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Three weeks after open heart surgery, I've come to terms with losing control

Sometimes someone will agree that, yes, it’s a bit crap, and there’s not much anyone can do about it for the moment. That’s often all you need to hear.

IT WAS A really hot morning back in June that my ordeal began. I remember it because I needed a pocket to carry my thermometer, forcing me to take a jacket to work – the only person on the Dart with one.

Earlier in the year, I had had an infection that travelled to my heart, so when I woke that morning feeling ill I was alert to the symptoms. But I never imagined I could actually be sick again – the thermometer was just a precaution.

As the day wore on, the temperature on the thermometer grew and grew. I was hospitalised that night and by the following morning it was apparent that the infection I thought I’d cleared had returned.

It had already caused serious damage to one of the valves, leaving no choice but to operate. But before that could happen, I needed a two-week course of antibiotics to reduce the infection as much as possible.

Waiting for surgery

“Living” in hospital is a pretty strange experience, particularly when you don’t really feel that sick. The antibiotics used to clear the infection quickly removed most of my symptoms and so other than being unusually tired I felt normal.

But in the hospital world, I was anything but normal. I was young, much younger than anyone else I met. In the whole month I was in hospital, I never met a patient under the age of 35.

I also looked relatively healthy. I’m tall, stout and have sallow skin – not your typical shuffling, frail patient.

My healthy facade combined with the scale of my impending surgery made me a pretty unique case. Doctors loved it. (This is bad. When you go to the doctor, you always want them to be bored. When they get excited or interested, that’s when you know you’re in trouble.)

Semblance of normality

I was lucky enough to have a private room for the majority of my stay, which soon became my room. Clothes were strewn across chairs, books scattered on the window sill, the bed was always unmade.

But despite trying to make my room as homely as possible, any semblance of normality could be easily shattered. Often I was lying on the bed, scrolling Facebook or reading, when the door would without warning burst open and in would troop a team of medics to examine and fire questions at me.

During a pause, when the consultant might ask my nurse for a clarification, I’d finally get a chance to glance at the company cramped in my small room. It seemed like a whole jumble of senior doctors, nurses, junior doctors and (if you crane your head around the corner) five or six med students.

It was invariably a bizarre and pretty comical experience, but I  sometimes couldn’t help feeling like a bit of an exhibition.

Post-surgery life

This inconvenience, of course, paled in comparison to the real struggles I faced post-surgery. I’m home now and well into a steady recovery, but the battle has been as much a mental as a physical one.

Three weeks after the operation, everyday life is still characterised by chronic exhaustion, bouts of severe pain and constant, endless discomfort.

Even though my stamina limits my daily walks to around 10 minutes, my mind is often back in my old body – the one that used to go running with (relative) ease and step over puddles with disdain or walk from point A to point B without it constituting “exercise”.

It’s tough to accept that my body, for the moment at least, simply isn’t capable of doing what it once was.

Importance of listening

Since nobody I know has ever had a similar experience, it’s easy to bottle it up and not talk about what I’ve been through. The funny thing, though, is they don’t need to know what it’s like. Just being there and listening is as good as knowing.

It’s amazing how many people (with the best intentions in the world) will offer a positive spin to try cheer you up. What they don’t know is that you’ve already been through every possible permutation of the positives and the negatives, leaving a pretty slim chance that they’ll offer a perspective you haven’t already considered.

But sometimes someone will just agree that, yes, it’s a bit crap, and there’s not much anyone can do about it for the moment. That’s often all you need to hear.

I’ve learned too that feeling down, sad or even angry is okay, maybe normal.

Of course, wallowing in resentment or getting stuck in depression can be dangerous, but as long as you’ve got people around you to pull you out of your own head when you’ve sunk too deep, allowing yourself to be upset at a bum deal is, in my experience at least, a good thing.

Lack of control

This experience has not been an easy one, but given time it will pass and life will go on. What that life will be like is a decision for another day.

Last month, the fabric of life was swept from under my feet, leaving me with literally no control. But there’s an odd serenity to that.

