VALENTINE’S DAY IS arguably the most polarising event in the Hallmark calendar. For those who are happily enjoying the warmth of a cosy relationship, it’s largely seen as an opportunity to demonstrate just how strongly they feel for their significant other – romance on fast-forward, if you will.
However, for some of those who aren’t with anyone they can share a candlelit dinner with, it strikes the fear of God into them. All those nagging feelings of loneliness, panic and awkwardness they may need to suppress from time to time (for instance when another wedding invitation plops onto the welcome mat) come raging to the surface with a vengeance. With red roses, heart-shaped chocolate boxes and sexy lingerie plastering every shop window, it’s hard to escape the glare of St Valentine’s.
For matchmaking companies, January and February are the busiest months of the year – partly for new years’ resolutions and partly to avoid another Christmas alone but in large part to soften the impending blow of 14 February. At least if you are doing something to try to find someone, it’s not so bad, right?
As a matchmaker, I’ve heard every reason in the book for using a dating service around Valentine’s Day. It seems to me, though, that the reason there’s widespread panic amongst some of those who are single around Valentine’s is not simply a deep sense of loneliness, nor is it because their life isn’t full and fun, it’s the publicity of their single status.
Sometimes it seems like you’re the only single person in the world
Regardless of the fact there are 1.5 million unmarried people in Ireland and most of us in our adult lives have been on our own at some stage, often it seems like you’re the only single person in the world. Everyone around you seems to be in a relationship but, somehow, that love connection keeps eluding you. The longer it goes on, the more you think “is it something I’m doing?” or “there must be something wrong with me”.
At the point you start wondering why you’re single, you assume everyone else has noticed too. All of a sudden, polite questions about your love life seem like daggers in the face, deliberately designed to humiliate you. You start to notice the sympathetic head tilt when strangers accidentally stumble upon your single status in conversation, as if you’re grieving for something. You start to feel like you are somehow unworthy of commanding another humans’ affections, like being single makes you invalid somehow. Valentine’s day, you feel is a cruel torture. A virtual spotlight is shining on you and you feel like everyone is talking about poor you. As the receptionist walks by your desk a dozen times with bunches of a dozen roses bound for someone else in the office, you blush each time thinking it’s another reminder for everyone that they aren’t for you.
The truth? Valentine’s Day is an empty Hallmark event
Operating a dating agency in Ireland gives me a great opportunity to learn all about what motivates people in their search for relationships. I’ve spoken to thousands of clients about their struggles on the dating scene and although, as a matchmaker, I am theoretically an ambassador for romance, I’ve learned that Valentine’s Day is simply an empty Hallmark event. It does little to improve relationships – if anything, it causes agitation and aggravation when either party’s expectations aren’t met.
For most that are in a relationship, it’s a necessary evil where they are forced to eat bad food elbow to elbow in crammed restaurants, and to the more shallow it’s an opportunity to demonstrate how loved they are with public displays of affection. Happy couples are romantic on a regular basis in the ways that count – not in the red rose/kinky lingerie/over-priced restaurant way that Valentine’s propagates.
Some of your attached friends would far rather your life than theirs
The bottom line is that if you are single there are over a million other people in the same boat. Being single is a far better situation to be in than trapped in an unhappy relationship (which is a lot more common than you would think). At least you are available to meet the man or woman of your dreams and not faced with a barrier of emotional turmoil trying to detangle yourself from a bad partnership. You can also be sure that you have quite a few attached friends that will be busy faking it through 14 February that would far rather have your life than theirs.
Valentine’s is one day, and nobody else is noticing your discomfort with it. Enjoy your status and take advantage of your freedom while you have it. There is a joy in not having to answer to anyone but yourself, and it should be embraced. As and when you’re ready to meet someone, then put a plan in place for achieving that goal – whether it’s frequenting the best singles bar, online dating sites or a dating agency – know that once you set your mind to it, you will meet someone with the right effort. Being single is a choice, not an affliction – despite how smug married couples around Valentine’s might make you feel.
Rena Maycock is the Director and Co-Founder of Intro Matchmaking.
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