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WINNIE M LI WAS on a visit to Belfast in 2008 when she was raped by a 15-year-old in a park.
Now she and three other women are taking part in a TV3 documentary where they speak openly about their experiences – and the shame and stigma that society can put on people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
Li, who is American, was 29 when she visited Belfast, having been invited there as a George Mitchell Scholar to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement.
While hiking in the Colin Glen Forest Park, she was approached by a 15-year-old, who engaged her in conversation before attacking and then raping her. The teen, Edward Connors, was subsequently jailed for the offence.
“I think it’s important that people realise how prevalent sexual assault and rape is and how there tends to be shame and silence around the issue,” Li tells TheJournal.ie.
“Rape is one of those things you hear about and as a woman you fear having happen to you, but you oftentimes don’t think it’s going to happen to you.”
The incident had a massive impact on her, leading to post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression.
“At the time of the assault I had no idea how long it would take me to recover but I knew straight away I was a different person and I couldn’t do the things I did before my assault,” says Li. People often don’t realise the huge impact and recovery time after a rape or sexual assault, she says.
Participating in the documentary was her way of bringing her story to people, to “make people realise the human side” to rape and sexual assault, but also to make something that would connect other survivors.
“It was important they show the diversity of experiences,” she says of the other women’s stories in the documentary. They include Niamh Ni Dhomnaill, whose ex-boyfriend was found guilty of raping her while she was asleep.
Sexual assault and rape is something that can happen in different circumstances. Mine was the classic stranger rape – maybe that was one reason why it was all over the news. But we know that nine out of ten victims are attacked by someone they know.
After her attack, Li found herself frustrated that people didn’t look beyond the details of what happened. “I was frustrated about [how the] media outlets were so quick to jump on the sensational details but not to explore the longer-term impact of it,” she says now.
“No one is looking at how those crimes affect the victim or the longer-term aspects of it. The longer-term aspects are what make it so much harder to put your life back together and feel welcome in society again.”
Li was very open right away about what happened to her – but she understands why others would keep a rape or sexual assault private.
For some, she says it’s because they don’t want to be judged. “It’s wrong that society should be judging victims,” says Li. “The very definition of [rape] is these are incidents that took place without your consent – you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
She feels that a lot of things have changed thanks to social media, with rape survivors having a wider platform to discuss the issue. “In some ways rapes and assaults are still happening as they have before but because of social media we are reaching a point where more of these stories can be shared from a survivor’s personal point of view,” she says.
“It is the larger culture that is encouraging or enabling crimes like rape to take place and by not holding the perpetrator accountable,” she says.
Returning to Belfast
During the documentary, Winnie Li returned to the location in the park where she was attacked. While the idea came from the filmmakers, Li said she took some time to think about doing this.
Li had been back to Belfast a number of times during research for her novel, Dark Chapter – which was inspired by her experiences – but had not returned to the park. “Returning to Belfast] no longer really upset me but the thought of having to go back to that particular part, that was definitely something new and not something I would have tried to do on my own,” she says.
Though there was no onus on her to go, she says the storyteller in her wanted to return to the park. “I knew that that would be an interesting thing to explore. And the part of me that is a survivor and activist is always trying to move towards some form of resolution,” she says.
It was a difficult return for her, but Li says she is a “fairly bold person”. “On the way to going to Belfast I broke down twice at the thought of having to go there – it was quite distressing. When I was actually there it wasn’t that bad,” she says, putting some of this down to the fact it was a different time of year, and that she wasn’t alone.
The trip also showed her that “the anticipated fear” is actually more” than going through the experience of confrontation and recovery.
Li says that being a survivor of rape or sexual assault means that afterwards you are not sure you can go back to doing things you used to do before. It took a number of years before she could return to hiking, which was “a great joy” of hers.
Reaching out
After her rape, Li sought solace in reading books about the experience of other rape survivors, such as Lucky by Alice Sebold. “Reading those helped me feel that I was not alone,” she says.
“I think one of the worst things about being a victim of this kind of crime is you do feel really lonely and no one else knows what you’re going through,” she says. “That’s the value of having an online community and also the value of seeing another work of art – documentaries or books – where you see other survivors and see what you are going through is not unusual for other survivors.”