The relentless question “is this what I want to do with my life?” simply doesn’t apply anymore – I don’t have a choice.

Seán McKiernan is a 24-year-old Dubliner. You can follow his blog, A Mater of the Heart, here.

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14 Comments
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    Mute Robert Brouwer
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    Aug 7th 2015, 8:26 AM

    I am a good bit older but sentiments are much the same, more goes on in the head than the body.
    Best of luck to you.

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    Mute Tom Harpur
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    Aug 7th 2015, 9:11 AM

    My mother had a triple heart bypass in May she’s 62 and she’s now doing her pre everyday things as normal and sharing the jobs of looking after her 92 year old mother. She was in massive after surgery pain and felt like she’d been hit by bus but thankfully she’s doing really good now.

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    Mute Rory
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    Aug 7th 2015, 8:32 AM

    Fantadtic column.

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    Mute Anne Marie Devlin
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    Aug 7th 2015, 9:31 AM

    My father had the same experience. Infection went into his heart. He didn’t go to the doctor for an antibiotic and ended up in intensive care followed by a 3 month stay in hospital before he could be operated on. He had a bypass and a valve replacement in January. He’s back to normal now. Walking miles everyday and getting ready for his upcoming holiday abroad. He’s 70. Pain was a big issue for the first few months. As another poster said, it’s like getting run over by a bus. But, it passes. All the best with your recovery.

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    Mute Donal Hanley
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    Aug 7th 2015, 10:17 AM

    Best of luck Sean and just to reassure you there is life after heart surgery. I had a triple by the great Maurice Nelligan in 1993. After leaving the hospital I never went back for a check up for twenty years. I’m 75 now and as well as any other man my age. I did go for a checkup two years ago and they put a couple of stents in but there was no big deal.

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    Aug 8th 2015, 11:08 PM

    The late doctor Nelligan operated on my late dad who had various complications but also my big brother Paul who was born with a hole in the heart in the late sixties but is alive and kicking today. As a result every time I hear Dr Nelligan’s name I like to perk up for him.

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    Mute Eamonn Walshe
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    Aug 7th 2015, 11:39 AM

    I had open heart surgery 4 years ago to repair my aorta, to do this the surgeon replaced a valve. It was pretty traumatic but without it I would not still be here. having had this done certainly changes a person’s outlook on life. For me it is like a second chance. Ruptured aorta has taken my father, brother, first cousin and I’ve been the lucky one.

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    Mute catherine
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    Aug 7th 2015, 10:23 AM

    Great insight thank-you. I currently have a young relative who is very unwell from a virus running rampant over the last few months. It’s sometimes hard to understand that’s it’s such a huge crash. Coming from physically healthy and very active to being tired unwell and sometimes dependent. I think I get it a bit better now. Best of luck with the rest of your recovery.

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    Mute Jack DaCosta
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    Aug 7th 2015, 3:05 PM

    Insightful article, thanks for sharing your experience.
    When I saw the accompanying photo I thought it was a mistake as you look much too young and healthy to have undergone such a life changing procedure.
    Guess I was wrong.
    Best of luck going forward.

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    Mute Michael Sands
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    Aug 7th 2015, 1:23 PM

    A tooth infection or abscess can be enough to damage your heart as well as having the flu, scary stuff.

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    Mute Anne Marie Devlin
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    Aug 7th 2015, 7:14 PM

    @Larry. He got an infection. His weight had nothing to to with it!

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    Mute Larry David the 2nd
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    Aug 7th 2015, 8:49 PM

    Oh .

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    Mute Anthony Byrne
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    Aug 7th 2015, 9:27 PM

    To the author. You are young. You have the rest of your life in front of you. Live it. Enjoy it. Do everything you can do. Do everything you want to do.

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    Mute Larry David the 2nd
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    Aug 7th 2015, 5:45 PM

    You certainly don’t look stout as you suggest in the article. Did you lose weight after perhaps ? Fatness is definitely a risk factor in heart disease so well done you for getting to a fit weight.

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