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Stephen Byrne Gregory Dunn/RTÉ

Stephen Byrne Why 9 years after ripping up my results, I went back to do the Leaving Cert...

The Leaving Cert is strange in the sense that it is something we all experience, and yet it’s something that we all seem to try to repress, writes the 2FM presenter.

Stephen Byrne is a 28-year-old radio and television presenter, currently with 2FM, who began working in media during at the start of his Leaving Cert year of 2008. Last year he went back on a personal mission to do the state exams again, to prove something about the system, himself and Ireland’s youth. 

SOMETIMES IT’S NECESSARY to go back to find out who you were to find out who you are right now.

When people heard that I was doing the Leaving Cert again this year for a documentary, the reactions varied – but the one thing that remained consistent was that everyone always brought it back to themselves and their own experiences.

‘I would never do that, it was hell for me,’ or ‘I still have recurring nightmares of my Maths Paper One.’

The Leaving Cert is strange in the sense that it is something we all experience, and yet it’s something that we all seem to try to repress.

I tried so hard that I never even opened by first results… but we’ll get back to that in a minute. 

I’ve always been a big believer in facing your fears to get them under control, even at the expense of other people’s opinions.

I had a crippling fear of heights.

Even an easy journey traversing across the mammoth peaks of Dun Laoghaire shopping centre’s second floor would turn my legs into a substance only consistent with the jelly my nan insisted on serving us with custard every time we visited her.

So I went on multiple skydives.

I spent the first few years of my life living in Australia in constant unease that behind every cupboard, or underneath every toilet seat was a snake trying to plot my demise. So I bought a pet snake. Her name is Miss Hiss, you’d love her. 

So why did the Leaving Cert carry so much haunting memories for me personally?

I spent that year living in fear of who people thought I was and who I didn’t want to be.

I came out about a month before the exams and made life very difficult for my incredible parents. I was angry – angry that I was gay and angry that I didn’t have any true friends. I just wanted to run away.

It’s a time that myself and my parents have locked in the past and never really spoken about. For me, because I was deeply ashamed for so long and, for them, because they never wanted to re-live that stress that I caused them with the anger I held, and how much they worried about me.

It’s often easy to ignore pain, but every wound needs to be healed… leaving it too long only causes more infection.

In the same way, in August 2009, I ran home and shredded my Leaving Cert results because I didn’t want to have to face where that anger had left me standing.

There was nothing in that envelope I didn’t already know about my application and I was so afraid it would make me define parts of who I was. As the years went on and my career progressed, it became somewhat of a novelty to others that I’d never touched them but to me that year followed me around like a ghost waiting to be laid to rest. 

I knew it was the right time to go back last year but not for the reasons others believed.

A free schedule and a sound mind would probably have been an attractive time to begin but I had neither.

For a multitude of reasons, last year was, again, incredibly tough. I had lost an enormous amount of trust, love and motivation within myself and as hard as I tried it wouldn’t shake.

I could only relate the feeling to one other time in my life and that was 2009, that year we’d all locked away.

I went back to understand myself, to destroy the barrier I had put up that separated my adolescence and adulthood, to put myself through hell in hope that on the other side I could find confidence in myself again.

I was afraid to tell anyone how I was truly feeling because they might say I wasn’t fit to complete the task ahead but, in my mind, I was more equipped than anyone.

Leaving Again photo by Gregory Dunn-16 HR Greg Dunn / RTE Greg Dunn / RTE / RTE

Students all across this country are struggling with the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning, the pressures of leading a perfect existence inflicted by a mosaic of distorted lives projected constantly across their scrolling eyes.

They’re creating two minds running parallel, one trying to understand De Moivre’s theorem, the other trying to understand who they are, and what they want from the world.

To talk about what I’ve learned from the year that’s gone is very difficult, do you want facts or do you want observations?

I can tell you everything you don’t need to know about the Paris Basin, or maybe how the youth of this country are something we should all take immense pride in?

They’re progressive, emotionally intelligent and yet living in a world with so many more social pressures than many of us had before.

They live in fear of failing, disappointing themselves and their parents.

Surely they have enough to weigh themselves down already; seriously, you should feel the weight of my school bag.

Anyway, I better go, it’s nearly October and I still haven’t got anything to wear for my debs…

Leaving Again airs tonight, 20 September at 10.15pm on RTÉ One. It is Byrne’s second documentary for RTÉ, previously tackling the issue of homophobia in football.  

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    Mute Ronan Stokes
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    Jun 28th 2014, 7:59 AM

    Have a great day all!!

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    Mute Lang
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:18 AM

    Hope everyone has a fan-bloody-tastic day!!

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    Mute Noble Gas
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:00 AM

    I am the only gay in the….no wait. Have fun everyone!

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    Mute Joanne Champ
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:28 AM

    Have a fantastic day everybody xxx

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    Mute Mike Clinton
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:23 AM

    Happy Pride day folks. This is your day and I hope you enjoy it.