Li describes in the documentary how, when she was hospitalised after the attack, the medical staff skirted around the topic of her rape. For her, that was a symptom of a larger societal reluctance in being open about the issue.
“I think there is a tendency, especially in the public realm, for people to look the other way or gloss things over,” she says. For example, she notes that people are more likely to say ‘sexual assault’ than ‘rape’.
“There are reasons for doing this but at the same time it diminishes the horror of what actually happened,” she says, acknowledging that there are different types of sexual assault.
“I was raped in a park. I don’t expect other survivors to automatically use that word. I can see why other survivors use ‘sexual assault’ because there is this shame and fear of saying ‘I was raped’.”
“In some ways as a victim it feels very insulting for people to know that happened to you and not even address it,” she says. “It is almost like they are ignoring the enormity of what happened to you.”
Some people may not know what to do, or how to say the right thing, says Li. “For me I find the silence is insulting – other victims might find it differently,” she says.
Why do we have this fear about what actually happened and this lack of knowledge about how to deal with the victim?
“In some ways it can make it harder for the victims to disclose the truth of what happened to them because they are afraid people will act weirdly,” adds Li. “Until people start speaking up and speaking openly without shame about what happened to them I think it’s always going to perpetuate this fear about discussing rape.”
Li says that it was easy to tell her story – she was sober, it was the middle of the day, it involved a stranger. “There is no way that somebody could have said I was to blame,” she says.
“I’ve had interesting conversations with people, and they have tended to be older men, who said ‘yours was a real rape, but in cases of girls who drink too much [it's different]‘. But that’s rape also,” she says.
Fine, she was out there and she was drinking and having fun – but we all should have the opportunity to do that without having to be worried about being raped. Should I say I should never go hiking again in my life? That is not fair.
The onus shouldn’t be placed on “the victim to go somewhere to not be raped”, says Li – it should be on “potential perpetrators who should be watching their behaviour”.
“Unfortunately we live in a society that is patriarchal. These patriarchal views might say girls shouldn’t behave like that, people need to look after their daughters as we’ve seen with this case,” she adds. “The onus shouldn’t have to be on women to not be drinking, to be making sure they’re always going into safe spaces to avoid being raped. The onus should be on potential perpetrators to not rape or should be on society to raise people to not be rapists.”
Addressing the issue
Li says she believes change is happening, and George Hook’s suspension from Newstalk after his comments on a rape case is an example of that.
“It’s interesting for me as an American living and working in the UK and also spending a lot of time in Ireland, there are cultural differences in the willingness to talk about this issue,” she says.
I think change is definitely happening – it’s gradual though and it’s ultimately going to rely on big changes in policy in terms of how the criminal justice system operates, to really square this circle.
“I think we need more women in policy-making positions and more women in the media portraying this issue to really start challenging things,” says Li, adding that parents need to engage with their children on the issue.
Rape can happen to anyone, says Li. And because of this, it’s important that people can discuss it openly – and that people are willing to listen to people’s stories.
She’s heard from friends who bought her book but told her they couldn’t bring themselves to read it, and was also told that at a recent talk she was giving that some of the male attendees said they couldn’t attend after hearing about the subject matter.
“We really have to shift that unwillingness people have to address the issue,” says Li.
Unbreakable will be broadcast on TV3 at tonight at 10pm, and Thursday 28 September at 10pm.
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As a survivor of sexual abuse the hardest thing to do was to open up about it. It took me 15 years to eventually open up to someone (my current partner) about it. She has been a tremendous support and has helped me through a lot of low points and insecurities.
Unfortunately however, some people are far less receptive to it than others. When the time came to approach my family about it I was labeled a liar and told what happened to me was made up and that it couldn’t be true.
Haven’t spoken to my family in 3 years as a result.
@Onion Knight: Thank you for sharing your story. It is great to hear you have a supportive partner, and I’m sorry your family wouldn’t do that for you. Wishing you all the best.
Rape is a crime. There are no mitigating factors to someone forcing themselves on another person. The circumstances are immaterial, lack of consent is lack of consent. It is the responsibility of us all to ensure there is consent. It really is that simple.
@Mark Andrew Salmon: That’s stating the obvious. How do you stop it happening though?
@lavbeer: I think awareness is a great tool to prevention of accidents and crimes. When I was a child, I was told not to talk to strangers. so the chances of me getting kidnapped where very low, from being aware. But if you’re not aware of potential threats, especially if you’re involved in risky behaviour, there’s allways a change of circumstances turning out bad.
