IRELAND IS IN dire need of unlikely heroes. 

As Simon Harris prepares to become Ireland’s next Taoiseach by camping out in the Dáil canteen, schmoozing his allies and presumably promising to shout out Independent TDs on his TikTok, some other left-wing voices have stepped into the fold.

Just this week, former Ireland footballer Kevin Kilbane responded to a report suggesting that a United Ireland could run a deficit of €20 billion per year for 20 years by proposing that the United Kingdom offset this cost by paying reparations. Kilbane cited examples of North American countries who have paid similar compensation “to indigenous people/First Nations communities for crimes committed against them”.

Firstly, you are thinking of the correct Kevin Kilbane. Missed a penalty in the shootout against Spain in the last-16 of the 2002 World Cup. Had a knife thrown at him by some Georgian fans. We used to call him “Zinedine”, as a joke.

It is a comfort to know that there is still somebody out there standing up for Ireland. Sure, you wouldn’t necessarily turn to him in a crisis (the Spain thing), but the sentiment is extraordinarily heartening. Born and raised in England, he’s like our new Roger Casement, if Casement had spent time at Wigan Athletic. 

Sorry, when I said “left-wing” earlier, I was doing a joke that hopefully by now has paid off.

Billions in settlements from North American countries have been paid to indigenous people/First Nations communities for crimes committed against them, along with cultural suppression over centuries! So surely Britain has to foot the bill? https://t.co/1PMmulkI5D

— Kevin Kilbane (@kdkilbane77) April 4, 2024

The idea of reparations from the United Kingdom feels fanciful, not least because we’re currently suing them, but the very thought was a much-needed spirit-raiser.

This was a week when Irish people could be forgiven for feeling downtrodden. The final nail in the cost-of-living coffin was hammered into place when journalist Adrian Weckler shared a photograph of Tayto Smokey Bacon crisps on sale for €1.90 in a Spar on Dublin’s O’Connell St.

€1.90 for 37g. A good potato weighs at least five times that much. How many crisps even is that? Twelve?  And we’re not even talking about specialist crisps here. None of the ingredients need to be hunted. Tayto’s parent company Intersnack posted profits of €95.65 million at the end of 2022. In 2018, the average cost of a bag of Tayto was €0.85, meaning the price seen in Spar represents more than a 100% increase in six years.

Besides, who would knowingly pay that much for a small bag of Tayto? The only possible explanation for someone being willing to part with nearly €2 for a few paltry flakes of Salt & Vin is that they’ve reached the counter without checking the price and are now too polite or embarrassed to back out of the deal. 

The Tayto revelation follows hot on the heels of a fresh announcement by Guinness-owner Diageo that the price of their pints would be going up by 6c. This latest price hike follows two similar price hikes in 2023. Diageo’s operating profit to six-month period ending in December 2023 was $3.3 billion, but in fairness to them, that was down 11% on the previous six months, so. You can see where they’re coming from.

The aggregate increase in the cost of living over the last few years perhaps strikes hardest when experienced through the prism of everyday comforts and cultural touchstones such as pints and crisps. Against these economic circumstances, it’s easy to see how Irish people might be feeling especially alienated. Over the past few years, Ireland has been buffeted by rising rents, fuel costs and unprecedented jumps in the price of ordinary groceries. No longer is it necessary to warn friends going on holiday to Switzerland or Iceland how expensive it is. We are living it now.

Betrayed now by even our own products, the products we’ve championed for years. Going over to Australia and Boston and Vancouver and making a big fuss about how we have the best tea, and the best butter, and the best crisps, and the best pints? All that free advertising, and for what? 

Irish people are inherently accustomed to being trampled over by landlords and insurance companies and heating bills, but Mr Tayto shouldn’t be making us feel poor. His smile should be one of welcome and warmth, not a twisted rictus of mockery.

Country’s finished pic.twitter.com/Xzi1qdLy3s

— Adrian Weckler (@adrianweckler) April 3, 2024

Not far away from where these accursed Smokey Bacon are on sale (does the smoke come from burning €100 bills?), a different type of alienation is taking place. The redesign of Temple Bar’s square is underway, and so far it is looking flat, and grey, and lifeless. 

Let’s be clear: Temple Bar has been a hellhole for a very long time, nobody is disputing that. But even a hellhole needs a sense of character, especially if you’re going to be paying up to €10 for a pint. The whole point of Temple Bar is that it is rubbish in a way that is at least unique to Ireland. If it becomes boring, it simply becomes the kind of kip you can see anywhere in the world.

The progress in Temple Bar is parallel to the plans to modernise the St Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre. Plans which would serve to make it look like the kind of building that could be on the front of an architecture brochure. Sparkly and shiny, but a bit soulless. 

The proposed new look sorely lacks the character of the current design: a weird greenhouse facade perfect for the kind of shopping centre where you have to pay to use the jacks and they still have a shop for Ireland’s goth population on the top floor. A petition to halt that redesign has 15,752 signatures on Change.org. Nevertheless, the €100 million project, authorised last year by Dublin City Council, is slated to go ahead.

Irish people feel a keen ownership over the architecture of their towns and cities, the things they eat and drink, and of course, the social and economic trajectory of their country. Those seeking a reversal of Ireland’s current course are crying out for a hero. Maybe Zinedine has a little bit more left in the tank.