LAST WEEK’S FLURRY of parliamentary chaos demanded a refractory period in which post-Dáil clarity could set in amongst TDs as well as those of us watching on in horror from the comfort of our desks.

And what better way to do that then to remind ourselves what the people of Ireland care least about in the whole world and have ourselves a nice little Seanad election. That’s right, a democratic process we care about so little that we don’t even bother giving everyone the right to vote in it. And let’s face it, even if we were all eligible, we still wouldn’t care about it all that much.

One of the very few exciting things about Seanad elections is the mystery you can evoke by bragging about being eligible to vote in one. Maybe you went to a certain university, or maybe you sit on one or more of the five vocational panels that gets to elect 43 of the 60 senators for some reason. Who’s to say? And hey, if the Seanad is so stupid, then how come we voted to keep in a landslide margin of 51.7% to 48.2 in 2013? Nearly 40% turned out to vote in that referendum! Could just very slightly more than half of them be wrong?

With the best will in the world, this time next week the Seanad will be mostly forgotten and we’ll be back snout-first into the trough of Dáil business. And personally, I am hoping they start with the People Before Profit plan for two more bank holidays each year.

If this is a ploy to target the kind of voters who love sleeping late and live their lives in much the same way as Garfield from the beloved comic strip ‘Garfield’, then I speak on behalf of us all when I say: well played. Throw in a dressing gown, a rocking chair, some slippers and a bike shelter that costs a normal amount and these PBP folks might just get somewhere. 

In all seriousness, Ireland actually does lag behind its European counterparts when it comes to public holidays (Iceland has 16 to our ten), though we would likely have to come up with our own justifications (I just checked Belgium’s as a cross-reference and it does not make sense for us to co-opt ‘Flemish Holiday’ or ‘French Community Day’). Cyprus has some nice ideas, however, such as their Culture and Literacy Day on May 24. Though in Ireland, given our own cultural pastimes, we might as well name the day in honour of vying for Dáil speaking time.

One suspects that there may be a few more hurdles to clear before we reach those dizzying Icelandic heights. For starters, we still don’t have a final decision who is allowed to talk in Dáil Éireann and for how long. Perhaps next week will finally be the week we’ll learn whether Michael Lowry and the Four Seasons will sit with the government they are propping up or an opposition who wants nothing whatsoever to do with them.

The latest parliamentary gymnastics we’re being asked to perform involves referring to Lowry and co. as an “informal technical grouping of unaligned members,” which is a really unwieldy way of saying “in government”. Though, with a record 23 junior ministers named during the week, it’s easy to see how the remaining untitled TDs would feel left out. Even so, the informal technical grouping of unaligned members are more than missing the point if they believe that last week’s shemozzle had anything to do with what Michael Lowry, Barry Heneghan, Danny Healy-Rae and Gilliant Toole are calling themselves. 

They could start wearing different coloured masks and calling themselves by the names of renaissance artists but that won’t make them the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles any more than any jumbling of the words ‘regional,’ ‘independent,’ ‘technical’ and ‘group’ will turn them into legitimate members of the opposition. 

“The mood music is not good…The truth is we went backwards.”

No progress from the meeting of the Dáil reform committee today on the speaking rights row.

TD Paul Murphy says what is needed now is for the party leaders and group coordinators to meet.

⁦@thejournal_ie⁩ pic.twitter.com/TrRzwH0EIw

— Jane Matthews (@janeematthews) January 31, 2025

Perhaps what is most bemusing about this state of affairs is how hard its would-be beneficiaries are trying to pretend that it’s normal for four TDs who have agreed to vote with the government for the next five years to also receive opposition speaking time despite how patently ludicrous that sounds. That’s what government speaking time is for! It’s all inverted but in a predictable way, sort of like a sentence rendered by Judge Martin Nolan.

Somehow we’ve ended up in a parallel universe where, rather than the government justifying why these four TDs should be allotted opposition speaking time, it’s up to the real opposition to explain why that’s wrong, or in other words, why opposition speaking time should not be used by TDs who have formally agreed to not oppose the government. 

And boy, they’re still really going for it too. Soc Dems Deputy Leader Cian O’Callaghan called it “stroke politics,” which is sadly not as saucy as it sounds upon first hearing. Sinn Féin have called it “charade,” Paul Murphy has called it “a dirty deal” and Labour have called it “frustrating”. Those are pretty strong words when you consider that they’ve had a whole week to get it out of their system.

If the Dáil resumes next week without a resolution — and to be clear, there is only one fair resolution and it’s for the Ninja Turtles to accept that they are supporting the government and will have to make do with sharing backbencher speaking rights — then there is no doubt whatsoever that the chaos will kick off once more and that the public will be left waiting even longer to see the business of the nation actually attended to by those who are paid to do so. 

It is not easy to be generous about this spectacle. It is not easy to be charitable about this sideshow which continues to elevate the profile of those who are embroiled in it, keeping them in the warm limelight of the news cycle for as long as possible — invaluable currency for Independents. 

Ultimately, the Dáil should serve as much more than a platform for those who are overly concerned with giving speeches. Maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t get rid of the Seanad after all.