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IN THE LEAD-UP to Valentine’s Day, we will inevitably be bombarded with images of ideal romance. From TV and film to music and celebrity culture, you simply cannot escape the deluge of love – with grand gestures, public proposals and love-conquers-all attitudes.
On the surface, this all seems like a rose-tinted, heart-shaped dream. But when you take a cold, hard look at the behaviours pop culture endorses as “romantic”, one has to ask – is it stalking disguised as romance?
While pop culture has typically taught us that you never give up trying to win over (or win back) the object of your affections, unwanted romantic gestures are a sign of unhealthy behaviour and could be categorised as stalking.
Stalking isn’t always a stranger just following their victim around. Stalking is any repeated behaviour(s) that are fixated, obsessive and unwanted. It could be anything from continuous text messaging to sending inappropriate gifts. The sinister nature of these intentional actions can have a detrimental impact on victims/survivors.
One clear example of stalking in TV is from the popular television series “You”. This show, which is now at the beginning of its fourth season, follows the actions of stalker and killer Joe (Penn Badgeley).
Chillingly enough, the character of Joe has reached internet-heartthrob status, with users on TikTok creating videos imagining Joe’s internal monologue as he watches them from afar.
Oftentimes, pop culture endorses stalking behaviour in the most covert of ways – such as in the “You love me, you just don’t know it yet” subset of romantic comedies.
Typically, the story goes that a non-threatening romantic hero aims to win over (or win back) his true love through the means of some slightly surrealist methods (like time travel, or 24-hour amnesia).
If these films are brought down to their simplest elements, one finds a man manipulating the ‘object of his affection’ into falling for him. This is all in the pursuit of “true love” because in his mind, they are perfect for each other – she just doesn’t know it yet.
In “About Time”, the cute and bumbling Domhnall Gleason uses his ability to travel back in time to re-do his first interaction with Rachel McAdams. Despite a few missteps, he eventually learns enough about her (from their several re-lived interactions and by following her around) to present himself as her ideal man and sweep her off her feet.
In “Groundhog Day”, the curmudgeonly Bill Murray similarly relives the same day repeatedly. In so doing he learns as much as he can about Andie McDowell so he can manipulate her into sleeping with him. Eventually, he falls in love with her, making his efforts to win her over all the more pure and heroic.
Another way in which popular media can subtly (or not so subtly) endorse stalking behaviour is by depicting the stalker as a “protector”, watching over their (usually female) love interest, unbeknownst to her.
However, much like About Time and Groundhog Day, little or no focus is given to the women who are being followed and watched without their knowledge. Of course, it makes for a great story!
However, we need to remember that young people watching these movies may well look at the superhero protagonists as role models and can grow up believing that following their love interests around in order to “protect them” is how you show love.
While calling out the stalker-ish elements in these romantic comedies and superhero films might seem like needless nit-picking, the women in these stories don’t have any agency – they are being followed, monitored and controlled by some guy who, in most cases, they don’t even know.
Not only that, in Groundhog Day and About Time the romantic heroines have the entire trajectory of their lives altered by the hero without their knowledge, consent or input.
What we are left with is a myriad of romantic comedies telling young men that it’s ok to manipulate the women they love, because their intentions are pure.
The main issue is that with everyone being, hopefully, the heroes of their own story – it makes it more difficult to recognise the difference between what pop culture says is romantic, and behaviour that is manipulative, controlling, obsessive or even abusive.
Here in Ireland, a stand-alone stalking offence has recently been approved by the government and will be enacted by summer. Stalking is currently being prosecuted under the 1997 Harassment legislation, which is vague and outdated. The new legislation will allow people who are being stalked to apply for civil protection orders.
Although there is some overlap between stalking and harassment behaviours, it is important to note that the intentions behind the two are often different.
It is vital that our laws include language that reflects people’s experiences. Glamourising stalking in rom-coms may seem innocent, but it has a real world impact on how we understand consent, healthy relationships, and abuse in our own lives.
Alexandra Black, Eva O’Byrne, Eve McDowell, and Dr Caroline West are part of the Active* Consent team. Find out more at consenthub.ie
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Be fair to all the victims. Springhill, Dublin/Monaghan, disappeared, the Finiucan family etc etc not this a la carte to dull a poll when someone you don’t like does well Kenny.
