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I DIDN’T REALLY see myself as a ‘carer’. I saw myself as a mother who happens to have three wonderful boys, each with their own unique needs and – let’s face it – demands!
I don’t work outside the home, because I can’t. That’s the truth.
I have been living in a secret world for about 12 years now. A world where I don’t know how to answer that question; “What is it you do for a living?” I normally say “I am an at home mom”, which is met with the usual nods and the smiles. When I feel braver I say “I am a full-time carer for my son”. Why is that answer braver? Because it is. There are always follow up questions, “Oh, what does he have?” or “I’d have never known” or the really obnoxious reply: “Really? Wow. So you’re on the social.”
I don’t get a break
My day is not spent sitting and watching day-time TV, despite what an awful lot of society thinks. I don’t get a break when my two eldest boys are at school. My mornings are spent cleaning, hoovering, changing sheets, washing clothes, trying my best to dry them despite the weather, thinking ‘if I don’t have that duvet cover dry by this evening I’m unsure if he will sleep’.
When I’ve done all I can do with that side of the housework, I’ve to start the dinner, get all the kitchen cleaned and interact with my youngest toddling son, who, like most toddlers, cannot be trusted for two seconds.
While dinner is cooking, I’m wary of the clock. It seems to speed up once 12 o’clock strikes! I double-check my white board to ensure I know when and where I have to be for the rest of this week. Appointments are a must, but boy are they an inconvenience – especially the ones that require me to bring Ethan along so his team can talk to me while he runs wild. They always have to send me an email to remind me about what ‘we’ spoke about during the appointment—trust me, there is no ‘we’ in that conversation, unless I’ve a point to make.
I’ve to get Ethan’s clothes ready so the transition from uniform to casual clothes goes smoothly. I’ve to run up to ensure my middle son’s desk is clutter free and ready for the daily torture that is his homework—J has ADHD.
Hectic and demanding days
The boys come home at 3pm. The toddler is still up and very cranky, but in his wisdom, refuses a nap at every opportunity. Dinner is served. I spoon feed Ethan and my toddler while my side of dinner gets colder. If I remember something like ‘the cooker ring is still on’, we all must get up to check (it’s not safe to leave Ethan and toddler alone, for any length of time).
J begins the daily ‘torture’ and spends most of his time coming in and out of the room informing me of the random thoughts that pop into his mind. I try not to get annoyed. I’m not always successful.
Ethan and toddler are having some sort of pooping contest. I’m the referee and the cleaning lady. I’ve no choice but to participate. While cleaning the toddler, Ethan will want my attention or be so engrossed in his TV that he will start yelping and screaming, which used to frighten the toddler. However, now the toddler thinks that’s a perfectly acceptable behaviour and joins in. I have a headache normally by 5pm.
The torture of J’s homework ends around 6.30pm after much arguing about what he has and has not to do for his English, Maths and so on. Then daddy comes home. I have my second warm cup of coffee of the day, in peace.
I prepare the tea while I listen to the radio. I get all the medication out and prepare it for both the boys. I make lunches for the next day.
We have our tea. The boys go to bed roughly at 8pm. J objects and refuses to go. Ethan happily goes up and finally falls asleep about 9pm. Toddler just got moved into a ‘big boy’ bed – need I say more?! J finally gives up and is asleep by 11.30pm.
We go to bed.
I am exhausted
I’m up by 6.45am. I’m always trying to be one step ahead of Ethan, as Ethan is a ‘smearer’. I shower him slowly, trying not to upset him as his body is stiff from the night’s rest. He has just turned 13 and is built like a house, the last thing I want is to get a ‘smack’ from him, for not knowing he was sore. I dress him, which hurts my back as I’ve to manoeuvre him in order to get him dressed. I try to strip Ethan’s bed before the toddler announces that he is ‘weady for bekkie’ over his baby gate.
J leaves at 7.40am with his daddy. Ethan luckily has a bus collect him at 8.20am and I am very lucky to have remembered to have brushed my teeth by 10am!
I am exhausted. I am a weight lifter. I am a nurse. I am a specialist. I am a doctor. I am a teacher. I am an advocate. I am a mediator. I am a secretary. I am an occupational therapist. I am a speech and language therapist. I am a physiotherapist. I am a cook (not a great one). I am a children’s entertainer. I am a cleaner. I am clown, when I need to be. I am an encourager. I am a holder of secrets. I am a bottomless pit of information about children’s rights… Yet, I am insulted regularly by what ‘title’ is given to people like me. I am looked down upon due to being ‘just a carer’.
I am a mother to three wonderful boys; each have their own unique needs and wants. I am also a full-time carer… I am a writer… I am funny… I am sociable (when given the chance)… I am an optimist… I am far more than ‘just a carer’… I am everything to three little boys, while these boys are everything to me.
