MY ELDEST STAYED home one day this week, due to the effects of stress caused by a group of students in her year. I’d like to say this is a once-off, but since they both started school, it feels like we are forever helping them to process the actions of others. And it is genuinely so gut-wrenching to watch your kids go through the most awful situations, and experience things that they just shouldn’t have to.
I want to be clear that I am not talking about physical violence here, I am referring to other negative behaviours experienced in school, that are often just viewed as ‘part of life’ or maybe even ‘character building’.
I am talking about kids who have no friends for months on end, rumour spreading, receiving threats either through someone else or via text, nasty comments, backstabbing and outcasting. It feels like kids are getting meaner, and more violent and certainly the data backs that up. And then the schools won’t take accountability.
I have seen numerous articles about Education Minister, Norma Foley’s plan to tackle bullying, and fully welcome the discussion, but we are yet to see any changes.
It’s so frustrating to try to do the absolute best for your child in every sense, and then you have to send them to school and just hope that they don’t end up in a situation that traumatises them. I don’t know if parents should be doing more, or if it’s on the schools to be more vigilant, but we haven’t found the schools to be overly helpful or proactive with these things.
If my daughter told a teacher that nobody in her family spoke a word to her in the evenings, and that we made her eat her dinner in the bathroom while the rest of the family ate at the table, I am fairly certain that the teacher would be on to TUSLA quite quickly. So why, then, would that same teacher overlook it when it happens in school? This may not be the case in every school, but it’s been my own experience.
About two years ago, one of my daughters had a few weeks where someone was leaving pencil sharpener blades in her locker, along with notes suggesting that she use them. Now, for whatever reason (likely the unshakeable sense of herself that she was born with) she wasn’t too bothered by this behaviour. She spoke to us about it at home, and we were genuinely shocked that another child would be capable of such hatred and agreed that they were obviously dealing with an awful amount of stuff in their own lives. She actually still says she feels really sorry for whoever did it, because how will they process that behaviour as an adult?
Now I know we are lucky that we moved past this easily, and I wouldn’t expect any other child to shrug this behaviour off. Even as an adult, I would be devastated if this happened to me. So I persuaded her to tell the school, who ultimately did not believe her, continuously saying that she wasn’t able to provide any proof. But to be clear, she isn’t allowed a phone or any kind of recording device on school property, so how could she have any proof?
It’s hard not to feel that the school interprets its policies in order to take the easiest route each time. If something happens right outside the school gates, it’s off-limits. Similarly, if it happens on a phone or through social media, the schools will say it’s out of their hands, and they can’t get involved. Again, this may to be the case for all schools, but that’s been my experience.
This is what we were told by our school last week when she received threatening messages from other students in her year, and also when a couple of girls from the year above her all tried calling her phone within 30 minutes one evening, which is really intimidating for anyone to go through.
But those same students, and particularly the ones in the year above, are old enough to work part-time jobs. Now, if someone in the workplace was harassing them with that same behaviour, the employer would be legally obliged to take appropriate action. There are clear and strict policies that would have to be followed.
In the workplace, it would result in an investigation, with witnesses and statements, and clearly documented minutes. It would involve managers trained to handle these situations, and the employer would be expected to demonstrate how they were taking steps to prevent this behaviour in the future.
In schools, a year head or guidance counsellor will ‘look into it’. And while you hope that they will be impartial and fair, in the workplace we don’t trust this, and have legislation to ensure no possibility of bias.
These same policies in the workplace have been expanded over time to include the use of social media, contacting employees outside of work, and appropriate behaviour on nights out. The legislation is there, the policies are already written, I don’t understand why we can’t apply them to schools? It’s just not good enough. If there was a threat of physical violence against me in my job, or if someone was spreading rumours, or if all of my colleagues shunned me one day, no one would expect me to continue going. We have legislation ensuring kids attend school, so schools shouldn’t be allowed to downplay or ignore these behaviours. As it stands, almost half of students report bullying in secondary school.
It is utterly understandable of course that schools are under immense pressure and there are 800 other kids to keep an eye on. Teachers can’t be expected to notice everything. Except, they do notice everything. They can spot a missing tie from across a crowded hall, or white-soled runners that breach the dress code policy, and they can find the time to speak to kids about it, write it up on the app and even call the parents if not addressed.
If they can do this, they can easily spot a child who is sitting alone every single day, and they should move mountains to get them engaged again. They should be able to spot a child who has lost their spark because they are terrified, and they should definitely be able to prevent the kids in their care from going through anything traumatic.
I am so sick and tired of dropping them off at school and just hoping that everything goes OK for them, that they have someone to sit beside or eat lunch with, and that another child won’t do or say something that will fundamentally change them as a person and take years to process as an adult. Is that too much to ask of our schools?
Margaret Lynch is a working mum of two in Kildare.
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