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THE IRISH DEATH scene is familiar to many, if not all, of us.
Uncomfortable chairs, even more uncomfortable silence, pre-packaged sandwiches and attempts at gallows humour.
But when the sheet is pulled up, the pronouncements made, there is an interloper to the grieving process whose job it is to go about their day as if nothing happened.
Priests and medical staff still play a pivotal role in Ireland’s dying process and both have to stay philosophical.
“You’re around death all time, you have to get used to it,” says Amy* a nurse who works in Dublin.
Through her time in a hospice abroad, she became keenly aware of how to handle the process.
It’s not like it doesn’t affect you, but I’d feel kind of weird sobbing with a family just because I’d looked after their relative for a couple of weeks.
“So you get on with it and let people grieve.”
Fr Philip Curran of St Mary’s Parish says the same goes for men of the cloth.
“It is part of our work and something you get used to over the years. There are individual cases that can take an emotional toll on you, especially if it’s a young person or a child.”
Amy says those cases can be particularly difficult.
“Car crashes, sick kids, accident; those ones are tough. Families look like they’ve been hit by a train and you have to keep doing your job, almost around them. It’s hard sometimes.”
The silences
What those who around dying people most notice is the silence.
Pregnant pauses, phone checking, strolls for air – all understandable, of course, but Curran says that it’s more of a modern phenomenon. He says that Irish people are increasingly uncomfortable with death.
“Very often there’s almost a conspiracy of silence around a dying person,” says Fr Curran.
They know they’re dying, their family knows they’re dying, but nobody acknowledges it and that can be difficult.
“They sometimes think that if a priest appears, it would frighten a person.
I had one case where I went into a lady and she said, ‘You know, Father, I’m dying but my family don’t know it’ and when I went back out to the hall, her daughter said to me, ‘She’s dying, but she doesn’t know it’.
Breaking that silence is important, both say.
“A lot of people want to spare their relatives the pain of knowing they’re going to die, so they hide it from them,” says Amy.
“It’s understandable, but it actually helps nobody. I’ve seen families learn that what they think are “routine” procedures are actually last throws of the dice from hospital staff.
“That’s not how you should find out a loved one is dying.”
Last rites
The arrival of a priest is a monument to finality in Irish life. Families will gather awaiting a clergyman’s arrival and, only then, amid all the tubes and machines and medicine, will the gravity of the situation hit them.
“Sometimes, people will not acknowledge the reality of what’s happening and when you appear, it can be awkward,” says Fr Curran.
“They’ll ask you to say something like you were passing and stopped in, which is pretty idiotic when you think about it.”
The band Death Cab for Cutie once sang “Love is watching someone die”. That line echoes with many people who have done just that.
However, nobody tells you how to do it. How to talk to someone who is dying.
“Just be there, and listen, and that’s the key to it,” says Curran.
“Grief is something there’s no way around. People will often ask me very direct questions about the afterlife, but mostly they’ll just thank you for being there.”
I wish I had a dad.. He only went and bloody died on me!!! Never had the chance to show him that he actually did a good job and I’m alright
yeah, miss my dad loads. fantastic human being, always said never hit a child because they’ll never forget you for it and he never laid a hand on us…….Mother did all the walloping in our house lol.
Michaela, I am sure he knows and that he is proud of you and watches over you !
Same here Michaela my Dad died when i was two and half. All i remember is a good feeling. I have two luckily vivid memories of him. In Butlins when i was a baby, My dad and my uncle pushing me across the swimming pool teaching me to swim. And running up to his legs when he came home from work.
I know he would have been an amazing dad.
Lucky people who got to have their dads around for their lives.
I take my son every weekend – I travel nearly 1000kms to collect and drop him back. I pay €600pm maintenance and also contribute towards his medical costs (he has aspergers) and school costs.
I love him to pieces and he, me – this year, the government decided that I was a secondary carer and took the separated carer tax credit from me. This means I’m now down €3,000 per annum net. His mother, who earns €120k per annum keeps this credit as she is the ‘primary’ carer.
I’ve now nearly exhausted my savings and am now facing a decision as to whether I see him less (saving petrol costs) or go back to court to fight over maintenance.
This Country sucks.
I went through similar, and there really is no decision to be made!! Keep seeing your child at any cost and without complaint .. The benefits in the short, medium and long term are fantastic. My daughter is now 32 and we are so close..She is my little girl and always will be. I know it can be very difficult but your children are worth it !
It’s the country that’s bad. Where is the welfare. In your eyes it’s what your country can do for you not what you can do for your country . Ireland sucks though, go to India and see what you get. Have a feeling you would come running back, not a bad country after all
Richy – Firstly, how do you know what I do or don’t do for my country? Stop being so presumptive.
Secondly, look at your logic here – basically, everyone has carte blanche to erode whatever services or supports that they wish and, as long as it leaves us better off than the worst country in the world, we should shut up and be happy?
Some people should think before typing.
Reduce the amount of maintenance you are paying (it’s obviously not needed anyway) and keep seeing your child, ignore the court system it’s irrelevant and only gets in the way going down that road now would be foolish, besides if the wealthy mother of your child is in anyway a decent human she will want her child’s father involved in her child’s lift. If not then figure out another way to do it!
Having read many of your previous comments on other threads, I would ask that you take your own advice Mary.
