WHAT DOES IT mean to be a man in 2024? We can probably all remember the version of a man passed down to us from our fathers’ time, much of it grounded in physical strength, silence and a burying of emotions. Boys don’t cry, etc.
Now, we tell ourselves we live in a time where anything goes, anyone can be who they want to be. We live in a modern country with same-sex marriage, we know what manscaping is, we’ve heard about metrosexuals, all of it. So, why is it in this seemingly new world are men still struggling with their mental health (the statistics bear that out) and with addictions like gambling and alcoholism? We may see ourselves as modern, but perhaps we aren’t quite sure where we belong after emerging from the repressed time of our fathers.
There’s also the worrying increase in gender-based violence, which not only reflects deep-seated societal issues but is spurred on by toxic masculinity. That term, a relatively new one, encompasses a flawed and outdated version of men. It still very much exists in some quarters and there are those finding comfort in the clutches of right-wing influencers online.
Men themselves have a wider role to play in the dismantling of those outdated beliefs that perpetuate harmful behaviour against women. Since the #MeToo movement, the hope at least is that the old structures of traditional masculinity — the era of the ‘hardman’ — could become a thing of the past as a new wave of men seeks out opportunities for more meaningful support of one another.
But there are small glimmers of change here in Ireland. Not all, but some men are moving away from the locker room banter and shallow bar stool misogynistic conversations. There is at least an understanding in 2024 of the destructive nature of toxic masculinity and the need for decent men to call it out. The old identities and the understanding of what it is to be a man need to change.
Of course, nothing will change unless someone tries to bring change about, and part of that is coming in the form of healing circles, where men gather in forests and sit together, talking openly about their shared struggles. They are supporting one another turning their backs on toxic masculinity and harnessing the therapeutic transformative power of openness regarding their mental and emotional health.
Men’s circles, men’s retreats, breath work, forest walks and men’s groups are popping up across Ireland. And while there are those who will always co-opt a noble idea for their own purposes, I should be clear to note that I am not talking about the masculinity or men’s movement espoused by the likes of Jordan B Peterson or Andrew Tate. This is about open and honest dialogue for men that is grounded in respect for women.
The research on the impact of healing circles and group work has always been positive. Creating space for people to share, grow and learn from one another. It might be easy to scoff at the notion, but who knows, they just might make a difference. Wouldn’t it be great if this brought about a metamorphosis of masculinity that could liberate men from toxic and outdated mindsets?
There are many new groups to help men to find this growth and connection. The Men’s Movement, also referred to as the mythopoetic men’s movement, began in the late 1970s in America. This was further developed by the Mankind Project, formerly known as The New Warrior Network. They created an initiatory retreat for men that was first held in 1985. It was a direct outgrowth of the feminist movement as society began to re-evaluate the defined roles of men and women.
Since its inception, the movement has attracted more than 22,000 men worldwide. The ManKind Project offers free online Connection Groups or their Warrior Training Adventure, for men who are feeling isolated or feelings they cannot control. It does have its detractors and it’s not for everyone.
The Men’s Shed movement is another positive influence on men globally. Originally started in Australia, it arrived in Ireland in 2011. Men’s Sheds paved the way for older men to gather in ordinary spaces, without the focus of open discussion.
It aims to bring men out of isolation, standing side by side, while sharing skills, exchanging knowledge, and building friendships. This was another shift away from men’s often silent and stoic approach to life.
Pat Divilly, who initially started out in the fitness industry, has since moved towards helping men with their emotional well-being. He created the ‘Masculine Leadership Program’ which aims to ‘teach men tools to improve mental, emotional and relational wellness.’ Pat has a variety of open and curious younger men in their twenties attending his groups. However, he also has men with families and busy work lives, looking for a community with accountability, coaching and feedback. Men who are keen to learn tools for self care, slowing down and enjoying life. Pat says they mostly have one thing in common.
One of the biggest drivers of men’s mental health challenges is shame, a sense of being isolated, unlovable, or challenged by struggles that no one else faces. Common feedback from the men’s groups is the relief that comes from knowing other men have similar challenges and the feeling of lightness that comes with sharing a challenge that has been kept hidden.
