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'If someone requires an app to prove legal consent then you shouldn’t be having sex with them'

We need to make consent sexy, writes Filomena Kaguako.

WE LIVE IN a litigious society: a society in which the scales between men and women are significantly unbalanced when it comes to matters of sexual misconduct.

A society that will either promote the ‘believe all women’ rhetoric or on the contrary, perpetuate the idea that all victims of sexual harassment were ‘asking for it’, which completely polarises the issue and doesn’t treat it with the critical thinking or delicacy it requires.

A society where there is an overwhelming degree of uncertainty about how men and women should navigate sexual relationships because the most fundamental practice of what makes sex safe, healthy and legal, seems to be missing: consent.

A mutual agreement

Consent is a mutual agreement between two individuals before sex. To put it simply, when a person gives consent, it means they have freely given someone permission to engage in sexual activity without any feelings of obligation or pressure.

They do so willingly, enthusiastically and not forcibly.  Simple, right? Not always.

Following the #MeToo movement and the global impact this campaign is having on empowering women and other victims of sexual assault to speak about their experiences, a number of consent apps have come to surface. Although consent apps such as SaiSie and WeConsent have been around for quite a while, some of the newer and upcoming apps enter realms that provide legal options such as setting sexual boundaries or sending a cease-and-desist order.

While the options you get are contingent on the app a person decides to use, the premise in which they exist are the same.

A digital contract

Consent apps allow adults to electronically sign for legal consent prior to engaging in sexual activity. A consent app is essentially a digital contract that turns sex into a business transaction instead of the fun and intimate activity it should be.

I personally find the idea of a consent app ludicrous, and whether it holds up in court or not is a different story entirely. But the mere fact that these apps exist speak to a bigger issue.

It speaks to how much uncertainty lies between men and women about giving and receiving affirmative consent. We exist in a sexual culture that’s been predicated on non-verbal cues and ‘implied’ consent for so long that the dialogue surrounding what constitutes as consent or what falls under the umbrella of sexual misconduct is becoming more and more unclear.

A grey area

There is a common misconception among men that the absence of a ‘no’ means ‘yes’ or that sexual interest is equal to sexual consent. While each case is situational, and in some cases the latter might be true. In today’s world, it is not enough to rely on social cues because we are operating in a grey area in an era that is still unsure about what consent is.

It’s quite saddening to me that we as a society have come to a stage where we would rather treat matters of unexplored sexual territory like a business transaction instead of communicating with one another.

I ran two polls on Instagram recently to address these questions. In the first poll, I asked whether participants would use an app to give legal consent before sex. The majority of yes votes were men (20%) and the majority of women voted no (80%).

I did another poll where I asked whether or not people think it is sexy for a man to verbally ask for consent. This time 63% of women voted yes and 37% of men said no. While the sample size was not huge, I think there is a lot to be said for how differently male and female respondents answered.

Healthy discourse

Do men have a problem with verbally asking for consent or do women have a problem asserting a ‘no’? Have we as a society created a landscape in which men and women are so uncomfortable with having a healthy discourse about consent that we would rather risk entering uncharted territory that can cost us a lifetime?

How could something that is so simple in theory can be so difficult is practice? And lastly, is an app even necessary? And if it is, does it fix the root problem?

No matter how you spin it, the hook up culture has a major problem to address, and as a society, we need to address it before things get out of hand – if they haven’t already. We need to unlearn potentially dangerous behaviours that we have become so accustomed to overtime and reframe the terms upon we want to have sex by giving affirmative consent and most importantly, making it sexy.

Make it sexy

The current climate of sexual culture is one that troubles me deeply and until we as a society make a collective effort to understand that in this ever-changing society, the things that were deemed acceptable previously are no longer okay now, the ship will sink deeper.

There is a lot of grey area in how men and women interact in the modern world, but something as important as consent shouldn’t be one of them.

Word to the wise, if it’s not a clear ‘yes’ then it’s a ‘no’ and in regards to the tech side of it, if someone requires an app to prove legal consent before jumping into the sac with them then you shouldn’t be having sex with that person to begin with.

We need to make consent sexy.

Filomena Kaguako is a blogger at enhancewhatsyours.com, YouTuber and Tedx Speaker 2016.

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88 Comments
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    Mute Roibeard O' Beachain
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:38 PM

    Consent apps? Has the world gone mad?

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:45 PM

    @Roibeard O’ Beachain: And the thought of holding onto your phone in case you need to say stop ?
    The mind boggles .

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    Mute Veronica
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:18 PM

    @Roibeard O’ Beachain: absolutely ludicrous.

