EACH WEEK IN our series, Am I Being A Bad Parent?, we hear from a reader who can’t figure out what to do about a tricky parenting situation.
To get a balanced view, we put the dilemma to a group of Irish parents, keeping things anonymous to encourage honest answers.
Raising a teenager brings with it a whole new set of challenges: dealing with mood swings, figuring out how much independence is too much, and supporting your kids as they (potentially) discover the world of romantic relationships and sex.
This week, one reader is wondering just how much she should expect her sexually active daughter to open up to her about.
Have a parenting question you’d like some other mums and dads to weigh in on? Let us know anonymously here!
My daughter is 17 and she’s been in a relationship for a few months. I brought up the issue of safe sex with her a few weeks ago, but she brushed me off and said they weren’t at that stage yet. We’ve always had a good relationship and I trust her, but I was cleaning her room the other day and I found a condom wrapper in her bin. I was totally floored. Am I being unreasonable by feeling hurt that she didn’t tell me?
Yes, you are being unreasonable. When you brought it up your daughter probably was not at that stage in her relationship. In bringing up the issue you obviously thought it was going to happen sooner rather than later and at least she seems to have listened to something you said. Did you accidentally find the wrapper or were you looking for it – it might have be planted just to annoy you [unsure whether to include this]
You are definitely being unreasonable. Are you not pleased that she is practicing safe sex as per your advice? Beyond the fact that she didn’t come to you and tell you she was having sex – which, honestly, how many teenagers would? – I just don’t see the downside here. She’s being responsible, you have done your job.
It isn’t unreasonable to feel hurt. It’s only human to be a bit stung when you feel someone has gone behind your back, especially a child you feel you have an open and honest relationship with. But that does not mean you should take the hurt out on your daughter. She hasn’t done anything wrong here: she is practicing safe sex, after all. Wait a week or two and have the conversation again, but remember she’s under no obligation to tell you anything if she doesn’t want to.
You’re absolutely being unreasonable. Your job is done if your daughter is practicing safe sex. If you punish her for doing it under your roof, she’ll probably do it somewhere that’s likely to be a less safe environment. Keep out of it, she’s 17!
You’re not being unreasonable. It’s totally normal to feel a bit hurt that your daughter didn’t share one of the biggest steps in her relationship with you – but would you have told your parents when you were in her situation? Probably not. At the end of the day, it’s her decision and she’s being safe – that’s what matters. Her feelings are the most important here, not yours.
So what’s the final tally? Is this reader being unreasonable?
No – 2
Yes – 3
Tell us your thoughts in the comments! Have a parenting question you want answered? Let us know anonymously in our survey here and we’ll put it to the real-life experts: your fellow mums and dads.
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