AS A DATING coach, I’ve grown increasingly alarmed by the number of clients who tell me they’ve been abused by a narcissist, which is reflected by the current explosion of internet podcasts, vodcasts and blogs about healing from narcissistic trauma.
Experts estimate that one to six per cent of the population in Ireland has Narcissistic Personally Disorder (NPD). Unfortunately, individuals with NPD don’t usually seek treatment, and the disorder is considered permanent, so it’s important to learn how you can avoid getting enmeshed with someone with narcissistic tendencies.
While it is unclear if my clients are describing experiences with a true clinical narcissist, someone with narcissistic traits, or another type of emotional abuser, each case shows attempts to control the client by wearing down their self-confidence and cultivating a deep dependence.
I’ve noticed in my coaching and interviews with narcissism abuse survivors that one trait NPD victims have in common is a high degree of empathy and nurturing, with a tendency to put other people’s needs before their own. Narcissists and other manipulators lack empathy and self-esteem, craving the validation and attention they get from these nurturing souls.
So, let’s dive a little deeper into this personality type and see what the research tells us. To effectively scare away narcissistic abusers, it can be helpful to identify some of the fairly well-established patterns of behaviour, as described below…
As more is understood about the makeup of narcissists, one of the red flags that experts have identified is that of ‘love bombing’.
The victim, who gives a lot in relationships, is “love bombed” by the abuser right away with lavish gifts, praise, attention and declarations of love.
The victim, who wants desperately to believe their fairytale love has come true, ignores, or minimises the red flags because they empathise with the abuser’s trauma and think their love can heal it.
Once the victim is hooked, the narcissist starts to devalue their significant other via insults, gaslighting, withholding intimacy, or blaming the victim for their own issues.
The victim may doubt their own sanity, or feel guilty of wrongdoing, often taking on responsibility to fix their partner and resolve their relationship issues.
When a victim starts to recognise the abuse, and attempts to set boundaries, request compromise and reciprocity, the abuser discards them. The victim is often shocked, unable to process how a person who loved them deeply could leave without attempting to repair the relationship. While this outcome is painful, it may be better than another tactic called hoovering, where narcissists manipulate people back into their lives—through their children or other methods—to prolong the abuse.
While there is an abundance of manipulators haunting the dating world, it’s possible for survivors to shift from previous toxic relationship patterns and attract a healthy relationship. The key is to identify what has attracted abusers in the past and harness this information to turn off potential future abusers. Here are three ways to do that:
Be mindful of giving too much too soon
Giving too much too soon can feel overwhelming or manipulative to a healthy dating candidate who doesn’t know you. Give yourself time to see if the other person has demonstrated that they are emotionally safe, showing over time that they have empathy and want to reciprocate. Abusers will see this healthy reserve as unattractive, especially narcissists who need an endless supply of attention, validation and nurturing.
Demonstrate healthy boundaries by prioritising yourself over others
Instead of focusing on other people’s needs, feelings, and goals, it’s important to prioritise your own self-care. Learning to say no may be challenging at first. However, while a narcissist may try to make you feel guilty for acts of self-care, a healthy partner will ultimately respect you more and even encourage your health and self-esteem. One may further signal healthy boundaries by not responding immediately to a bombardment of texts or other demands. Only say yes when you feel that you genuinely want to do something, rather than just to placate someone’s ego and avoid their anger. They will quickly lose interest if you stick to your boundaries.
Cultivate independence before dating
In my practice, I frequently encounter clients seeking a partner to resolve personal issues, ranging from financial difficulties to general unhappiness and disappointment with life.
I try to gently encourage clients to cultivate their own financial – and emotional – independence to avoid falling victim to someone who may use money and attention to control them. This means pursuing their own goals, including building good credit and saving habits. It also means starting to live your happiest, most purposeful life outside of a romantic relationship by investing in friendships and activities that feel nurturing.
You can demonstrate such independence before meeting a potential abuser by stating in your online dating profile that you are looking for someone who has a full life and is financially responsible like you, or making it clear on the first call or date. This will turn them off because they will know you’re not an easy target for their manipulation.
If you’ve been victimised by someone with narcissistic traits, it’s important to forgive yourself and understand that even highly intelligent people can be fooled by a master manipulator — especially when approached at a vulnerable time. Once my clients identify their own needs and nurture greater self-esteem, they develop other healthy relationships in their professional and personal lives that make them even more attractive to healthy dating partners.
Jeanne Sullivan Billeci is a certified life coach who works also as the Irish dating expert known as The Soul Mate Coach.
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