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    Mute Boyne Sharky
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:55 PM

    @Roibeard O’ Beachain: Something like this was always going to happen, it’s born out of fear. That being said either party can agree and record their consent, but 5 minutes later change their mind – that may not be recorded, leaving them in an awkward situation.
    Should sex proceed, against their wishes, rape, the other person would then be able to produce a recording of them consenting. I’m afraid that though I can see why it was made, this would make me very nervous.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:13 PM

    @Boyne Sharky: Which is why an article from a “blogger” should be highlighted as an opinion piece .
    Didn’t we just have the story about the” influencers” preaching to the unwashed .

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:19 PM

    @Clinton Baptiste:

    Perfectly reasonable in a world where regret and subjective reinterpretation = assumption of rape.

    Me too proved due process is not available to men – and accusation = assumption of guilt – presumption of innocence and requirement for evidence and objective analysis is out the window.

    I will be teaching my sons to protect themselves – if a legal contract is required do it – get consent on video – or app – but something objective.

    Men cannot read minds – and attempts at affection can be twisted into sexual assaualt

    All reason is out the window – their is no clarity on consent – women want to be seduced and to surrender often – and for the man to take charge – however can regret and change mind sanctioned 100% by society

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 11:03 PM

    @HelloGoogleTracking: I don’t know what to say to that .
    It’s a shame that you think this is the real world .
    We read headlines that tell us something wrong has happened , we never hear the good news .
    For example , if your sons manage to find a mate :) they will just have experienced life , same as your daughter having fun with a bloke .
    All you can do is teach them right from wrong , after that , they’re on their own .

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 11:15 PM

    An article on sexual violence and rape against women allows an opportunity for men to whine about victimization or potential victimization of men by women.

    Still it helps men to emote, I suppose.

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    Mute Jeffrey McMahon
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    Apr 29th 2018, 12:28 AM

    @Michael Lang: why not look at it with the same response you had to an article about a male victim of domestic abuse by his female partner that nearly left him dead recently.

    “This article promises to be a whinge fest from women with a highly developed sense of grievance towards men.”

    I have even gone to the effort of reversing the genders for you already so you can see how it might look.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 29th 2018, 12:52 AM

    @Michael Lang: Its not an article on sexual violence , how did you come up with that .
    It’s about consent on an App .
    You’re so driven by a mindset . Something happened to you as a child , and you need to talk about it to a health professional .

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    Mute Roibeard O' Beachain
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    Apr 29th 2018, 5:00 PM

    @HelloGoogleTracking: you obviously don’t live in the real world.

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 29th 2018, 5:42 PM

    @Roibeard O’ Beachain:

    I certainly do – and in the real world a accusation against a man = presumption of guilt and often loss of job – and immediate vicious attacks on social media.

    The real world is currently sexist and biased against men – also has replaced objective due process with trial by media and rabid anti men bias

    Just look at Belfast rape trial – crazy stuff – subversion of the justice system – and undermining objective juries and blind justice based on evidence and due process.

    In this context men must protect themselves

    If women can retrospectively change their minds about consent – or re definition isn’t clear – or men have no recourse to prove consent

    What else do you recommend beyond getting a lawyer to consult and witness consent in advance

    It is getting crazy

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    Mute Lurfic
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:52 PM

    This article is very strange. The author is giving out about consent apps on the grounds that people should talk about and be clear about consent…which is what the app is trying to get them to do. She’s saying we should focus on changing behaviour around consent…which is what the app is trying to do. The idea of a consent app is to make sure there is a conversation about consent, to change behaviour, and to remove any grey area. As far as I can tell, this is what the author wants, but she doesn’t want the app to do it because…reasons?

    As for using statistics from their Instagram poll…

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    Mute No One
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:15 PM

    @Lurfic: Did you read how the app works. it’s batshit crazy?! http://we-consent.org/index.php/41-apps-abcd/101-we-consent-app

    Better yet watch the video demo and see just how f~~king stupid this is http://www.isce.edu/wc.mp4

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    Mute David Edwards
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    Apr 29th 2018, 10:09 AM

    @No One: to be fair, no one wants to have sexual relations with Derek

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    Mute Toomasu Sumitsu
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:51 PM

    Sex and consent isn’t complicated. Sex happens all the time without any issues. Forget the app, if you can’t read non-verbal cues you shouldn’t be having sex. Literally nobody is confused about the issue of consent except feminists. Even r**ists know what consent is!