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    Mute Fognostical
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:25 AM

    Enjoy yourselves :-) , as the late Larry Grayson always said “What a gay day!”

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    Mute Maria Dardis
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:43 AM

    Good stuff, fair play to all of you! Have a gteat day. M.

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    Mute kingstown
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:22 AM

    Bet David Quinn and Breda O’Brien will be seething in their pews waiting to scribble down their anti-gay hatred or as they call it -their sincerely held beliefs’

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    Mute John Deegan
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:29 AM

    It’s your day today. Shouldn’t you be happy? I suspect you’re not.

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    Mute Noble Gas
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:31 AM

    It’s all a misunderstanding. They think gay people are a great bunch of lads , but only an invisible man told them that gays were against the natural order of things and shouldn’t have the same rights as straight people. No offence intended – it’s the invisible mans fault really.

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    Mute Danny Rigg
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    Jun 28th 2014, 7:52 AM

    I’m already on the train to Dublin. I hate crowds

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    Mute Mad Taoiseach
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    Jun 28th 2014, 8:01 AM

    Let them March. What harm can be done?

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    Mute Samuel Ista
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:18 PM

    This parade is unsuitable for a city centre in daytime due to the outfits that many of the participants wear. Grown men in leather thongs should not be allowed in public. Personally I find it stomach turning.

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    Mute Jane Travers
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:39 AM

    Anyone know the best spot to watch the parade? I’m dying my hair bright pink in honour of the day that’s in it :)

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    Mute Ailbhe O'Nolan
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    Jun 28th 2014, 11:26 AM

    Woah Jane, nice! Good on ya

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    Mute Jane Travers
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    Jun 28th 2014, 11:45 AM

    Any excuse really, Ailbhe. It was blue and green last week ;)

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    Mute George Hogan
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:58 PM

    @jane
    Bet you’ll look stunning Jane! Happy Pride all. Looking forward to a great day. Get involved people – share the love!
    @ Ailbhe – have a great day, even if you can’t make Pride this year! Great news about your grandparents. Older people are great and can really surprise sometimes!

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    Mute Jane Travers
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    Jun 28th 2014, 2:22 PM

    George, what a lovely positive thing to say! I’m not sure you belong on the Journal ;)

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    Mute Cian O Donoghue
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:26 AM

    How many letters are they going to end up with??

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    Mute significantrisk
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:48 AM

    As many as it takes until “people” includes everyone equally.

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    Mute Cian O Donoghue
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    Jun 28th 2014, 11:07 AM

    Maybe just call themselves people then. No need to differentiate from anybody any other way inclined?

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    Mute Carcu Sidub
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:58 PM

    Anybody else find it unusual that the parade got routed across Butt Bridge?

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    Mute George Hogan
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    Jun 28th 2014, 1:12 PM

    Eh, no!

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    Mute Joe The Man
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:09 AM

    Looks like fun!!

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    Mute Stevie J
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:39 AM

    What does the Q stand for in LGBTQ?

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    Mute roryboyle
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    Jun 28th 2014, 9:55 AM

    Queer, men that sleep with men but do not consider themselves gay.

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    Mute Patrick Varley
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:00 AM
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    Mute Patrick Varley
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:02 AM

    It stands for “questioning” surely…

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    Mute Patrick Varley
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:05 AM
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    Mute Jane Travers
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    Jun 28th 2014, 10:38 AM

    It’s “questioning” not queer.

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    Mute Stevie J
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:08 PM

    Cheers

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    Mute Taxi Bill
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    Jun 28th 2014, 11:56 AM

    Enjoy the party, because probably in less than 50 years you probably wont be able to have one at all. As radical Islam occupies much of Europe their tolerances of ANYTHING different (cartoons) gets met with a bullet at the back of the head. (lets face it how many pride festivals are there in Saudi for example) Even now we see “women” and children (not men mind you! ) in Ireland covered from head to toe in black and people hardy bat an eyelid. LGBTQ people fought long and hard for the freedoms you have, well enjoy them while you can!!

    Of course that could NEVER happen in Ireland????

    Well add a little section of the parade to pass by the Mosque in Clonskea and see the reaction.

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    Mute Michael Fallon
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:14 PM

    Down with this type of thing

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    Mute Sheldon Sheridan
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    Jun 28th 2014, 2:36 PM

    40,000 in Dublin? PinkNews is saying there’s 20,000 at London’s Pride today. If the figures are correct, I’m thrilled.

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    Mute Mad Taoiseach
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    Jun 28th 2014, 7:19 PM

    12,488 showed up.

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    Mute Samuel Ista
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    Jun 28th 2014, 12:15 PM

    This parade is unsuitable for a city centre in daytime due to pretty nasty and very sexual outfits that many of the males wear. Men in leather thongs or hotpants, it’s disgusting and perverted and doesn’t encourage respect from straight folk like me. These adult men and women obviously have a twisted sense of their place in society and relish the opportunity to parade their perversion. I guess the vast majority of mature, intelligent, and self respecting gay people stay home today and are very embarrassed by the freaks who claim to represent their sexuality.

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