THE CHILDREN’S RIGHTS Alliance this week called for the government to introduce a complete ban on slapping children. Some parents are possibly now panicking at the thought of a total ban on smacking being introduced in Ireland – sure what’s wrong with the odd slap on the legs to stop your child misbehaving?
What we need now is help for parents so that they can learn ways to challenge misbehaviour and discipline children without using slapping or smacking. I believe that smacking is wrong and doesn’t teach your child how to behave – it simply hurts them and teaches them that it is okay to use physical violence to get what you want.
In our parenting classes we place great emphasis on getting the balance right between positive parenting and discipline. Positive parenting is about spending quality time with your children, playing with them, reading stories, chatting and listening to them. This builds a strong a positive connection with them and shows that attention is given in a positive way and not simply when they misbehave. It is vital that parents set aside time and effort to give this positive attention to children.
Remember, however, that there has to be a balance between positive parenting and discipline. Children need rules and boundaries to help them to behave well and to help them to feel safe. Discipline should be positive.
Positive discipline is about teaching your child how to behave. Rather than simply giving out to or smacking your child, you should teach them the behaviour that you want. Don’t tell them what you don’t want – tell them and encourage them to behave in the way that you do want. Try changing some of your negative instructions to positive instructions. For example, instead of saying “don’t start fighting with each other today kids”, try “Why don’t you both find a game that you enjoy together and play that”.
Imagine you got a new job and the list of instructions you were given where all negative – ‘don’t be late’, ‘don’t take too long for lunch’, ‘don’t spend all day on the internet’ and so on. It seems ridiculous, I know – as we are usually told what time to be at work, what time to take lunch and for how long, if internet access is allowed what is the acceptable time and so on. For our children it is the same – rather than giving them a list of what they shouldn’t do and expecting them to figure out what to do instead, we need to clearly explain what our rules are and teach them the behaviour that we want.
So what do I think of the government’s proposal to ban smacking? I totally agree that children should not be slapped and that there are more positive ways to teach children how to behave. However, should the government look at getting the balance right here too? Instead of telling parents ‘don’t smack your children’ (telling us what we can’t do) can this be reframed into what they want us to do instead (teaching us what we should do)?
That is where I feel there is an imbalance in the system. Parents need help and support in the most important job they will ever do – parenting! There are parenting courses available to help parents to learn skills and techniques to be the best parents possible, but are there enough courses? Are they available to parents at a time and location that makes it easy for parents to access? Is there any funding to help parents to attend private classes if they cannot avail of free classes?
The balance between telling parents what they can’t do (ie smack children) and telling parents what they can do instead (supporting parenting training) needs to be carefully managed.
Children need boundaries and rules, parents need support and training and our society needs to make this type of training widely available to parents. There is also another benefit of ensuring that parents get good support and training – intervening where the parents themselves may have been poorly parented can help to break the cycle of poor parenting leading to poor behaviour and could save the state millions in dealing with the problems of young offenders in society.
Yes, we should ban smacking of children – it is absolutely wrong and a child should never have to endure physical pain at the hands of a parent. However, the government need to give support and help to parents by teaching them what to do instead.
Martina Newe is director of www.HelpMe2Parent.ie who provide parenting courses and support for every step of parenting. Classes range from Antenatal & Newborn Care, Parenting all age groups, Parenting After Separation or Divorce, Self Development For Teenagers and in-school and community services. Help Me To Parent use the award winning Parents Plus Programmes for courses. Martina also offers private coaching and is a fully trained Family Mediator.
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