That is awful me so harney. I hope things turn around for you.
My son told me I was a wonderful dad , its good to hear it , there are a lot of great dads out there , some kids for many reasons no longer have a dad or a grandad , for all the Dads present and past , you are appreciated .
You sound like a decent skin with genuine empathy for other people , I’m glad you are appreciated by your son.
My dad really is my hero!im the youngest of 8 and my da was 48 when I was born Fond memories of helping him while he was working on the styles in croker when I was 5/6, sitting on the sideline of games he would ref. He gave me my love of GAA. He only stopped reffing when he was 65. Moved to West Cavan in 98 and if you say my dads name around majority would “paddy sure he’s a legend”. Im now 29 this year and have my own daughter whos 3 and I see her eyes light up with excitement when she sees her granda. I’ve learnt alot from him ( more than I let on!!). But I brust with pride when I say “Yea Paddy, he’s my Da!
in my 20s I’m was one of those who said “me? Pssst no way I won’t have children, I’ll live like a rockstar forever” I married very young, but we travelled the world and enjoyed ourselves and eventually we had an Oopsy daisy at the right age and moment. I tell you, I wasn’t alive until I became a father. I tough I was happy, but you won’t know the meaning of true happiness until you hold a little piece of you in your arms.
Sure my two toddlers don’t let me sleep until late, they wake me up at night, cry, cry, cry and turn the house upside down in less than 5 minutes, break things, make noise, but all of this is nothing compared to a laugh, a hug and a child saying “I love you daddy” while following asleep in your arms.
Happy fathers day to my fellow dads and hang in there!
Lost my in sept, miss him everyday. Being a daddy’s girl he was my best friend and my hero
I’m the best dad in the world .. Or so they tell me all the time when they want something
Yep am so lucky to still have the best dad in the world and funnily enough be married to someone who also qualifies!
Happy Fathers Day !
Lost mine a year and a half ago and about to become one myself, the nerves are kicking in! Would like to be able to ask for advice etc, but somehow I think I’ll find his voice when it’s needed! My advice, give yours a hug, you never know when you won’t get the chance again!
As a complete daddy’s girl and recent first time mam- this got me right in the feels!
To be honest, as a father my kids are my wealth, they have given me pride and delight with every step they have taken in life. The best Father’s Day gift is to know they are well, happy and safe.
Never knew my own dad, but if I had been able to share some time with him I would hope that I might have given him some of the joy and pride I have enjoyed with my own children.
Well said Joe.
Fathers day is TOMORROW!?!?
Oh no
Headin ta da wexford with da oul buck tamara for ta watch da dubs hurl wexford…. good times
Pity you’re gonna lose though! Enjoy the game!
Thanks to Irish law, Irish fathers are regarded as mere sperm donors when it comes to access to their children, the most discriminated against group in the state!
Cant stand women who use the child as a pawn. They are lucky to have fathers around willing to help and love their children. Women who use kids for points should cop the hell on. If he is good dad then accept the help and let your child see him.
Not one article on the disgrace of family law courts actively disceimaring against men and keeping them from their dads. The judiciary and media are disgusting. Worried about the plight of mothers being separated from their babies 50 years ago while the same thing goes on today. Dads torn and separated from their beautiful children for the mistake of marrying the wrong woman. This is the greatest social injustice and discrimination of our age and no one cares. In 30 years there will be inquiries and we will all wonder what we were thinking to allow it to happen.
Sorry for your loss Danni, I’m sure your dad is watching over you always.
Great comment Juan, I think you have summed it all up very nicely for every parent, not just every Dad.
Times in it I hope the children are not under pressure By commercial outlets to express their love for their dad,s ,by giving stuff ,they just need a few word,s I am glad you are here
Buzz n Pip your right there can be two best Dads there the one who brought you up and who has being with you your whole life and the one you choose to have children with and as I said in a earlier comment about Dads “If at first you don’t succeed remember Dad is always there to help you” (my own case)
Wow – you asked bull questions to over 300 dads…what a Pi$$ poor piece of advertising for you Irish Life. You;ve clearly cornered the market in the ‘cant string a piece of coherent research together’ category.
You can’t have two best dads in the world. Make a decision. #therecanbeonlyone
Oh for gods sake! This was directed at Buzz n Pip with his two dads (greedy) and the STUPID page changed when I pressed send cos another comment appeared! It’s time for an edit button
Happy Fathers Day to all the dads!
You’re awesome :D
Being a good father is one of the hardest jobs in the world, second only to being a good mother. Having a good woman by your side as a parent is invaluable. It must be extremely hard for single mums and dads.
Rastas believe western society has removed the natural role of the father as the child’s educator and guide by forcing paid labour upon civilisations as the only means of existence,thus removing the father from the child and removing his role as a natural teacher
My dad is one in a million we can always count on him to listen to us without being judged. He’s always made us know that we are loved by him . He worries the whole time about all of his children and now His grand kids. I don’t know a more caring honest man than him. Happy fathers day daddy.
Due to an out of date court system a lot of kids wont see their Dads today or any day for the same reason . Judges are making terrible decisions in secret courts called in “in camera” every day of the week, one man or one woman in a position of authority with very little training in Family Law can change the life of your children or partner for life .Once again the government know the system needs to be changed and are sitting on the fence .
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