You are 100% right , we should be fair to all the victims, There should be no difference between the victims of
“Springhill, Dublin/Monaghan, the Finiucan family etc ” and the disappeared- So I take it you agree the disappeared deserve a proper funeral and there relatives like the relatives of the Springhill, Dublin/ Monaghan and the Finucane’s deserve an opportunity to grieve and get a sense of closure.
Ignoring the disappeared or their families effort should not be an a la cart method simply because the truth is unpalatable or one doesn’t like Enda.
Mick, If Enda was serious about caring, he would be making calls for a public Truth and Reconciliation forum.
But as usual, Kenny, FG, FF, Labour only cares about things that might make him look good and help their poll ratings versus what the right thing to do is.
Of course everyone on the Island would like to see the disappeared return to their families.
I would also like to see the Governments who imprisoned families of Dublin/Monaghan family survivors stand up and explain to the Irish people why they feel it right to intermittently put family members of the deceased into over night Garda detention every so often (on the whim of the sitting Minister for Justice). The last time it happened was only two years ago. Nobody in the press had the courage to report on it.
It sickens me to see Kenny, Miceal Martin and Gilmore feign support for these victims when they clearly couldnt give a damn about them and only use selected victims as ‘Political footballs’ :(
Like i have mentioned many times, if you are serious about wanting to support victims, then have the courage to support the calls for an internationally run ‘Truth and Reconciliation Forum’
There is never never a hierarchy of victims. Closure is a debatable concept borrowed from America. That aside most I hope want justice first and foremost. The Finiucans for example deserve a lot more than an opportunity to grieve and a sense of closure. I’d guess justice and truth would would deliver a lot more. Mr Kenny is captain of the ship with the power if he so chooses to selectively use it to F.G.’s ends then let him shoulder the fall out. All the victims deserve equal effort. Enda is ignoring many family’s of all said victims.
I will be honest I haven’t even read this article, as judging by the title it’s just another one of the smoke and mirror articles put out by the government on a weekly basis to detract from the real issues the economy. I’m currently living 5000 miles from my wife and family, due to the policies of FG, tax tax and more tax. I just finished a Skype call with my wife, who told me the local Gala, owned by a family friend is closing, I asked why? The owner apparently was struggling like everyone else but did his best to stay open and employ three locals, (village in the sticks), however due to the overwhelming new taxes including the crazy rates he has been left with no alternative but to close. Add four more to the dole que.
5,000 miles away. On the moon are you?
I will be honest I did not read your post but I imagine it is one of those “what about’ comments.
He might as well be on the moon for all the good Kenny and his government are doing.
If he was on the moon Egg, he’d be a cool 390,000km away, not 5000miles.
Touché
As expected the propaganda machine of Pauric and Egg, the Secret Service for the Fianna Fraud, Fine Gael, Labour cartel and the British MI5. Their fear and worst nightmare is truth!
So have the family’s under your spineless leadership
Hand back the keys kenny
I disliked your comment because it equated the loss that these families have faced and the not having closure to something which has a monetary value. Loosing a relative doesn’t have a monetary value, not knowing anything about their loss magnifies that loss quite significantly, one would imagine.
@ wander arch
I appreciate anybody who voices there opinion with honesty and integrity ..fair play & point taken
Families are suffering under this FG /Labour government,Stop trying to distract from the huge burden on families today because of Kenny and Co.
Is there any topic dat this man won’t cling onto just to shift focus from the economy
Oh the Shinners won’t like that. Prepared to be inundated! Somebody needs to check if the Americans are trying out mind control, piggy backing on the signal from the Journal. Regular contributors on here are beset by amnesia, presumably a side effect of the US’s cunning plan. Some can’t remember the last Government. Lets call them Soldiers of Destiny and others can’t remember 25 years of murder, bombings and robberies. Lets just call them Soldiers. They also use a lot of ink cartridges.
So I take it ye don’t like sinn fein Egg, no?
@Egg Mcmuffin
So you support a government that drives ordinary people into the ground with poverty by tax after tax in the name of fairness as the TDs live in luxury, You mus have a your head so far up your own A*s it would baffle science.
Irish brain-You’re asking me if I support a Government that has reduced the interest we paid on excruciating debt left by the last catastrophic Government, who have reduced our overall debt in real terms, who have got us back onto the open financial markets, who are about to pull us out of the bailout and restore our economic sovereignty, who have firmly put the Catholic Church in its place, who have restored our international reputation and who have tackled the Magdalene and Abortion issues which the last Government ran away from for 15 years? Yes. Yes I do. But then I’m not a whiney malcontent deluded enough to expect a magic wand solution to the nation threatening problems this country has in 2 years, like so many on here are.