“So, what do you do for a living?”
‘I’m Ger, wife to David and mother to three wonderful boys, Ethan, J and baby D. We live in the city of the Tribes! Our world was rocked to its core in 2008, when Ethan was diagnosed with Hunter Syndrome, a life limiting condition. We are slowly learning to laugh and live again in our ‘new’ world.’ (Geraldine Renton blogs at www.geraldinerenton.com)
This week (8-14 June) is National Carers Week, with events happening all over the country to recognise the work of family carers. Check out the website (www.carersweek.ie) for details of events in your local area.
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Having not long ago become a parent to a child with some minor issues I for one have nothing but respect for you. generally after a long shift I try to take over when I get home because let’s face it, parenting is tougher than any outside job most of us have ever done and my partner needs a break more than I need to sit in front of the TV
I spent a few years working with special needs children. Their parents are the most under supported carers in our society. Such a well written article, provides a very accurate picture of your busy life. Well done on every level. Be proud of the fantastic work you do for you’re children.
Who the fluck down arrows that. Some people have privileged lives but they are too thick to realise it.
Honestly written by an obviously committed and wonderful mother
Geraldine you are a great woman and i understand how you feel i have a son who is 14 with adhd and dyspraxia .i dont have the same problems as you but i have a toddler as well as a 9 year old who is dyslexic and has a rough year in school but unless anyone has a child/children with any issues they dont know what its like they cant be looking down their noses and judgemental
I admire you for writing your blog. I was a health care proffessional in Ireland. I recently moved abroad. I was totally shocked when I moved here to see how horrible and inhumane the Irish health care system is in comparison to other European countries. I truely believe all those who work in the healthcare system in Ireland including carers , family members and proffessions are being bullied by the Irish Government. When are we going to get up and fight and demand a better health system? Other countries have gotten better healthcare systems because they demanded it until their government had to give in. We are THE FIGHTING IRISH, aren’t we?
You are a hero to humanity and your boys. I hope you too have a hero in your life who will look after you. You are wonderful, you are GERALDINE!
Wrong article. My apologies.
let’s be honest john you commented without reading article…
What ! A public servant moaning again. I’am shocked.
Allister being on call 24/7 witha child /children who have a disability or several and other children and housework and homework driving to and ftom appointments doctors schools .this is not the same as going into work where you get your tea break and chat with friends then your lunch break and afternoon coffee and home to a child that can walk talk feed themselves go to toilet on own kick a ball play out side .you just have no idea so dont make stupid remarks when you hsve no clue
What idiot red rhumbs these true stories
What about the people who have to come home at night and do all these house chores after working 12 hours a day in a proper job…deal with it …its called life…
Wow ‘House Chores’ Since when was a disabled child a House Chore? Do you get a lunch break? Carers work 24/7. Ignorance certainly is bliss.
Yeah that certainly is a very silly comment. This woman goes non stop. I know how it is. I’m proud she shared her story. We get no recognition. I did an interview with Pat Kenny too but it’s tough talking about our loved ones because it sounds like it’s all burden. We have good loving fun times too nut there is no getting Away from the realities of caring.
Allister did you not read the article?
Apart from my empathy and respect for Geraldine and her family, along with all others in similar situations as they live with the joys and challenges of their daily lives, one thing she said really stunned me..’I'm a full time carer for my son’ got the response ‘Wow so you’re on the social?’
I hope the the campaign highlighting the work carers of all hues do all around this country brings to the fore how hard people work to look after and advocate for their children, partners, spouses, grandparents and neighbours when they can’t help themselves..and how little support from the authorities some of those carers get.
And I sincerely hope that anyone who thinks that the carers allowance is a windfall never find themselves: a) needing it to survive; or b) going through the baring of soul it takes to get the carers allowance
Allister you moron .going to work and comming home to a child/children who are able to walk tslk feed themselves blow their nose use the loo on their own play out side read write.many parents are carers to their children and some are on call 24/7 on top of house work and other children too children are born with these disabilities no parent wants that for their child /children hospital visits occupation therapy speech therapy more therapies i can list . Its not the same so unless you have a child with minor or major issues dont say its life u just have not got a clue
Oh!I just saw Allister’s comment on a scéal from mother describing caring for a child with a life limiting condition, a condition which most of us were unaware of until this week.( I certainly was until I heard her on radio.). along with her other two children .Allister refers to: house chores..proper job..it’s life..get on with it.
Bless..I presume he do be very young and invincible
Well done to you on so many levels,I’d say you’re up to eyes right and regular so keep up the good work,enjoy you’re rest when your lucky enough to get 1
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