’t need to be tested.
@Alison Corcoran: who is giving thumbs up to this
@Alison Corcoran: When ranting, punctuation is your friend. Unless you particularly want to appear to be demented…
@johnny onion eye: I miss the old way where you could thumbs down a comment.
@Alison Corcoran: STOP SHOUTING!!!
@Jason Pierce: The Who want extensive testing to map the clusters. They know there’ll loads of negatives, they’ve been very clear about it.
@Jason Pierce: they might have been waiting so long they no longer had it
@Cormac Laffan: I saw them in the Marquee in 2007, some gig
@Alison Corcoran: you should be on dublin live. You make journal.ie posters look good !!
@Crocodylus Pontifex: Oops, the WHO. Obviously there’s no negative results with The Who.
STAY AT HOME !!!!! Even the joggers and cyclists STAY AT HOME YE MUPPETS.!!!!!!
@Stan Kowalskis: cycling is basically banned. I guarantee you we will still see them out and about the place.
@Mark Walsh: what if you cycle to work?
@Da Vid: are you employed in an essential role????
@Mark Walsh: no it’s not
@Mark Walsh: cycling is not banned Mark
@Mark Walsh: can both of you not read basic english ? It is perfectly fine to go out and exercise within 2km of your home – but hey don’t let that stop ya having a good whinge – stay safe everyone – but consider maybe taking a break from social media if all ya wana do is have a moan and whinge about who or what you don’t like in the world
@Dave Hammond: Unless yr cycling to essential work wtf is the point of cycling within 2km of yr home?
It was time 3/4 weeks ago to stop Italian travel
It was time 2 weeks ago to stop Cheltenham travel or very least enforce and fine or not followed self isolation for returning travellers
It was time 2 months ago to ban Chinese Iranian and Korean travel
@Sk19: hear hear!
@Sk19: would you stop harping on about Italy Cheltenham. This was rampant in China, they covered up official figures, poor Italy first open country to deal with it, genie out of bottle at that stage. It was probably already in Ireland in Jan as patient zero in UK thinks he got it then from a ski trip in Austria. NZ are trying a lock down strategy but wolf is outside door and doors and windows are boarded up. You still gotta go outside. Buying time for a vaccine is best hope else 2 years of lock down release lock down cycles while ICU turns over new victims :-(
I’m moving to skellig Michael nó. Kountz allowed
@Frank Discussion: Offshore island visits banned. Are you a good swimmer?
Speaking to friends who are frontline in hospitals in Dublin and Cork please please stay home. They are working so hard under extremely difficult conditions. Yes the Government could have moved much more quickly as they knew since Dec but didn’t so we just have to deal with it and do our best. Doctors and nurses are risking their lives for us so the least we can do is simply do as they are asking us to do and STAY HOME
Can anyone tell me is having asthma considered to put you in the group of vulnerable persons
@Keith k: yes it is a lung issue
@Keith k: yes
@Keith k: severe asthma is on the list of people who should cocoon
@Keith k: it depends if you have mild asthma or not. Best to phone your GP
Tony Holohan doing a fantastic job.
@Katherine: you mean the guy implicated in the cervical cancer and children’s hospital overrun scandals? Should have been sacked years ago. #nointegrity #nocredibility
Right call.
Were is the list ??????
@Karllye kripton: not being published untill the morning or so I am told
@Modern Irish Dad: Should be out NOW… People going to work tomorrow, unsure whether they should be or not. Crazy really!!
@Willie Murphy: How right you are. gov.ie will put it up in the morning what time exactly, I am not sure.
Can anyone tell me why orthopaedic implant manufacturing is deemed essential? Surely no ortho implant surgery’s are taking place anywhere at the mo? And most likely after this, with the downturn in the economy will not be top of any priority list??
I wonder how many big companies will consider themselves “essential”. Was talking to a friend a couple hours ago, and he was spitting tacks because he works in a hanger in Shannon and they are staying open because the higher ups have determined that they are an “essential” service even though there is no aircraft in there fit to fly for at least a few weeks
@Joe_X: supply chain. The key is in the second word, chain. Lots of essential businesses to keep society and hospitals going. Not just the obvious
@Nioe: I understand that, but it has to be useful link in the chain. In my friend’s case, if I understood him correctly, most of the airlines have parked many of their planes, except the likes of DHL freighters etc. He said the planes where he is would not be in a position to fly for a couple of weeks and the owners have planes parked up that they can use sooner if they needed, so his company is not actually a useful link in the chain. A taxi driver would be a useful link if taking a doctor to the hospital where he works. The taxi driver’s mechanic would then be a useful link as he keeps the car going if needed. But if the mechanic said that the parts for the taxi would not be there for a few days, he is no longer a useful link, unless working on another car that provides a useful link.
@Joe_X: So if that was to happen, the mechanic should stay at home and not work on say the local ice cream man’s van. A lot of big companies might try staying open under the “essential” banner, but if really looked at, are not essential and are really trying to minimize losses.
@Joe_X: Need to fix airplanes for step down. For example deflate tyres. GOOGLE it.
@David Glynn: what are u on about?
And the airports STILL open
@Frank Flanagan: absolute joke
If we had any border control we would be in a better position
Who is enforcing the isolation of returning travellers
The people working in shops on the minimum wage are considered an essential service. These people also deserve a lot more pay if they survive this pandemic.
Kbc bank opened as a essential service. Haha the only customers in, are bored people checking their balance.
Maybe the time for these moves was before italian fans came in their hundreds to Dublin and gombeens in their thousands went to Cheltenham.
I hope these experts are right and do not make a bad situation worse
My mother was in extreme pain for 2 years until she got her hips replaced. If people have to wait 6 months longer in her condition after the dust settles when this is over then yeah I’d say its essential.
Only in Ireland. This guy should have gone after the #cervicalcancerscandal.
Would anyone know, I live in Donabate but my nearest Aldi/Tesco is in swords which is further than the 2km we’re allowed travel, does that mean I can’t go to those shops now?
@Suzanne Bell: The 2km limit applies to people leaving their home for exercise. You are allowed go out to shop for food.
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