You are obviously one of these people thats happy to see others made destitute to achieve your own goals just like this despot government , As for economic sovereignty at what cost to the ordinary people may i ask, Not to mention bailing out bondholders without any need to do so ect,ect . As far as reputation is concerned Kenny and Co have Zero just read the FG election program for government or the Beno.
Yeah, the bondholders were paid for no reason at all. It wasn’t a condition of our bailout. The Government did it because they reckoned there were votes in it. Cop yourself on, would you?
ECT or electroconvulsive therapy is used by psychiatrists to treat certain disorders. I have no idea how you can justify mentioning this in your post.
My comment about ECT was meant for TheIrishBrain.
Well it hasn’t done much for you, O Laighin.
Good one.
Egg, we’re in “RECESSION” which spells economic decline, what are you mumbling on about…..you Fine Gael sewer-mouth! :)
What about….? The usual parroted responses will follow.
Every murder is wrong, no matter who carried it out.
However what makes some murders more heinous than others is the psychological torture inflicted on those left behind by the fact they don’t have a loved one to bury and bring a sense of closure.
Endas job gives him a broad spectrum to focus on such as from cocking up my families future to pleading with murderers to do the right thing and give over the body, this article focuses on one part of Endas responsibilities yet the death eaters consistently ignore the sufferings of the families and spout crap what about …
Show some compassion,
On a side note- why aren’t the ira and other organisations that “disappeared ” victims paying for the searches?
Mick,
That would bankrupt FF/FG/Labour. They supported the burying of evidence of 34 people murdered in 1 day in one coordinated attack in Dublin/Monaghan. Over 250 people maimed for life, 34 people dead (mostly women).
They have deliberately covered it up to this day. How much would the victims of that attack cost the party’s in terms of reparations? I am guessing that there must be 1000′s pf surviving family members of that atrocity alone at thise stage.
Ends Shut up. FG are the only party not helping and talking to political parties of Northern Ireland moving forward. Instead he brings up these topics all the time. What about his own policies of being a teacher, having his job available when he wants it and being able to claim 2 pensions. So Enda Cop on and do you job and sort out this mess that your banking buddies and FF got us in.
What about files of the disappeared
Enda what about the families who have suffered under you unnecessarily under your austerity regime, all because you are a spineless little coward who couldn’t stand up to the EU. Make them your priority you slime ball.
What about the families who are suffering because of the austerity imposed by years of economic mismanagement by Bertie?
Ask Gerry Adams he knows where all the bodies are buried, he was chief of staff of the IRA!!
Oliver, as the leader of the party you support, most pertinently, ask the leader of the party you support why they deliberately covered up the largest mass murder of the troubles?
Ask them why they locked up some family members of the victims in Garda cells without charges on almost every anniversary since the massacre?
When you answer the last question, i will support your request for answer on your question. I really hate Political partys using the troubles as political footballs.
Oliver, is your Party Hero Charles Haughey guilty of anything in relation to supplying arms to the same IRA that you are so worried about?
Do you see any probs with Miceal Martin curtsying to Her Majesty, when successive Irish Governments pretend to scream and kick that they cant gain access to the MI5 files that lead to the single largest slaughter of innocence during the entire 30 years of the troubles.
Carlsberg don’t do Hypocrisy, but if they did it would probably be based on FF’s two-faced hypocrisy. Seeing as you are so intereted in truth and justice… want to spill the beans on what Moriarrty, Mahon and the future banking inquiries tell us about the wretched sickness that is FF?
Gerry Adams I forgot was never a member of the IRA! Haha
Miceal Martin, the money was just resting in my wifes bank account.
Bertie Ahearne, Miceal Martin has my back.
Brian Cowen, easy target … excuse the pun.
Charles Haughey, the country needs to tighten its belt, while i wear 500 euro shirts, buy myself an Island…
Please FF have changed people. Miceal Martin, Bertie Ahearne and all the previous FF leaders swore it to us.
Party of thieves and the party still continues.
Why do all FF pols look like they’ve had their snouts in the trough for a little too long? It’s a mystery…
Kenny talking about the north just look at what that Muppet and his band of Clowns have done to the Irish People .
have your say