The ‘50’s man’ described as ‘aggressive, liking football, never cries and always provides’ is something of yesteryear. Modern Irish men are looking to become more conscious, accountable, and emotionally aware. The tides have turned, and men’s behaviours and attitudes have come under scrutiny.
Luke from The Healing Forest in Kilternan, offers nature-based programs to help men navigate life. Luke’s father acquired part of the forest when he was a child. He founded The Healing Forest out of a crisis stage in his life and some difficult years. The stillness and quietness of the forest offered his family guidance. This solitude helped them connect with their higher selves. He is now sharing the power of the forest with others. The Healing Forest and Luke offer a variety of different practices.
Inward Bound, co-founded by Rob Ó Cobhthaigh, aims to offer people a chance to connect with themselves, and explore their inner creativity and personal development. Rob is a psychotherapist and transpersonal therapist. He started out working in adventure sports, leading groups of young men in nature. This led him to begin running men’s retreats in Dublin and Sligo.
Rob is particularly interested in rites of passage into manhood, something that has been lost for men in today’s Western society. Rites of passage involve letting go symbolically of boyhood and stepping into sovereignty and autonomy.
Men are carrying a lot of burdens, some of them self-imposed, like responsibilities, and others put upon them by others. We create space where people can let go of things and men can step into the best version of themselves. It is time for Irish men to step up and be heart centered leaders.
This year marked my arrival into mid-life and with that, a natural progression into questions and self-reflections. A time to pause and think about how I would like the latter half of my life to be, a mid-life transformation of sorts. This period of introspection piqued my interest in the rise of men’s healing circles and the resultant booking of my first men’s retreat.
I made the pilgrimage to Reiltin Retreat Centre in Dingle to spend the weekend with seven strangers. Reiltin, meaning ‘little star’ as Gaeilge, is in a small Gaeltacht village on the Dingle Peninsula, that has been hosting Irish language students for over 40 years. It’s now a full-time retreat centre. The warm welcome from owner Derbhla was just great and the safety of Reiltin felt like the perfect place to try men’s work for the first time.
Jack, a yoga and breathwork teacher, was our facilitator for the weekend. He told us he lost his father when he was 19. ‘For years after this, I was unconsciously searching for male connection and guidance.’
It was his discovery of men who had ‘made it their explicit purpose in life to support other men in their maturation process’, that provided him with ‘the tools for the unique challenges that men face.’ Jack guided us through ‘men’s circles’, examining life through stories which lead to deeper discussions.
‘This work aims to create a safe, contemplative environment for men who wish to connect on a deeper level than perhaps they do in spaces like bars and sports clubs. There used to be a view that seeking support from a therapist or group was a sign of weakness. These activities aren’t necessarily for the “sick” or “broken” but can be seen as ways to better understand oneself.’
The retreat I attended was filled with conversations over meals, yoga, meditations, a mountain hike, an ice bath challenge, tea sipping discussions around the fire, followed by evening silence. John from Dublin, one of the men at the retreat told me he wanted more time to focus on himself to help him feel better and improve as a person. He came across the retreat on Instagram while travelling after having done some Life Coaching.
One of the things I take from the retreat is I am always focused on the destination. I am always going somewhere, never happy with where I am. I drive as quickly as I can to get somewhere or work quickly to get things done. Now, I understand the journey is part of the destination and I am now going to give myself more time.
Patrick, 41, has been doing online and in-person Men’s Circles and forest walks for a few years. After stresses and worries in his 20’s and 30’s, he became interested in spiritual work which sparked his curiosity about men’s work. He slowly found a network of men offering this kind of work through social media.
His most memorable experience is a shouting exercise from a Men’s Circle. A group of 15 men, of all different ages, gathered around a fire, drinking cacao, in a forest. He also described one snowy December evening when they were asked to be conscious of what they wanted to let go of.
One of the benefits of men’s groups is how empowering it is to get to know other men and realise we could connect. As a queer person, I would have had some fears around masculinity and heterosexual men.
The advent of the men’s healing group has helped men reflect on their identity and mental health. The new spaces created to allow us to openly discuss how we feel have the potential to affect real change. A new generation of Irish men are coming forward and beginning to do things differently. There are now spaces and people across the country leading the way for men to explore their feelings and be influenced by positive role models.
As Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”.
Stephen O’Rourke is a physiotherapist and health writer.
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