@lavbeer: You’ve had this question answered already. Prevention of sexually based crimes begins with educating all members of society about bodily autonomy, consent, what constitutes a sexually based crime, and the life long consequences for victims. The focus must be shifted from the (potential) victim to the (potential) perpetrator. Anyone of us is capable of committing a sexually based crime. That is the simple reality.
Yeah we know, as hook said, women and men should be careful who they go back to a hotel room with, and be mindful of the risks!! Sadly most rapists are not weirdos as we are lead to believe, but charming guys, so it’s hard sometimes to see red flags.
@Philip Brady:
How d
@Philip Brady:
Clearly you’re crying for attention.
So…
Did you think before posting your ignorant remark?
Did you even read the article?
How does that victim blaming working out for you?
@Dog Eat Fog: i want to make this clear. I do want attention. Hence why I wrote the comment. So are you saying we are not some way responsible for the decisions we make? Theirs no preventive measures one could make to avoid any harm happening them. You were Talking about Mark Humphreys, and his accountability for what he was writing? You don’t have double standards do you?
@Philip Brady:
Really?
Mark Humphrys has published material I would think fall into the category of libel, e.g. publishing of defamatory claims and no justification or evidence supporting those claims.
That said, it has no relevance whatsoever in this case. There is no comparison. There are no parallels to be drawn.
Your questions are further only distracting from the topic, and your original ignorant outburst, but sure:
1. We are all responsible for our own actions.
2. Of course there are preventative measures one could take to avoid harm.
3. Yes, I was talking about Mark and his published mountain of complete rubbish.
4. No, I don’t have double standard.
Now, back on topic.
How does that victim blaming working out for you?
@Philip Brady:
Adding to this:
“You were Talking about Mark Humphreys, and his accountability for what he was writing? You don’t have double standards do you?”
Are you suggesting that rape victims in your view are accountable for being raped?
Thin ice, mister. Thin ice.
@Dog Eat Fog: you love bullet points, 1. Rape should not happen.
2.victims are of course victims, and should have justice, someone who is raped is allways the victim. And I am not in any way blaming them.
3. In some cases, questions must be asked weather the victim could have made some decisions that would have prevented an attack.
4. People need to be aware that their are people out there that want to cause harm.
One question though, when is taking a risky decision make one culpable for what happens? Is my exposing others to risk or extra-ordinary risk unjustified? At what point? Does that then take on a % based responsibility?
@Philip Brady:
Thank you for the clarification.
You’re questioning if a rape victim (in retrospect) could’ve done anything differently to prevent the rape from happening.
The answer is – no.
You’re also questioning when, at what point, a rape victim’s actions make them culpable to the rape.
The answer is – never.
Your questions are the very definition of victim blaming.
To be clear – there is never a shared burden between the rapist and the rape victim. Never.
Maybe you’re exploring the subject for academic purposes or whatnot, but I do sincerely hope that you somewhere understand that you’re effectively engaging in victim blaming, regardless of your motives.
@Dog Eat Fog: @Dog Eat Fog: tell me why so many women tend not to get taxis on there own, especially when they are on a night out? Would it be fair to say they are taking precautionary measures? Or maybe they know there’s some kind of risk involved.
@Dog Eat Fog: maybe if she got a taxi with her friends it would have prevented any assault? Are you suggesting women should let their guard Down? And Not be mindful of risks and go with the flow and let the universe take over. If it’s not clear to you, I’m trying to look for answers in preventing rape, not advocating it.
@Philip Brady:
There seems to be a critical piece of information that you’re either not aware of or omitting in your considerations.
According to publicly available statistics (RCNI), in ~91% of all reported cases (which is all we have to go on, not to speculate) the perpetrator is known to the victim and it’s mostly a family member.
The remaining instances are seemingly random, whereof some may take place late at night in dark places.
This is where you’re logic fails.
You seem to think that by subjecting women to limitations in how they lead their lives and by removing parts of their independence, you might solve the problem.
It doesn’t work that way. It achieves nothing. The change needs to take place in society at large and how we deal with rapists – not how we deal with victims.
