FIRST OF ALL, I want to apologise for what I am about to tell you. There is no easy way through this, and, honestly, I miss the person I was before. I was a person who could touch door handles without throwing up in my mouth, a person who did not know the average length of a worm in the intestine.

I was also a person who did not know multiple locations, both inside and outside of the body, that might be incubating worm eggs.

The awakening happened for us a few years ago, when the kids were small. A friend came over to visit along with her two kids, and all the smallies were doing that thing that kids do when you bring them to someone’s house, acting like they hadn’t eaten for months.

I don’t know what it is about someone else’s house that brings a hunger like no other in every small child, but I’m always relieved to see other people’s kids do the same thing.

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As we were handing out packs of crisps and apples, their mam said “I cannot keep them full at the moment, I actually think they might have worms. I have the medication in my bag but haven’t given it to them yet”.

The emotion of this moment is difficult to articulate. Although my face remained impassive, every fibre of my body was screaming. My mind was in hell. Screaming, there was so much internal screaming.

Also wailing.

Shrieking.

Why us? Why now? Why our kitchen?

Guess who’s coming to dinner!

That was the day I came to know about worms. I mean, I had some age-old, misty memories of adults talking about worms 100 years ago in my own youth, but had somehow blocked it out.

Threadworms (pinworms) are the kind of subject that as an adult without children, you’d probably have the luxury of not having to contend with. But bring a couple of little munchkins into the world, and you’re bound to be faced with this horror, which will lead to an unwelcome but now familiar bi-annual question:

“Have we dosed everyone for worms yet this year?”

Pinworms are tiny parasites/worms that are transmitted from person to person (they’re very common in children) and once ingested, they set up home and multiply in your gut. You can live with them, many people do, but they cause irritation in the lower parts and can disturb your sleep, and if you ask me if they’re setting up shop in your stomach, then they’re taking the energy from your body. And guess what, they make your bum itchy and show up in your poo. There you go, now, isn’t that wonderful. 

You may have noticed poor Bridget Jones having to contend with them for her daughter in her recent movie, Mad About the Boy. In a chaotic insight into the world of a frazzled parent, the doctor had to dish out a dose of the annual treatment to stop the little mites. 

Bridget Jones, played by Renée Zellweger, had to run her children to the GP to get medication for pinworms, in her new movie, Mad About the Boy. Alamy Stock Photo Alamy Stock Photo

Pinworms are nothing new. When we were growing up, there seemed to be a cohort of older grannies or aunties who could spot a child with worms from afar. Something to do with a yearning for sugar, a runny nose, wetting the bed and a restless disposition. No, me neither.

Don’t ask me, but there always seemed to be a militant older woman around who knew about such things. Nowadays, there isn’t as much discussion or awareness of these (unfortunate) byproducts of being human. After all, aren’t we all modern now, living in spotless houses? Well, it doesn’t work that way, pile a load of kids into a room together, and it’s a smorgasbord of viruses, parasites and head lice. That’s just life. 

The ick

Back to our (human) visitors in the kitchen, I was calmly nodding along with the conversation while also making a mental note of every place their little hands were touching so that I could douse it in bleach after they left.

But they were little kids, so, they touched the entire surface area of the kitchen in seconds while I had a quiet existential crisis and wondered if there was anywhere nearby to rent a flamethrower.

I have never tolerated any type of insect well, and the thoughts of them laying eggs on my kitchen counters or living with members of my family is honestly enough to shatter my entire existence. I just can’t cope with that, and really, why should I have to? Shouldn’t these things be banished to a time when we didn’t have access to clean water and soap?

I will admit that I don’t tolerate germs very well. I’m not a germaphobe or anything, I just have a healthy fear of germs, like any normal person. I carry sanitiser in my car, I have one beside my bed, one in my gym bag, one in my handbag, on my keyring and a spare on my desk.

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I also would prefer to eat my own hand rather than shake someone else’s, but I promise you, I am a very laid-back person.

Easy to be around. Relaxed.

Those are probably things that people who know me might say.

Anyway, the realisation that there are people in the world who could walk around, continue to live their lives, and visit other people’s houses, while knowingly cultivating insects inside them actually ruined my life a little bit.

‘Treat everyone, twice a year’

Later that day, after they had left, and I had scrubbed the top layer off of every surface in the kitchen, including my own hands, I called a different friend to vent. And what a can of worms (I do apologise) that conversation was. She thought I was the crazy one for not de-worming everyone in the house twice a year. 

As my life splintered into a before and after this dreadful day, I realised I was going to have to do some research. I wormed my way (last one, I promise) out of the phone call and began searching the internet for one of the worst things I have ever had the misfortune of looking up.

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Some hours later, after seeing utterly unspeakable things with my good eyeballs, I can confirm that yes, this is something we must deal with. The reality is that kids can pick up threadworms from touching surfaces with worm eggs on them, which is great because I would never let my kids touch any surface that might have worm eggs on it, but also not great because you can’t see them, so then every surface is a potential wormy egg surface?

These eggs are then passed from hands to mouths, where they go on to hatch and form colonies in your intestines. And is that the worst thing you have ever read? Because… same.

Being human

When my younger daughter was around seven, she made friends with a gloriously feral child from the next estate. They were two peas in a pod. The very first time I met this friend, she confidently introduced herself and then pulled a very dead and very dry worm out of her pocket and told me that ‘This is Fernando’.

Fernando, God rest his crispy little soul, took up the entire surface area of the palm of her hand.

Naturally, I preferred to not have poor dead Fernando in the house at all and encouraged them to bring him outside, so they waked him on an altar in the back garden with daily funeral services. They even made him a little burial gown out of leaves and daisies — obviously, this was before either child had a smartphone.

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Anyway, when I thought about threadworms, I tried to picture Fernando. But these guys aren’t like him. In fact, threadworms can vary in size from 2mm to 14mm. And if, like me, measurements and numbers mean absolutely nothing to you, I can confirm that 14mm is about the circumference of a one Euro coin.

You can have one threadworm inside you or multiple. The females are more likely to crawl outside at nighttime, and they can also lay eggs in your bedding, which can then be flung into the air when changing the bedsheets, and land absolutely anywhere. Are you itchy yet?

Symptoms to look out for include crankiness, nighttime irritability, and itchy bums, which is helpful because these definitely aren’t behaviours that almost every child displays every single day. There are other types of worms, like hookworm and filariae (eeewww), that can form colonies in the body through much worse entry points, but my therapist has said that I must actively deny their existence forever and never think about them ever again (I might be paraphrasing).

Now listen, if unintentionally ingesting invisible worm eggs that were scratched out from someone’s itchy bum makes you wish you were never born, I am in wholehearted agreement. And I have good news, which is that they are entirely and easily treatable through medicine available over the counter.

The HSE has further guidance on treatment and also how to remove the eggs from the household and includes fun new information about how the eggs can live for up to two weeks outside a body, and that you should rinse your toothbrush before using it in case any snuck onto there because nothing is safe.

But as much as I hated having to know about these things, they are a natural part of parenting that we do have to deal with them. And although we don’t want to think about it, it is much easier to sneak the treatment medicine into everything your family consume twice a year (mebendazole bolognese, anyone?) than to have to deal with an infestation.

The early bird and all that.

Now please, never mention them to me again.

Margaret Lynch is a mother of two and is parenting columnist with The Journal.