I WRITE THIS from The Bunker (you know where, wink wink). All is in readiness.

But, my fellow Feminazis, they are on to us. The only surprise is how long it has taken those of such Superior Intellect and Understanding to discover our takeover plans and that their very superi­ority – and therefore self-worth – is under attack. By us. Just ’cos. For we are awful. (As you know, Being Awful is Point 1 in the Feminazi Manifesto.)

How do we know they are onto us? They are angry. Just look at all the tweets and thinkpieces hurtling at us, smug and fast. Make sure you’re ready to duck at all times, like we practised at Secret Feminazi Bootcamp. If a thinkpiece lands right, it could take your eye out.

Choice of title

Perhaps, in hindsight, ‘Feminazi’ wasn’t the most sympathetic choice of title, but the Superiors came up with it so it must be right. They are right about so much, but WE MUST NOT LET ON THAT THEY ARE.

Like how we made rape culture up: we are playing a seriously long game on this one, by letting ourselves get assaulted and having the judicial system pretend it’s all a laugh. On top of this, no one known to Superiors looks like a rapist. Rapists, as we all know, are distinguishable by their humps, stovepipe hats, snarling expressions, great mutton chop facial hair and dark alley-dwelling habits.No one’s seen one of these for decades, so rape is obviously makey-uppy, just as stats show many Irish people believe consent to be.[1]

Perhaps the most despicable part of our despicable plan is making people aware of the threat we feel much of the time, backed up by facts. So evil. And, as Being Evil is Point 2 on the Feminazi Manifesto, let’s call this progress.

We are not victims

The Superiors are also right to say we are not victims: when something bad happens to us we are, in fact, ‘people-to-whom-something-has-happened-but-if-the-Superiors-didn’t-do-it-personally-or-see-it-happen-then-stop-being-so-dramatic-and-shut-up’. We’re just not grateful enough for them, or something, whatever. But letting them focus on what they perceive to be our victimhood suits our cause perfectly.

Blinded by Superior Intellect and Much Thinking, they miss our many traps. Like how their repeatedly opining about our ‘whining’ while doing nothing to change anything is actually whining! Crying victim, you might say! Ironic. (‘Irony’ seems to be a word with which they struggle. Henceforth, let irony be our code.)

They seem to think this is all about holding doors open or mad things like that. Let them be distracted by this as tiny kittens are by yarn. Of course, we all hold doors open for people of all genders and none, unless we have a boiling hot coffee in hand. We rarely stop and check whether the other person has a penis.

Battleground

But the Superiors tell us doorways are THE MAIN BATTLEGROUND. Stay woke at entrances and exits. And remember, what one Feminazi does is indicative of every single other woman in the world. ALL FEMINISTS HATE ALL MEN. I was just saying this to my husband. We have only not studied Men Hating at Bootcamp because we didn’t think of it. However the Superiors keep saying it so we must relent and include it in our Manifesto. Point 3.

Fellow Feminazis, never let them realise that so many of you are men. For now, the Superiors seem completely unaware of this, even as a possibility. They think feminism is the sole preserve of unreasonable women. Good work, team.

One of our main quests is to have a say in what happens to our own bodies, even though we can’t possibly know what to do with them. When Superiors are not present, we are forever fall­ing down, cutting ourselves on nothing and hurling ourselves into barrels of salt, for some reason.

We would only let autonomy go to our heads and become crazed with it. Like our secret plan to make everyone have compulsory abortions (even though we have literally nothing to gain from that): those of us who have had them want everyone to enjoy the trauma and extra expense instead of us­ing contraception WHICH ALWAYS WORKS because we are such shits. (Manifesto Point 4.)

Negative for all genders

Last Bootcamp, Jacinta brought up some excellent points. ‘Isn’t there a male suicide epidemic?’ she asked. ‘Don’t men suffer violence too? Aren’t some fathers not granted fair access to their kids?’ Yes, these are true. And though our campaigning tackles the very patriarchal system that creates such negative situations for all gen­ders, we must let them say we don’t care.

That our lady brains can only process one thing at a time, that we only care about things that affect us directly. Us being portrayed simplistically as villains is vital to our cover. Do not blow it, bitches!

Next week’s Secret Feminazi Training Camp will focus on career, which is, of course, being Feminazis. It’s a full-time job for life. The chosen camp biscuits will be the chocolate covered Kimber­ley kind as these are soft, which is a nice balance to our hardness.

Make sure your boots are shiny, thigh-high and hurty.

Yours in thick, whiny, faux-victimhood (god their whining’s getting boring).

Feminazi Flynn.