SO IT’S THAT time of year again when all the seasonal ads come out, the shops are packed with merchandise and many of us get caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas.
The busyness of gifts, get-togethers, cooking and cleaning are all associated with this season. So how can we get the best out of this holiday period without succumbing to the pressures or allowing our mental health to suffer?
With the cost of living crisis, many are feeling more financially pressured than usual and it can be helpful to manage expectations around this, both of ourselves and those around us.
Can agreements be made around things like Kris Kindle (with a maximum budget) instead of getting gifts for everyone? Maybe your family can consider an approach of “time — not things” where you spend time together doing something nice but in a more cost-efficient way?
Asking guests to “bring a dish” can also be another helpful way to share the load. Homemade gifts such as crafts or baking always go down a treat and might not challenge the bank account as much. Maybe vouchers for services such as babysitting or jobs around the house might be another cost-effective, thoughtful gift option.
Other challenges of the season can be less practical and more emotional or psychological. Loss can make Christmas particularly difficult, especially after a death, the end of a relationship or a job, or the loss of a home. Cruse Bereavement agency in the UK says that approximately 13 million people in the UK were suffering from grief at Christmas last year.
These can be really painful experiences when the season no longer has the same meaning after whatever has been lost.
Likewise, meeting up with friends or family members you haven’t seen much all year might bring us out of our comfort zones, triggering our self-doubt and anxieties about not being “good enough”. The place to start when working through painful times is with your own self-compassion.
There is a strong link in research between Self-Compassion and Wellbeing (according to Kristin Neff et al). Notice how hard you are being on yourself and question if your expectation of yourself is realistic.
Pick your battles at Christmas and maybe consider if there is a “Third way”.
It might not have to be all or nothing, going versus not going to social events, for example. Maybe you can set your own limits and only go for an hour instead of a whole day? Maybe you don’t need to visit your family member when everyone else is if it is too overwhelming, maybe you can visit in your own time.
The World Health Organization defines self-care as: “the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health worker.”
Many of us confuse self-care for selfishness and we are often reluctant to put ourselves first but self-care at any time of year is not about putting ourselves before other people.
Self-care is about being equally as kind to ourselves as we are to others.
If we are making allowances for others and not expecting them to be “all things to all people”, why can’t we make those same allowances for ourselves? This can be a good rule of thumb when you might be feeling overwhelmed. Make sure your own cup is filled with your basic needs being met before you try to meet the perceived needs of others. (and I purposely used the word “perceived” because we might be mistaken in assuming that this is what others need!)
We’re not too long out of a global pandemic. Yes, there’s been a ‘return to normal’ but the imprint of those years is still there. The good and the bad. Christmas lockdowns during the pandemic gave us the opportunity to rethink what this season means to us.
We can now review what we have always done and explore “why” we are doing it and if we need to do it the same way from now on.
If meeting in somebody’s house gets too much for some, could you meet in a restaurant instead? Or maybe it’s the other way round, if a restaurant is too much, could you meet in a park or somebody’s house? If we can be more kind to ourselves, and less critical, it might free up some headspace to become creative around getting the most out of this holiday time without adding to our stress or exhaustion — I hope you can be gentle with yourselves over the holidays, and enjoy some little moments — whatever that means to you!
If you or someone you know needs to talk to somebody professional, make sure that who you go to is qualified and accredited. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.iacp.ie has a register of qualified, accredited and experienced counsellors and psychotherapists nationwide.
Linda Breathnach is an MIACP psychotherapist, lecturer, trainer and supervisor. For more, see TherapyAndTraining.ie.
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