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    Mute R
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:07 PM

    @Toomasu Sumitsu: There was a case in Spain recently where a video of an assault was used as evidence for the defence of the r**ists. The 18 year old was being assaulted by multiple attackers, and they argued that because she was frozen with her eyes closed she was consenting (instead of shouting no I guess).
    I feel if you’re tarring all ‘feminists’ with this you might not read the above and change your mind on the situation, but there it is for what it’s worth.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:09 PM

    @R: And how did that work out ?

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    Mute Austin Rock
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:51 PM

    @R: But lets face what a law in Spain clearly their legal system is even more dysfunctional than ours. Like in Germany its 13, in France an 11 year old was deemed to have consented to sex because she didn’t say no etc etc Our laws are not perfect but German laws are actually allowing child rape. as for an app and a T&C agreement re consent – celibacy is far better.

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    Mute Jas
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:23 PM

    @Toomasu Sumitsu: what about people with autism that can’t read the cues

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    Mute fianna1
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    Apr 28th 2018, 11:11 PM

    @R: I read recently on “Journal.ie” of this incident in Seville “that was acquitted- Defence Lawyers had argued she agreed to sexual encounter”

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    Mute Jeffrey McMahon
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    Apr 29th 2018, 12:31 AM

    @Toomasu Sumitsu: what about people with non verbal speech disabilities? Should we castrate them upon diagnosis so they don’t ever have sex as per your declaration that those who can’t read non verbal cues shouldn’t be?

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    Mute Fred Jonsen
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:14 PM

    Tell ya what. I think it’s best for all at this stage if we make a final settlement with young women. No more chasing rugby guys. No more attending parties that you know rugby heads are attending. In particular no more flirting with these young men. I’m sure you all agree this is the best course of action girls.

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    Mute john doe
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:47 PM

    @fred
    Oh hi George hook

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    Mute Sean
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    Apr 28th 2018, 11:05 PM

    @john doe: ha ha classic. I can just hear those words in George’s whiney voice after you saying that.

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    Mute LiamMalone
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:46 PM

    does this app have a pro version with addons?

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    Mute Ron North
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:58 PM

    @LiamMalone: The free version only does consent to missionary. Microtransactions for anything else.

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    Mute Shane
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:04 PM

    @Ron North: hahaha brilliant

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    Mute Ron North
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:10 PM

    @Shane: In fairness I think Liam was there already.

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    Mute Martello Mulligan
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:11 PM

    But if you sit down for that conversation before sex there’s every chance she’ll want your name and phone number too.

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    Mute Stealth
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:56 PM

    Its something iv been thinking about since an acquaintance accused a one night stand after they gave them the cold shoulder. She didn’t like that so made a sexual assault charge in the local police station.

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    Mute Róisín
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    Apr 29th 2018, 6:50 AM

    @Stealth: Sure she did.

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 29th 2018, 1:35 PM

    @Róisín:

    Should men respond “sure he did” when rape victims come out?

    Why is it ok to dismiss men and when they are victims – and always assume men are guilty and women innocent?.

    Total sexism and discrimination – disgusting

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    Mute Siobhán Ni Mhurchú
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:09 PM

    Two people sign on the consent app .. couple gets together but then she changes her mind..the man rapes her and then claims she consented and has it on the consent app as “proof ” . . Would that not make it more difficult for the victim?..

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    Mute No One
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:16 PM

    @Siobhán Ni Mhurchú: Ah wait there is an app for that! http://we-consent.org/index.php/41-apps-abcd/103-i-ve-been-violated-app

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:19 PM

    @Siobhán Ni Mhurchú: What a tangled web we make for ourselves .
    Common sense has to be put in a legal term , what’s next , getting kids to sign consent forms before they get on swings ?

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    Mute Veronica
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:19 PM

    @Siobhán Ni Mhurchú: yes it would. It’s a ridiculous concept. Consent can be revoked by any party at any time.

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:24 PM

    @Veronica:

    How can a man then have sex without the implicit threat of removing consent silently – assuming he is a mind reader / deciding next day – after regret that consent didn’t apply ( totally subjective !!! )

    Meanwhile the men is a hostage to a false accusation at any moment – and society will assume he is guilty of a woman accused him. Trust women!!! I.e. women are incapable of lying – also no woman has ever lied – and no women lie to get what they want or take revenge on someone – or act out of spite or evil????

    We need to protect women – and we need to protect me.

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    Mute Pearse Mc Mullen
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:51 PM

    Ah, here….
    It`s a Saturday, Would ye ever chill out

    39
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    Mute Jack Jackson
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:53 PM

    For what it costs, sex must be one of the most overrated pleasures in life.
    Either way, you end up paying a fortune to take expensive risks in so many ways. On top of that it’s short and let’s face it…..it doesn’t last as long as say; five beers, a burger and chips or a skydive or Zipline or even a simple message. Masturbation is babies free, STDs free, consent free, emotional complication free and it’s FREE!!!!