@Dog Eat Fog: i agree about the person is known to the victim in most cases, that’s a different issue to what I am talking about. removing parts of their independents” how do you suggesting we stop rapist from raping? How do you deal with a frist time rapist? What’s your solution? Tell women to go out and do what ever the hell they want to, with no consequences, that seems far far more dangerous than what I am proposing.
@Philip Brady:
I don’t have a solution. However, I have this thought -
Let’s stop focusing on the victim in solving the issue. It does not help and it distracts from the problem – the rapists.
Exactly how we solve the problem is more than I can tell, while I can say that far too much energy is spent on victim blaming and on what potential victims should or should not do not to become a victim. As the stats clearly tells you, it does not apply and it does not work. The efforts and discussion must go the other direction.
@Dog Eat Fog: i don’t think you’re gritting what I am saying? Why is it that you think a person (before being a victim) could prevent (some) situations from happening? I think it’s very important part of the discussion actually.
@Philip Brady: I’d be happy if you answered that
@Philip Brady:
Excuse me? I neither say nor agree with that a potential victim can prevent crimes against them from happening.
Now…
How do we reduce crime? How do we reduce gun violence? How do we reduce abuse? How do we reduce domestic violence? How do we reduce rape?
Certainly not by telling victims or potential victims to behave differently and to put limitations on how they lead their lives.
We do it by changing society at large and how we deal with perpetrators.
Exactly how that should be done in this case is more than I know, but that’s where I believe the discussion needs to be held.
I don’t believe your insistent focus on the victim and how to change the victim’s behaviour is helping one bit, but rather is quite counterproductive.
@Dog Eat Fog: it seems you don’t want to step out of your comfort zone, I think believe everything is on the table to be discussed and scrutinized. What I am posing is also very topical, concedering what happend hook. So do you think we as people can stop certain outcomes by removing our selfs from certain situation.??
@Philip Brady:
Comfort zone? really?
This was your starting point – victim blaming.
“women and men should be careful who they go back to a hotel room with, and be mindful of the risks!!”
The you questioned victims’ and potential victims’ actions and behaviours – just read up on your own posts.
Now, however, in your last message you say:
“everything is on the table to be discussed and scrutinized”
And yet you insist on putting the focus on the victims, which clearly is a futile effort.
If everything is on the table, then drive the discussion towards what we can do to change our society, and what governing bodies can do to change how we handle rapists.
@Dog Eat Fog: seems you’re trying to steer the Conversation repeatedly, I’ve asked a question many times . Which you have not answered. Are you going to answer the questions?
@Philip Brady:
Si
@Philip Brady:
Sure, which question in particular, of the number of questions you’ve already posed?
@Dog Eat Fog: do you believe we are responsible for our selfs?
@Philip Brady:
I think I answered this already, but anyway -
Of course we are responsible for ourselves and our own actions, assuming we’re talking about adults (parents are responsible for their minor children).
Do you have a point with that question in terms of rape victims and their perpetrators?
@Dog Eat Fog: Right so women and men need to be some what responsible for their safety would I be right in saying that ?
@Philip Brady:
Of course they do.
For instance – Leaving a candle lit in a different room, smoking in bed, running out in traffic, changing lane without indicating, are a few examples of actions that can result in accidents and subsequently various degrees of injury or worse.
If these these type of actions are performed, one could argue that the self-inflicted injury comes with a level of responsibility. One could also argue that the person did not consider their own, and possibly others, safety performing the action or actions in question.
Keywords are – 1) accident, and 2) self-inflicted (while accidents also may affect others).
Does this mean that we also carry a responsibility to safeguard ourselves from other human beings subjecting our persons to criminal harm?
Of course not.
@Dog Eat Fog:
Just to cover one more aspect – it doesn’t belong here, but just to have it said – and that is the “walking into danger” scenario, such as stepping into the middle of an ongoing fight, or picking a fight with someone.
While these are not necessarily accidents, they are self-inflicted, and as such one could argue various levels of own responsibility.
“The onus…should be on society to raise people to not be rapists.”
Unfortunately this doesn’t work. We can tell people not to murder, abuse, burgle. We can punish and make examples of the ones who do but it will never stop completely there, will always be more in future.
@Maurice Bourke: the onus is always to improve pressure in society to make rape absolutely unacceptable. There is no choice to be raped but there is a choice not to rape.
