IS PARENTING THE new smoking? Well according to the US Surgeon General, modern parenting is now so stressful, it’s becoming harmful to our health. The recent report by Dr Vivek Murthy, himself a father of two, makes for stark reading and one hell of a health warning for prospective parents.
According to the report, in 2023 “33% of parents reported high levels of stress in the past month compared to 20% of other adults. 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to 26% among other adults.” It also outlines how parents are now spending more time on both work and childcare than they ever have in the past, with “nearly 70% of parents agreeing parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago.”
What makes Dr Murthy’s report even more interesting, is that he doesn’t remove himself from the equation. He puts his money where his mouth is, telling The New York Times, “The truth is it [parenting] has also been more stressful than any job I’ve had. I’ve had many moments of feeling lost and exhausted. So many parents I encounter as I travel across America tell me they have the same experience: They feel lucky to be raising kids, but they are struggling, often in silence and alone.”
As a parent of two young children, I read the report and thought, at last, someone in a position of power has the guts to say out loud what so many of us are feeling. We love our children, but parenting is stressful as hell and many of us are close to burnout.
In case you’re wondering what burnout is, according to the Cambridge Dictionary it is “extreme tiredness or mental or physical illness caused by working too hard or trying to do too much.”
The report identifies things like financial worries, child safety, being time-poor and social media/the internet being some of the top concerns. While Dr Murthy’s findings are US-based and address the experiences of the 63 million parents of children across that country, it wouldn’t be a giant leap to assume that parents in Ireland are feeling similarly stressed out and close to breaking point too.
Parents in Ireland are worried about all of the above, but we also have additional worries such as the lack of access to affordable childcare, both in the early years and after-school setting. We’re seeing costs rise in the sector, adding more financial burdens and stresses to parents, with some families seeing one parent leaving their job as a result.
Affordability is a huge issue and is a real barrier to people starting a family or expanding it.
Before I became a parent, I used to think I was stressed when I had a lot on at work. I’d fret and lament if I had to skip lunch or stay late to get it completed. If only I could go back and tell myself how easy I had it, because I was in the ha’penny place compared to the stress post-kids me faces on a daily basis. I adore my two boys more than I could ever quantify, and none of the stress I am under is their fault.
Yet the fact remains, that I spend most of my days feeling incredibly under pressure as I try to balance work, caring for them and paying the bills, while I carry the lion’s share of the mental load of the family, in a society that doesn’t value parenting as much as it should.
As a result, I wouldn’t say I’m far off burning out and I definitely notice a negative impact on my overall health. But there is no getting off the hamster wheel I and many other parents find ourselves on. It’s such a delicate balance, that I’m almost too afraid to move, in case I derail things. And that’s when things are going along fairly evenly. Throw any other issue into the mix, such as an ageing or vulnerable parent who needs looking after or a family illness, and all bets are off.
Not to mention those parents who have children with health conditions or additional needs, who are on a lower income, are a single parent, or have health issues themselves, all of whom face increased daily stresses.
What the report highlights is that it’s not just about how negatively stress impacts parents’ mental and physical health. A stressed parent often passes those stresses onto their child.
The report also cites the pressures of “new stressors that previous generations didn’t have to consider. These include the complexity of managing social media and parents’ concerns about the youth mental health crisis, just to name a few.”
There’s no question that social media and child safety on the internet are the biggest additional sources of stress today’s parents must contend with. With the news that a quarter of Irish children aged between 8 and 12 have been upset by harmful content online, parents are fighting on all fronts to keep their children safe.
As much as I found myself nodding along with the US Surgeon General’s sagely advice, I’m also a realist. While his utopic recommendations about making parenting sustainable, rolling out affordable childcare, before- and after-school care programs, flexible and understanding workplaces, protecting children on the internet and giving parents the mental health support they need, I know access to all of those at the same time feels like an impossible dream.
The simple fact is that we don’t place the same value on parenting as we do with paid work. Sure, there are shocking surveys that come out every once in a while, that slap some impressive monetary value on the work a parent does, we all talk about it for a day or two and then it gets swept under the carpet. It’s never acted upon. It doesn’t result in the societal shift we parents need.
The Surgeon General’s report contains the key to this shift. Simply put, “the work of parenting is essential not only for the health of children but also for the health of society.” And that’s the crucial piece of the puzzle that gets ignored by the eye-rollers who say parents are snowflakes and the government who fail to prioritise families in successive budgets.
As refreshing as it was to read the US Surgeon General’s comments, I am not hopeful that this report will reduce my stress load or that of any other parent any time soon until this piece of the puzzle is put into place.
Niamh O’Reilly is a freelance writer and wrangler of two small boys, who is winging her way through motherhood, her forties and her eyeliner.
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
have your say