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'My dad was a violent alcoholic. I vowed to make my daughter's childhood better than mine.'

My father drank to forget the worst years of his life – his childhood – and at the same time destroyed mine.

MY FIRST MEMORY is of a bee stinging me on the arm. I was around two years of age. My second memory is of viewing a house, picking out my bedroom. My third memory I’m in the back of a removal van. Unbeknownst to me back then, the second of three memories would be repeated often over the years.

My dad was an alcoholic. A violent alcoholic. He was washing away the worst years of his life, his childhood, at the same time he was destroying mine. I’ve seen my dad beat my mother. I’ve hid my head under my pillow at night, trying to block out the noise and the arguments while crying. I can still hear the tell-tale sign that he was trashing the house and laying into my long-suffering mother. I feared my dad, though we did have good times when he was sober.

A hard childhood

By the time I was eight my dad stopped beating my mother but he would still beat us kids. This was the first time I wanted to kill myself. We were often left alone during the day. We had a long list of chores. My brothers had no interest in cleaning so it was down to me – as they went off and played, I turned into Cinderella.

As I picked up the frying pan to wash it, I put it back down and looked out at my brothers playing through the window, I picked up the knife and lifted my T-shirt, I pressed the sharp poking into the soft part between my ribs. I couldn’t even break the skin, it hurt so much. I want to die back then, I really did. The thought occurred to me often through my childhood but I was too scared to go through with it.

At that point, I was living in my fifth house and going to my second primary school. By age 10 I was in my seventh house and third primary school. I began contemplating running away but it never materialised, though I would often dream up scenarios. I also dreamed up scenarios where I died, and how to end my life.

By 11-and-a-half while I was in 5th class in my fourth primary school we moved into our tenth house. This house was remote and the nearest primary school was too far away to walk too. My dad never drove us to school – even when we walked five miles in the morning to school and five miles, back at age eight – so I never went to school again. My days were spent cleaning, cooking, gardening and watching TV. I used to get my older brother’s maths book out to learn maths; I loved maths and was good at school.

Dad struggled with the addiction

Dad tried to give up the alcohol when I was 12. But he started taking codeine linctus instead. He was a much better person while he was taking the codeine, however because he needed it he couldn’t go back to the same chemist so us kids became his source for the codeine. He would drive all over the county sending us into each chemist to ask for the stuff. I hated it I really did. The pharmacist would ask questions and we had to say our granny had a bad cough and it was the only thing she could take.

After months he was back on the booze, he would get my oldest brother to get the alcohol from the off-licence, even though he was underage. He had a word with the owner and said it was for him. He didn’t like people knowing he was an alcoholic. He only ever drank at home, never in a pub as it was a big secret. Sherry and Linden Village. The sherry was the worst – after two bottles he was happy but when he hit the third bottle we would hide as he became aggressive, argumentative and violent.

Most times he would drink and drive, so he could get another bottle of sherry, us kids would go with him for a pound, we could get a 100 penny sweets, which was luxury. He crashed a couple of times while drunk, knocking over a telephone box and once my brother was in the car and it suffered a side impact. He left the scene and my brother’s face had glass shards in it.

He could have three bottles a night, seven nights a week, starting around 3 o’clock. My dad never worked as such, he liked cars so would fix mates’ cars, often keeping us up till the early hours holding lights and fetching stuff. He also did FAS jobs, a week on and a week off. He once got a job as a caretaker of a school, but us kids used to have to clean the school with him.

I had to stop going to school

We moved to house number eleven when I was 14. This was our third different county and our second county to have lived in. He chose a place near where my mother and I could get work (not him or my brother). So from age 14 I worked. I hated moving house, I knew no one my own age, all the women workers were older, but during the holidays a few kids a bit older began working there. I couldn’t get on with them, I was socially awkward, had low self-esteem. Eventually I made friends in the local town, but they weren’t real friends, as I was to find out later.

My dad gave up the drink, again turning to codeine. Again I became a drug supplier. I did have good times with my dad, but the bad times outweigh the good. Things happened when I was 15 and I eventually decided to end it. I swallowed back a lot of pills. I was hoping to fall asleep like they did on TV, but no. While in the ambulance to hospital I vomited and it just got worse. I spent three days in ICU, drifting in and out of consciousness.

I went to see a psychologist but lied throughout. She put it all down to me lacking social skills due to not going to school. At 16 I left home because I got a job a good few miles away. I took in my brother when my dad kicked him out for protecting mom during an argument. He came to me with two black eyes and a broken nose.

I vowed to make my daughter’s life better than mine

Until I met my husband I was happy to die, I had no desire to live. Yet because I made a promise to my old boss never to do it again, I didn’t. I’m a bit old school where it comes to honouring one promise, but it didn’t stop me from taking risks hoping I would die.

When I had my first child I had something to live for. I felt love and felt loved. For the first time I felt loved, this little face smiling up at me. I vowed to make her life better than mine. I devoted my life to her. I didn’t get drunk, I would have a drink or two or sometimes I would just stick to minerals. My real friends accepted this, others thought I was odd. When my partner moved in he did so under the condition he would never get drunk and come home. He would stay at his mate house as he often did anyway. I wasn’t putting my child through what I went through.

