EACH WEEK IN our series, Am I Being A Bad Parent?, we hear from a reader who can’t figure out what to do about a tricky parenting situation.
To get a balanced view, we put the dilemma to a group of Irish parents, keeping things anonymous to encourage honest answers.
As your child grows and learns to assert their independence, tantrums will be inevitable. Some outbursts come from frustration at not being able to communicate their needs to you, while some are just part of the process of testing your limits (and their own, too). So what’s the right way to handle a tantrum?
This week, one reader is wondering if she’s making a mistake by giving in to her three-year-old daughter’s meltdowns too quickly.
Have a parenting question you’d like some other mums and dads to weigh in on? Let us know anonymously here!
I’m finding it really hard to discipline my three-year-old. She’s mostly well-behaved, but when she isn’t getting her way she sits and screams until I give in. I think she’d keep going forever if I didn’t stop her. Nothing I’ve tried works, whether I raise my voice or speak calmly and firmly. She gets more upset and works herself up, which is really hard to watch. I know I should be more strict with her, but I usually end up giving in because a) I hate seeing her distressed and b) it’s exhausting for everyone involved when she acts that way, especially when we’re out of the house. Am I being unreasonable by giving in to my child’s tantrums?
No, you’re not being unreasonable. I think my tendency when dealing with a tantrum has usually been to see it as a binary choice; either give in, or start a battle of wills that nobody really wins. But I read some good advice recently that has helped us to deal with our own tantrum-prone three-year-old. The advice was this: in as loving and supportive a way as you can muster, remove your child slightly from the situation. Then say that you are ready to listen to them when they can calm down a little. Repeat as many times as necessary. When they’ve calmed down (and hopefully you have too), it’s usually possible to find a way through. I have no idea whether this is generally applicable, but it’s definitely been helpful for us. If nothing else, it’s a structure that helps to manage your own emotions and stop you losing your temper.
You are being unreasonable. Giving in to your child’s tantrums is definitely not going to work long term. Whatever approach you choose to go with (strict, firm, calm), be consistent, and don’t then change tack after five minutes and give in to her demands. If she knows you’ll give in eventually then yes, she will keep crying until that happens. So stand your ground – although it may be difficult.
I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. No parent wants to see their child upset, never mind as a result of their own doing, but you need to do what’s best for your daughter. Letting her run riot will do her no favours in the future, and I’d imagine that this behaviour will only get more difficult with time if you let it continue. Find a disciplinary method or routine that suits you both and stick with it no matter what.
So what’s the final tally? Is this reader being unreasonable?
Yes – 2
No – 1
Tell us your thoughts in the comments! Have a parenting question you want answered? Let us know anonymously in our survey here and we’ll put it to the real-life experts: your fellow mums and dads.
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