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    Mute Earth Traveller
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    Apr 29th 2018, 9:15 AM

    @Jack Jackson: Romance is still alive!

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    Mute O'Rourke Ciaran
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    Apr 29th 2018, 11:14 AM

    @Jack Jackson: overrated????
    This sounds like the the Church’s official stance.. Don’t know about you but no issues here mate…

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    Mute Jack Jackson
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    Apr 29th 2018, 3:09 PM

    @O’Rourke Ciaran: I didn’t ask you if you had any issues. And no, not everything is church related regarding sex. Expand your mind lado.

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    Mute Jack Jackson
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    Apr 29th 2018, 3:10 PM

    @Earth Traveller: For liars it is….that’s true.

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:37 PM

    Some men may not want to take the message of no or be happy with what they think is ambivalence. Enthusiasm is desirable and better.

    The article makes very sound sense.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:08 PM

    @Michael Lang: But does she know how to properly wear a seat belt .

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:27 PM

    @Clinton Baptiste: in a car with you, she might be better advised not to wear a seat belt.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:11 PM

    @Michael Lang : Why do you say that ?

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    Mute Jack Jackson
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:02 PM

    @Michael Lang: Ok Michelle!!!

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    Mute Shane
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:05 PM

    Very Black Mirror-esque

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    Mute purple rain
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:23 PM

    signature here and capitals here. I’ll gety team to send you out the paper work within 10 working days.

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    Mute Jeffrey McMahon
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    Apr 29th 2018, 12:01 AM

    To be honest, both the “believe all women” and “the victim was asking for it” perspectives polarise the issue and neither gives the issue the critical thinking it deserves.

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    Mute John Fergus
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:17 PM

    I guessed Kaguako is a Tedx Speaker. Often times you have to be this mental to get a platform nowadays.
    Joking aside, what do these people want? From the language and dramatic linguistics, they use an uninformed person might think that there is a global rape epidemic. We are not all Bill Cosby, Jimmy Savile or Rolf Harris.

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    Mute Kevin Tyrrell
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:09 PM

    Consent is the grey area within a hook up culture…where because the person you are having a sexual encounter with is a total stranger you dont know them, their cues, what they like or dont like, and a million other relevant things. So of course things can go awry or be miscommunicated or misunderstood by both parties and add booze into the equation and its potentially even more chaotic and then either party can just lie about the encounter later. Why dont we promote a very simple thing…get to know the person before you jump into bed? Maybe find out if they guy or girl you are with is a psycho first by meeting them a few times with bumping uglies off the agenda!!! Get to know them…maybe even build some intimacy?? No??? Too old fashioned?? Not gratuitously self serving enough??

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    Mute john doe
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    Apr 28th 2018, 10:49 PM

    @kevin
    Great idea. All the youngsters will go for that

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    Mute Kevin Tyrrell
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    Apr 28th 2018, 11:32 PM

    @john doe: i know it is too old fashioned and delays the gratification and god knows teens and tweens these days have zero patience or ability to put on their sensible heads but its an awful lot more complicated today to have any sort of certainty that a casual hook up wont end badly especially if you are a young guy as the whole Meetoo and consent debate has put a serious onus on you to procure the consent and abide by that consent to the limits the girl puts on the encounter, step beyond that even inadvertantly and you face literal ruination. Maybe actually getting to know the person in order to create intimacy that is more likely to make the sexual activity more natural, comfortable and I dare say emotional it may actually be less likely to create these insane consent issues.

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    Mute Julie-Ann Mc Guirk
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    Apr 29th 2018, 1:22 AM

    Just because they say it’s rape, doesn’t make it so.
    Just because they say it’s consensual does make it so.

    I feel for both people that have actually been raped, and those that have been accused of rape that’s been completely false.

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 29th 2018, 5:48 PM

    @Julie-Ann Mc Guirk:

    Great to hear perfect sense and logical thinking – at this moment in time when both have been replaced with slogans – shortcuts and anti men bias.

    Trust women / attacking objective justice system designed to be fair to both parties

    Is clear evidence of attempts to replace objective justice with some subjective feelings / believe based non sense

    The result is men are no exposed to accusations without any defense – this is very dangerous

    Also women need to be protected against evil men

    Both gender are human – and include bad and evil people – willing to harm others for selfish reasons. Both genders need to be protected – that is why the law is blind to gender.