When I was 24 I finally forgave my father. I realised he had worse childhood than I did. His parents were evil. He drank to cope. He was a stereotypical abused child. His parents never loved him and he did everything to get their love and affection. They didn’t even acknowledge his death at 54.

Live the life you want to live

Yes my childhood was bad, yes I am scarred, but somehow I pulled through. The person I am today would have been somewhat different if I had a different upbringing. I will never get my childhood back, but I get to live it again through my kids. Doing the things I never got to do, having the things I never had, going places I never got to go.

It’s hard to get to where I am now. It took me a long time. I had major issues with low self-esteem because I felt unequal due to having no education. But I went back and did the Leaving Cert Applied and got a pass with distinction.

Life is what you make it: don’t focus on the negatives, don’t make the same mistakes your parents made. Live the life you want to live.

The author wishes to remain anonymous.

Helplines:

  • Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
  • Console  1800 247 247 (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement)
  • Aware 1890 303 302 (depression, anxiety)
  • Pieta House 01 601 0000 or email mary@pieta.ie - (suicide, self-harm)
  • Teen-Line Ireland 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 19)
  • Childline 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)
  • Women’s Aid national freephone helpline 1800341900 10am – 10pm, 7 days a week.

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    Mute Bearsass Hairyarse
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    Jun 13th 2015, 8:39 PM

    I’m wiping the tears from my face as I type this and I’m not ashmed to say so. Your story touched me on so many levels! You’ve come through so much and come across through your story as a wonderfully caring human being but even more so a wonderful parent! I don’t know you but you humble me!

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    Mute Paul Roche
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:23 PM

    And the award for overdramatisation in an Internet comment goes to…

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    Mute Joanne Joyce
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    Jun 13th 2015, 9:25 PM

    Wow. In the face of adversity you have shown immence bravery and resilience. Thank you for sharing a chapter of your life. I wish you and your family all the best for the future.

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    Mute Fisics
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    Jun 13th 2015, 8:43 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. As a dad of two little ones, it hurts my heart to think that there are children today experiencing what you went through. Best of luck to you and your family.

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    Mute Mjhint
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    Jun 13th 2015, 8:43 PM

    Fantastic piece that lots of children in Ireland can relate to unfortunately but I must give the person that wrote it credit for her bravery. Your bravery is incredible.

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 13th 2015, 9:33 PM

    I can relate to this in so many ways my father was an alcoholic . I would go to school most mornings like a zombie because I would be up all night listening to him screaming like a mad man and I wouldn’t dare try to go downstairs or I would get it too . whenever there was a family occasion he destroyed it . he too had a terrible childhood and I do think this was to blame for most of it . he controlled everything sometimes right down to when I could speak . for a few months every year he went off the drink and they are the good times I try to remember . he died in his forties and after a while we were able to start living life . I wish the author the very best in life .

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    Mute Dell
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    Jun 13th 2015, 10:14 PM

    Sorry to hear that suzie and I also admire and respect both you and the author.. I also relate, Periods of extreme violence which were only broken by periods of extreme neglect which led to me being referred to a church representative who then abused me. I had a very good person for a mother who would try to protect us as much as she could but it just wasn’t possible and in the end any one of us would have preferred we get the abuse she took often when protecting us. She died when I was in my early 20s and my father still lives. I have made peace with him and have learned to separate the person he was and the person he now is.

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 13th 2015, 10:28 PM

    thank you Dell , I can’t imagine what you’ve been through . full respect to you for being able to make peace with your father . I still have never told anybody about what happened in our home because I just couldn’t talk like this out loud . I hope you’re doing well , Dell

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    Mute Dell
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    Jun 13th 2015, 10:50 PM

    I am, I have a good life with two great kids who are now adults themselves. I think my family were fortunate to have had the mother we did. You, the author and I and thousands of others have no reason to be ashamed. We may not agree on somethings but I think you should be proud of yourself for getting through what you did and building your own life. Whether you decide to speak about it out loud or not should depend on whether you feel it will help and should be done when you are ready to. It’s not an easy thing to do. I did get counselling and I found it helpful but incredibly difficult at times.

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 13th 2015, 11:10 PM

    I’m glad to hear you are doing well and you’re right nobody should feel ashamed , it’s hard when you come from a family where everything was brushed under the carpet . I’m glad life turned out well for you in the end and thank you for your kind words .

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    Mute Alan Ryan
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    Jun 13th 2015, 8:54 PM

    your child is blessed to have a parent like you.What a journey you have been on, hope the wind is behind your back for the rest of it.

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    Mute Ally O'Rourke
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    Jun 13th 2015, 8:52 PM

    Thanks for writing this piece. I think many people reading it will relate. Good luck with the rest of your life, may all your days from now on be happier ones, you deserve that much.