@Deborah Behan:
It’s already utterly unacceptable in our society to rape someone.
@Thought for Food: You must be new.
@Thought for Food: oh youre new, you’ll need to be aware of the cognitive dissonance that goes on here. It’s fair game to talk about abuse in the church, but not in Islam. You can ask questions, but not allowed question minorities. oppression of women is only acceptable in Islam. You can talk about “rape culture” no problem, but you can not talk about the high percentage of rape across Europe in connection with migrants.
@Philip Brady: People were being raped across Europe long before any “connection with migrants”. It would be super if you would stop trying to deflect that Irish people have been, and are being, sexually assaulted &/or raped by other Irish people.
@Felicity Hensen: you’re also missing my point
No means no…
In the UK a Labour MP and key ally of Jeremy Corbyn, re-tweeted a post which told rape victims, “to shut their mouths for the good of diversity”…
http://www.express.co.uk/news/politics/844850/Naz-Shah-Jeremy-Corbyn-Rotherham-tweet-sex-victims-shut-mouths-diversity
@Remy:
And was she asked to resign? Because i think she was. Yet you continue to hold trump to a lower standard
@Gerri Sant0r0:
Your spelling is atrocious. explain the mental gymnastics that brought you to that conclusion?, which race are you on about? Gob*hite
@Stephen Coveney:
Did she resign? ?
@Remy: Oh dear! Did Geri get you all worked up this morning? Don’t let these things get to you.Just keep posting about Muslims and blacks.#loveboth
@Stephen Coveney: No oddly enough she wasn’t asked to resign by the Labour party , nor was she removed from the Labour party .
She was however suspended for making anti semitic remarks , but reinstated after 3 months .
@Ollie Mac:
Ahh”Ollie” keep posting you’re self loathing, Anti white pro abortion drivel.
Get that self loathing looked at while you’re at it.
@Ollie Mac: you know what black Irish people are busy doing? Getting stuff done man, socialising, working and not being victims. I know that’s hard for you to swillow, liberals are inadvertently the most racist.
@Philip Brady: Mind don’t you choke on the bull shit .
@Ollie Mac: keep up the patronizing behaviour,
@Philip Brady: I honestly never knew that Ireland enacted laws against the black person..wow…
Nobody is being raised to rape in the same way nobody is raised to murder someone.
Everyone already know that rape is unacceptable and shocking.
Unfort there are bad people out there who are going to commit crimes regardless of what they know.
We need tougher punishments for rapists too.
@gjpb:
We need tougher sentences, but we must also remember not to lower the burden of proof as well.
We also need tough sentences for demonstrably false allegations of rape as they can be devastating for the victim and do nothing but water down legitimate allegations.
“I think it’s important that people realise how prevalent sexual assault and rape is”
How “prevalent” is it?
@TheoWolfe: One is too many , and we should see it like that . There is possibly no way to prevent a sexual predator from raping , I wish there was , but the least we can do is come down hard on violent rapists .
@Paddy Hayden:
That doesn’the address the statement that was left hanging in the air. Your philosophy could be applied to any illegal activity but it doesn’t achieve the Utopia alluded to.
@TheoWolfe: True , I have no answers , but I’m not going down the Deborah Behan path , lock all men up under curfew . And I sure as hell don’t advocate for Burqas .
@TheoWolfe: ask your female friends about their experiences.
@Maggie OSullivan Graham:
In regard to what Maggie? Are you somehow suggesting all females have been raped? Or perhaps sexually harassed. If so, how are you defining such harassment?
The chances are that anyone who says they are raped have been but some accuse others of rape when both agree to sex while drunk, then in my book wanting sex when drunk is no way rape but some try to make out it is.
Then there are a few that shout rape like Jemma Beale, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4818874/Jemma-Beale-jailed-10-years.html
And then there is malicious rumours by malicious people that ended up costing the life of Bijan Ebrahimi http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-bristol-40494218
Most and nearly all who say they are raped are but we have to be careful as not all who are raped are, take a look at the UK Police with operation YEWTREE. Where Jimmy Talbot, Jim Davidson, Freddy Starr and it looks now like Cliff Richard were accused of rape and were innocent, then there were politicians accused of rape as well like Briton and others. So the best method is let the investigations take place before we condemn anyone?
Hopefully attitudes will change with education and parents teaching their kids right.
have your say