LITTLE ELSE THAT happened this week is going to top the Rose of Tralee for unique Irish absurdness, but I’m all Rosed out, having already written about that at length, and discussed it in this week’s episode of The Explainer.

I have watched a livestream of Daithí Ó Sé pretending to get his legs waxed (possibly without his knowledge), I have shared a hotel restroom urinal with a March of the Penguins-worth of tuxedo-wearing escorts, and I learned a valuable lesson about what it means to be a modern Irish woman. I’ve said all I have to say about Tralee until next year, at the very earliest.

But if there is one thing that can be counted on from the kingdom to the capital, it’s that we will put on a pageant for tourists whenever we get the chance. In Dublin this week, no fewer than 40,000 Americans have arrived to watch Notre Dame take on the US Navy in a game of American football, an event that will be accompanied by a military flyover, the docking of a gargantuan warship, and the rare closure of some of Dublin city’s busiest roads. 

Some have expressed displeasure at Dublin City Council going so far out of its way for American tourists, but ask yourself: when was the last time you spent upwards of €200 at a Carroll’s gift shop? When was the last time you wore a Póg Mo Thóin hoodie and queued for an hour to see the Book of Kells? When was the last time you served your country? Rich Americans are the very lifeblood of our economy, our abundant housing supply, and our smooth and efficient public transport. Ha ha ha. 

As if all that wasn’t enough, we have chosen to honour our cross-Atlantic brethren in true American fashion: by increasing the presence of armed police on our streets.

The move has been criticised by some politicians, including still-suspended government TD Neasa Hourigan, who said: “What works in tackling anti social behaviour since time immemorial is community based policing/diversion programs and tackling the root causes of deprivation and drug use.”

The plans obviously come on the heels of several high-profile assaults in Dublin city centre – many of which have targeted tourists. 

There are many who will not exactly be comforted by the idea that they will be sharing the streets with other human beings especially trained to use lethal force. It is no reflection on the skills of the Gardaí simply to note that there is an inexhaustible catalogue of international incidents we can refer to in which lethal force has been misused. It is, quite intuitively, nigh-on impossible to use lethal force in a way that is appropriate. 

Putting more guns on the street amid a heightened sense of danger and vague civilian demands that “something be done” seems to ignore the humanity at play across the board. 

What works in tackling anti social behaviour since time immemorial is community based policing/diversion programs and tackling the root causes of deprivation and drug use. What we're being offered?.... 'armed officers, riot police and dog units'. https://t.co/bJ1sR9CcXJ

— Neasa Hourigan TD (@neasa_neasa) August 22, 2023

To many, it will feel like little more than a bandaid plastered over the wound, with the additional caveat that this particular bandaid can potentially fill you with hot lead. No, it’s not a pleasant idea, but I feel confident in pulling out my big ‘Surreal’ rubber stamp on this one. I could also get out the stamp for a former US president being arrested for the fourth time and the suspicious death of Wagner Group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin, but we are inured to such things by now.

Moving swiftly along, let us turn our attention back to the man who has provided so much of the juice for this column since it began back in May: Mr Ryan Tubridy.

His latest contributions to the form commenced on Wednesday with a video of the seafront to Instagram, soundtracked by Fleetwood Mac’s Don’t Stop, alongside the caption: “A new dawn, a new day, a new beginning. Stay tuned for more…” This came amid rumours that he’s received an offer from GB News – the “opinion-oriented” British broadcaster which boasts such hosts as Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg, crying into their crumpets about all things woke. There has been no indication that Tubridy is set to accept this role, and – no matter how annoying you may find him – it would certainly be quite the turn up for the books if he did. 

He quickly followed this up with a message to Leaving Cert students in which he took on the guise of a spiritual guru, saying: “It’s something in the cosmos, the universe, nudging you somewhere where you weren’t expecting to be. Now take it from somebody who knows about this a little bit. The old guy.” Well, at least he’s not sitting around feeling sorry for himself. 

Lastly, there was a muted (a polite way of saying furiously disappointed) reaction by many this week to the revelation that the much-touted, blurred-out secret act for next week’s Electric Picnic festival is none other than omnipresent Irish rock band The Script.

The Script undeniably have some bangers (sue me), but they are not really worthy of the “secret announcement” treatment.

If you were to ask anyone between the ages of 18 and 65 to blindly guess who was on the line-up for any Irish music festival, it’s fair to say that The Script would be one of the most prominent guesses – behind, perhaps, The Coronas, but probably ahead of Nile Rodgers. 

It’s the music festival equivalent of Ryan Tubridy hinting that he has a top secret project in the works only for it to be a podcast about books and John F Kennedy and being unfairly cancelled. I have no insider information, that’s just a guess.

A very good guess.