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    Mute Sarrah29
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    Jun 13th 2015, 10:43 PM

    Unfortunatley I can relate to all this too, so much from the authors post hits home with me, the trips to various chemists after they all stopped selling codeine products to my parents (which was unfortunate because unlike alcohol it subdued my father and we had some peace) I still hate the smell of sherry or buckfast it triggers such bad memories. I usually went to school on about four hours sleep. I somehow scraped a basic Leaving Cert but the one thing that drove me was that I never wanted to be like my father – a lazy sponger who barely worked a day in his life. I worked my backside off in my 20s and have a relatively good job now. I now have children and in a way I get to re create the childhood I never had from basic things like 3 meals a day and a warm cozy bed to days filled with happiness – my own childhood & adolescent years were filled with fear worry, lies & secrets. But more than anything the thing that fills my heart with pride the most is how much my kids adore their Dad he really is a wonderful man and the fact that their childhood is so far removed from my own makes me so happy. The sadness I feel for what I went through in childhood is outweighed by the pride I feel that I am the absolute opposite of my father, he didnt succeed in destroying me. Like the other 2 fathers mentioned here also died young, in his 50s. Small loss.

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 13th 2015, 11:30 PM

    Sarah , I hear you because of what happened in our childhood we try and make sure its the complete opposite to ours . we try make happy memories for the kids and do all the things with them that we never got or had . it used to bother my father because he was never able to break me so instead I was allowed to speak . its interesting how codeine has been mentioned because I used to have a lot of anger inside of me over what he did and took it a while too . glad to hear you got through it sarrah .

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    Mute Sarrah29
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:12 AM

    Exactly, its just getting to experience what a carefree childhood is like. I remember being in friends houses and I would be so envious their normal, ordinary homelife. A warm house and no worry. I had anger in my 20s for what I had gone through but in my 30s now I think I realise how lucky I am that I didn’t descend down the same route. The other posters mention forgiving their father, this would not be me, I have nothing but hatred for the man, in his final years he was weak and feeble but I had no sympathy for him, in my opinion he was pure evil, a looser who got his kicks from bullying and terrorising his children. Good to see you stayed strong too Suzy, guess we are proof that what dosn’t kill you makes you stronger!

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:14 AM

    * I wasn’t allowed to speak *

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    Mute Sarrah29
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:24 AM

    Lol Suzie not being allowed to speak was a feature of my upbringing too, had to listen while he ranted, raved and preached at me working himself up into a temper. I’d talk for Ireland now though! :)

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:30 AM

    that’s it Sarrah , alcohol to some people is the devil and my father was the devil when he was drinking , I don’t really feel anything for him . I try to think more about the man he was when he was off it , but you’re right it does make you stronger !

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 14th 2015, 12:34 AM

    lol sarrah I’m the same myself , you’re not alone on that one !

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    Mute Kerry Blake
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    Jun 13th 2015, 9:35 PM

    Thank you for that I hope when you are old and grey you can sit back and think well I have children I can be proud of. Well done you!

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    Mute Brendan Tannam
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    Jun 14th 2015, 2:22 AM

    Oh gosh! I was 17 when I decided life wasn’t worth living. I swallowed everything the doctors had prescribed for me over the previous year or two. There was no such thing as over-prescribing those days so I had dozens of tablets available for an overdose. I went at it with a will during a black episode where everything seemed hopeless. I have come to think that people don’t try to end their lives because things are lousy. I think it’s because they think things are hopeless – in other words, because things are not going to change.

    I couldn’t conceive at the time how much life does change and how often. And I never could conceive how much I would change over time either. To anyone thinking that it’s all over, I say use every ounce of patience you can muster and wait for the clouds to move on. They will.

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    Mute Ron Noco
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    Jun 13th 2015, 11:30 PM

    Makes me sad, thankfully I didn’t have that childhood but a neighbouring child did and what’s worse she grew up and married an an alcoholic and is going through a difficult time herself, she’s an intelligent educated woman but she still made a bad choice, is it a common thing for people who had tough childhoods to marry into bad relationships? :-(

    I

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    Mute Martha Mullins
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    Jun 13th 2015, 11:14 PM

    You are amazing. An inspiration.

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    Mute chinaski
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    Jun 13th 2015, 9:22 PM

    grim.

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    Mute Livia Ellis
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    Jun 14th 2015, 6:22 PM

    This is the problem with Ireland. We all know this father, these kids and this family. No one wants to get involved. We all work so hard to mind our own business that children are ruthlessly advised when a call to the guards would rescue then from hell.

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    Mute joey 83
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    Jun 13th 2015, 11:08 PM

    September 24 2015

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    Mute Nicola Lawless
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    Jun 14th 2015, 1:15 AM

    ok. I’ll bite. what about it?

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    Mute Suzie Sunsine
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    Jun 14th 2015, 2:12 AM

    an asteroid is meant to hit earth on that day .

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    Mute Órla O'Connor
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    Jun 14th 2015, 1:38 AM

    24 September is my birthday. .I hope it’s nothing to worry about! !.

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    Mute NFSN
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    Jun 15th 2015, 2:45 PM

    For people living with issues of substance misuse help and support are available through the National Family Support Network. For more information please visit http://www.fsn.ie

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