    Something currently under attack

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    Mute John Cronin
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:45 PM

    Who ever wrote this is full of crap

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:16 PM

    @John Cronin: why say that about your own comment?

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:44 PM

    @John Cronin: okay, you are.

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:57 PM

    9 comments so far from men, with a male perspective. No comments from women, as yet, on the article.

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    Mute John Mc Grath
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:07 PM

    @Michael Lang: yeah you should stop commenting

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:12 PM

    @Michael Lang: And your point is that .
    (A) The journal blocks women’s comments .
    (B) Women don’t comment

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:17 PM

    @John Mc Grath: a female perspective would have much more value than your comment or mine.

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:17 PM

    @Clinton Baptiste: there are other options.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:22 PM

    @Michael Lang: Would you care to name them ?

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    Mute Pat Bateman
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:24 PM

    @Michael Lang: Comment off Fiona’s profile then

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:25 PM

    @Clinton Baptiste: think about and work them out. 2 are obvious. The others are less obvious. Always try to set out the full range if you are presenting options.

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    Mute Clinton Baptiste
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:32 PM

    @Michael Lang: Which is why I asked you .
    You come back with a cryptic reply like I can read your mind .
    Simple question , what are the other options you speak of .
    No wonder people want stupid apps like this , when even an adult can’t answer a straight question .

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:35 PM

    @Clinton Baptiste: it seems to me that you should be well capable of figuring them out. It does not require much intellectual effort or resource for a man of your intellect. Try.

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    Mute John Mc Grath
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:40 PM

    @Michael Lang: oh good god your comments are withering are you at home in a cape and your underpants on outside your trousers.

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:35 PM

    @John Mc Grath: keep commenting. You entertain me, mildly.

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    Mute Elvis King
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:55 PM

    I,ll sign it,

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    Mute Amy Wallis
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    Apr 29th 2018, 7:20 AM

    Very interesting article.

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    Mute Dave Walsh
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    Apr 29th 2018, 7:02 AM

    Boys should be thought no means no.
    Girls should be thought to say no.
    WE all get our wires crossed sometimes.
    As smile a friendly touch may be mistaken for permission.From office flirting, to on the couch petting..its in all our minds how far will this go..We cant read minds.

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    Mute HelloGoogleTracking
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    Apr 29th 2018, 5:52 PM

    @Dave Walsh:

    Also men need to be taught to establish proof of consent.

    As women can now change their minds and there is then no recourse for men – and if accusation is made – that are assumed to be guilty – even if found innocent in court – social media will attempt to destroy their lives – and make them lose their jobs.

    In this context – some method of proof is required

    Either video of consent before – and consent after the act at the very least – otherwise the woman can then at any point make false accusations for any reason

    And yes bad women exist just like bad men – and some are vicious cruel and selfish – and would accuse just to destroy someone else for many crazy reasons

    Just like bad men exist – who would do equally evils acts of rape etc

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    Mute Liam Mac Roibin
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    Apr 29th 2018, 6:53 PM

    MGTOW. Problem solved.
    Having sex isn’t worth the risk of a malicious accusation.

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    Mute EdmundOrlando
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    Apr 28th 2018, 7:50 PM
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    Mute Graeme Murphy
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    Apr 29th 2018, 2:50 AM

    I think Sheldon Cooper would disagree.

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    Mute Puking Tiger
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    Apr 28th 2018, 8:17 PM

    Whats next, pedophile consent apps for children?

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    Mute Michael Lang
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    Apr 28th 2018, 9:35 PM

    @Puking Tiger: children can’t consent.

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    Mute Puking Tiger
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    Apr 29th 2018, 2:00 AM

    @Michael Lang: I totally agree Michael. Thats why I said ‘pedophile consent’.

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    Mute Clark Ma
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    May 3rd 2018, 10:38 AM

    If you are seeking and wanting to know more sex realted apps or websites, http://bestsexapps.strikingly.com/ you can have a try.

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    Mute Kenny Hyslop
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    Apr 29th 2018, 3:32 PM

    Your statistics are silly. 20% of men said yes and 80% of women said no. Or to put it another way, 80% of men said no and 20% of women said yes, so we could say 20% of people said yes and 80% said no. What point are you trying to make? That 80% of people don’t want to use a stupid app.

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    Mute Zozzy Zozimus
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    Apr 29th 2018, 4:42 PM

    Someone who can’t accurately present the results of a simple yes/no survey is arguably not well placed to write about consent.

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    Mute Clark Ma
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    May 3rd 2018, 10:35 AM

    If you want to know more about sex apps, visit this site: http://bestsexapps.strikingly.com/

    1
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